Well there it is

Today as I see it has been very muddy yet revealing at the same time.  Each time I take a moment to wipe off some of the mud, sitting waiting underneath is a clear visual of the last 24 hours.  The visuals are not exactly what I wanted.  The visuals were however answers to many of my deep seated questions and most definitely some clarity to some of my experience over the last 7 months.

Regarding relationships, I have always been aware that I have been too much to take.  But to look someone in the eye and have them lie to me 2 times and then ask them the same question a third time and tell them to tell me the truth once and for all.  And they finally did.  It was just as it seemed.  It was just as I worried but knew.  And sadder then anything the person felt they needed to lie to me because the truth was kind of icky.  They wanted to be kind to me, not mean, but the real truth is that is who I am.  I AM too much to take.  I always have been.  The sad part is at 47 I still drive people away with my overbearing and needy self.  It hurts me to be me, but like any hard core addiction, it's what I know.  All I can say for that part of this is I am sorry and I know I am this way.

The next smearing off came again this morning when I realized (over and over and over) that there are very few places left to "fix" a person that has lived 47 years the same way.  There are fewer professionals who are willing to stick around long enough to see me through it.  For those who have I thank them dearly.  For those who haven't I don't blame them one bit.  Run away I say.  You can't fix something that is broken and the pieces you have simply don't fit at all together anymore. My pieces don't fit.

So to some it up, I will never forget that persons eyes looking at me when they told me that yes I was just too much and too needy.  Too much to keep up with.  "I am just too much" and I am being carted off to another place that will try and help me for a bit and find out that I am just broken and all my pieces have been rounded off like glass in the crashing waves of the ocean.

regret/guilt

Even if this sounds depressing, it shouldn't be.  It should be a lesson to those who still have time in their young lives to work on themselves.  Get help no matter how hard it maybe to get there or find it get help, because once you are my age, the opportunities start shutting down, the doors start to close and you find yourself alone, living in a pile of regret and shame. That is a very sad place to live.

Shame

Sadness is painful

       Sadness is painful. People turning their backs on a sad person is indescribable. When caregivers tell you that you don't belong "here" anymore. It's numbing. When you don't judge others for their decisions or lives but you seem to judge yourself up and down all day long it is heart breaking. God made me for some reason, I believe this with all my heart. but for 7 months I have struggled to understand. I may never know and I have come to accept that. By now, I just sit and wait, for what I don't know. I do the best I can as a mom and then night comes and then it's morning and then night and morning. Shame rises with the sun and is waiting with the moon. One thing God has prepared me for is being alone and alone I spend most of my time. And for that preparation, I am truly thankful. Because being alone and tremendously sad is a very hard feat indeed. Just felt I needed to share. Sometimes it's just how it is for some people. Some are bubbly and happy and move on and others just never get back up. No judgement just reality.

Doing Right for my Kids. That's my goal.

It is time has come time for me to raise the white flag. I surrender to the powers that be.  Whatever this is that I suffer from will not take a pause.  It morphs into shapes unrecognizable.  I have been described and diagnosed as one with "Distorted thinking" and anyone who knows me is unanimously saying "Well du! We've know that forever". I have also been told my "Depression is gone"  I have been told.  I have "chronic reassurance seeking" from my childhood, which makes me impossible to live with/be with.  I have anxiety that it off the charts and will probably stay there for some time, what's new. So as far as I can figure out I am back to the same place as I started as far as diagnosis goes, but feel worse than I ever had.  Time to move forward and forget about healing.  Just existing.

Existing keeps me with my family.  I am able to watch my children grown and enjoy happiness.  I can be there to help them when they are sad or upset.  I can watch them grow.  Be with my husband now and again.  

That is where I am at.  I am going to learn just to be the new me. I know that I have a few friends. I will speak with them now and again.

Thursday my DBT therapist came to me at the end and told me that she didn't think this was a fit for me.  It wasn't a surprise.  So I looked at her with tears running down my face just like when a friend dumped me again for the second time in 3 months, I stood there.  All I thought is where will I go then? What do I do with all this that I have here waiting to learn or in the friend case, waiting to share.  She said I can go to a different DBT group that is longer and more intense and I thought, "you know, I'm done.  I am done with being turned away at the caregivers places.  Being told I can't be helped here or there, I'm done with programs. Just me keeping my head above water, holding up the peace sign, the white flag, remembering people don't want to hear me, hanging on for my kids, doing right for them. No more no less.  That is my goal.

K~

It is time for me to do some serious writing so the blog I return.  I know nobody really comes and visits here. Which frankly, defeats the purpose of my devotion to activism.  But I chose this format, due to the complaints I received on Facebook. Many of my entries were too long.  People didn't like that and even though I invited them to kindly not read them they wished to complain anyway.

To recap my year so I get some grounding:

Rick and I started marriage counseling in January 2014.  We did this because we were constantly bickering and having small fights in front of the kids and it was just getting too much.  So we saw her off and on for weeks.  She wanted to know about our family's.  And that was a huge trigger to me. Then she said to me that when I get mad I get Mean to Rick.  From those 2 experiences, her saying I get mean and talking about my family, it was as if a whole Pandora's box opened up and filth and ooze just bubbled up.  These things were sealed away for a good 30 years, or more even,  So that brings me to the present day September  12th, 2014,

I have shared some of my posts on this blog already, but from time to time I will just download chunk of what I put on Facebook for anyone who wants to see them.

Today, as we speak.... It is Thursday.  I am writing in a venue that I know is not looked at but by a very few and I thank you.  This is where I will continue my convoluted journey of craziness.  There are only a few things I know for sure no matter how some people try and candy coat it....

I am easy to leave behind: what do I mean? For what ever reason the person chooses to share with me or out loud or not,  Saying good bye forever is very easy to say to me.  So here's a tip, if you have ever wanted to, go right ahead. I have been friends with people in the closest of ways and when they didn't want me as a friend, when I didn't float their boat, adios.  Professionals dump me because "i don't fit the program" ie I am an unbearable pain in the ass, and I am upsetting the other patients. So bye bye.,  I am only a good time friend.  Many of friends have lost interest in me because "i'm no fun anymore." So I don't see or hear from them anymore.

Thank you so much for those who have stayed and kept my head above water.  I know you are there and I am so so grateful.  For what ever reason you stay I don't understand.  Because if it wasn't for my 3 kids I wouldn't even hang around me.

I am not depressed anymore so apparently I should be happy about that.  Yeah! 3 cheers.

So there, That is my first post back into the world of pretending I am share with others.  Kind of the way I like it.  And better yet. I have been so long that no one will find me now.