a life worth living

For those of you following my journey through this horrible thing called depression, I suppose I could update a bit about how my progress is going.  You know each persons journey is so different. Each person has a set of triggers that can move them emotionally one way or another.

My journey has been a very long one and it appears there is no end in sight at least for now.  But one good thing that has developed, is that I can count now, on one hand the few things I wish I could heal.  Or make amends or something.  But others hold those cards.  Those few things I need to set aside as yet again, in some way, things I have touched and destroyed.  That pain of holding onto my pain of being so awful to others and never ever intending it is something that follows me.

I have a personality that should be bottled and opened only ever so often and some put in a tiny little glass on rare moments, perhaps for some good entertainment. 

I know I mentioned before that last year was perhaps worse than my high school years, which by the way I never ever thought I would have to live that nightmare ever again.  But through therapy I am learning to be safe with myself. I am learning to do many things. 

This week I am working on "A Life Worth Living". Because right now I just don't see it.  Thanks to medication and a lot of support from Rick, my suicidal tendencies are far far apart and happen less and less.  Mostly I wish to disappear.  I long to fade away and/or finally go to that cabin in the woods with of course all my animals and art stuff.  I want to sit on the porch in a rocker, throwing out seeds to all the little critters that scurry about.  I'd be able to communicate only by computer, but not all the time.  I'd order what I might need for a long enclosed winter or for a project I would be working on.  The supply truck would come out to me like every month or two to bring me stuff and take stuff out like packages.  But there I would sit with my 2 Very large dogs and my zoo. Hours, Days and Weeks would go by.  It wouldn't matter.  This would be my life. Finally after all these years of feeling alone, I would be alone by choice.  I would be where I belong. I would have what I need and That's just enough. I would have my loving children and husband to communicate with and see every so often when they visited. And Rick, he would finish work.  If he chooses to follow me up here that would be awesome.  If he chooses a new life in the big city, the world is his to choose from.  He desires His Life too.  So for my homework, that is it. I think right now before I start to brainstorm and dig in, what I described is a lift worth living to me.  Kind of safe and out of the way, but no one gets hurt by me. No one needs to worry about getting together,  I am safe. K~

oh.. and of course there will be bison!!

Some times it doesn't add up.

      The directions don't seem to match the pieces.  We are missing an important piece to the puzzle.  Oh wow, that color looks nothing like it did in the store.  That is much like my confusion is like.

I spend a lot of time in confusion these days. I pray most of it is my medication, but we will not know this until I go off of some of them, and at this point they are adding and not subtracting.

One of my restrictions I put on myself is highway/freeway driving.  I get too confused when I drive on long stretches of roads.  It isn't smart. On our trip back from Arizona I drove the freeway for an hour or so.  It was a ride I must say.  Rick wanted to rest, and I don't think anyone rested at all.  Rick just took over the driving after that.  It would be one thing if I was reading a book, cross stitching, or drawing at the same time.  Nope just me and my brain thinking maybe this lane... no that lane.

Another restriction I have for myself is actually going anywhere.  At this point I am done with most of my obligations with people.  All I have left is Dr. appointments for me or children, the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center, and June Clever chores (shopping and homemaking)

I have been skillful with my DBT class and my DBT therapist.   I have been able to get through some deeply seated emotional times with skills and coaching calls.  It is actually stunning to me  how long it has been since I have been under this awful cruse. Mid - February it will have been a year. Honestly, I know what started it but exactly when and how it happened I don't know.  It has been a long road and I am somewhere between staying alive and moving a few steps forward and staying safe day to day.  I like the progress I have made albeit so very very slow.  Sometimes I hear my old humor coming through. especially when I feel comfortable, like at WRC. The animals make me so so happy.  I just love all their little antics. Our crew is great too.

So my next step is to get away for a long while unplugged. I am looking for a destination for a 1 to 2 month sabbatical.  It's odd for a stay at home mom to consider taking a sabbatical, but I am.  And so we are back to the sometimes it doesn't add up. More on the sabbatical search to come.  But the research has begun.  k~

How quickly the tides turn - Rick wanted me to put that this is my interpretation of what he said, not actually what he said

I was having a very productive day.  I found DBT challenging.  We are in the Emotion Mind section and this section is just not a place I want to hang out in.  But for the most part I think I understood the lecture and the homework assignment and I felt like " Ya, I can do this."

After class I proceeded to the pet store and picked up crickets for my beardies and crickets for my long tailed and anole.  OK seriously, I couldn't even see the pin head crickets.  It was like I was dumping a bag of air in the small lizard habitat.

Off to Walgreen's to pick up more medications.  That actually went without a hitch.  I lingered in the office supply aisle fantasizing about what I could buy and how I could use it.  Where I would put it and so on.  Then my name is called and it was time to go home.

No time for down time, it was off to another meeting. I was waiting for Rick because I can't drive the freeway and he was going too, with in minutes of Rick getting home my mood had plummeted. It was at an 8 and then and still now I am at around a 2. (Using a scale of 1-10, 1 being worst to 10 being the best ever!)

Why did it plunder? Well in the course of 20 minutes I noticed that Rick was not feeling well and that bothered me because he works so hard and is very behind at work because of me.  When I asked him about something that I thought was positive he saw as a blow off, the next time I looked at it I think he was right, now I am teary eyed.   He is only home this early and missing vital time from work because it is dangerous for me to drive with certain medication, otherwise he would have gotten in about and extra 45 minutes that he needs badly. On the way to our appointment he told me I need to get a job at least by spring. He told me I was well enough to stop being so dependent on him. That is why he is pulling away from me so much.

So there I sat not necessarily disagreeing with him.  Me and my 21 meds, my serious confusion, me not seeing much of an improvement, me in my chosen loneliness, told by my husband that the time for my depression is over.  It is time for me to move forward. It is time to forget about the depression.

It is so sad.  I thought I could get better from this. But apparently I wont. I will just know that what so many have told me over this year, move on, get over it, your depressed because you don't try and get better. Only you can make yourself better. Well that one isn't true.  Apparently, someone can just tell you, well that's it, times up, Guess you're better. k~

**Again: This is only my interpretations of what Rick said.  According to Rick he never said anything of the kind.

hypocritically speaking

I hate to admit it and I don't think most people would enjoy saying it either but here goes, I'm a hypocritical person.  The almost year I have spent in deep depression has made me realize that I have spent not just this year in a tug of war with my reality and perceived reality, my past and my present, but also I have been asked for advise along the way.

For some reason people ask me what they should do in this situation and in that situation. People have also expressed to me that they think I am strong and how does a person get that way.  People say I am tough and I have always stuck up for the underdog and that's admirable.

But this is where my hypocrisy comes shining through.  First I would like to lay some ground rules so I don't come out looking like I feel ( that's progress on healing, hu?) Since high school people for the major most part came to me and asked me questions on what to do about this relationship issue, what about THAT boy, family problems, etc. etc.  Funny thing, I never had a boyfriend in high school or ever until college, I suffered all through high school and I told know one from my mouth what was happening, Frankly I had no experience except what I wish someone would notice and talked to me.

ALL I HAD WAS THE EXPERIENCE I HAD TO DRAW FROM: SEE ME, NO LOOK AT ME, SEE MY PAIN, MY LONELINESS, MY LONGING TO GO WITH YOU OUT FOR A MOVIE AND PIZZA, THE PROM JUST ONCE. JUST SEE ME.  

that is what I wish someone would do for me, so I did it right back to anyone who approached me with something or I knew had approached me.  I was their for them.  I got them to the point of laughing and let them know that I am always there for them for what that was worth.  I always gave both sides of the issue the benefit of the doubt.  I tried to be fair. I tried to look at anger as need and crying as relief and sometimes a thank you.

Why am I hypocritically speaking?  Well last year, there was a couple times may be 3 or 4 times I opened myself up and showed my deep vulnerability to people.  I shared things I had never shared.  I explained to each of them on separate unrelated occasions what my biggest fears were and what would break my heart the most, what I fear I may never recover from and low and behold a few of them did just what I told them would hurt me the most.  It was confusing to be encouraged to share like your in a safe haven and then find out the walls were fake and none of the caring part was real.

So you may wonder about the title.  With all of my medication and my confusion and my conditions I am getting better very slowly.  Most of what I say feels hypocritical.  I know what I say works.  I have seen results from people I have met along the year journey.  Some have helped me.  But I still have a few people asking me questions about things and now if any advise is given from me it is most definitely hypocritical just like high school.  Because like back in high school I don't have any of those happy things and advise to really hand out.  I just know in my head they work.  k~

Tuesday, Wednesday Ah ah ... or is it Thursday...

Man! I have only a few LARGE hurdles I deal with on a daily basis with all this brain stuff going on.
And I have to admit, CONFUSION is taking the lead. Since early last year, I have had a very hard time with memory (close second) but confusion is by far taken the lead.

Age is most assuredly NOT helping.  But I must admit that days of the week all become one.  Day and night are recognized thank you Lord for light and dark, and I don't live in the Alaska or Antarctica.  I suppose by then I would not even care if it were day or night by now.

My Kids, ya... they are so used to answering to just about anything by now.  Saturday night when Cora's beloved was over, I'm calling for Laura about something.  My daughter answers.  I go out there after a few minutes shaking my head, looking at Dylan.  This is all the time here.  Cora just said yah.

So now I'm Karen, She's Laura, Sam is Bing, David seems to be either David or a frustrated YOU and Rick is still Rick for the most part.  Confusion.

I am glad FB tells us how old we are otherwise that would be anyone's guess.  Except early in my 40's I did gain a year, I thought I one whole year older for one year.  So around my birthday I found was turning that age and I was SO EXCITED i got to be that age for one more year.  I was truly happy :)

I think I mentioned this yesterday but I asked Rick last Thursday what day it was so many times that when he asked that evening what day it was, I just looked at him with a sideways tilt of the head and said "really".

So today I am trying to come up with a system that will help me navigate my day.  Something that will help me get to point B from point A. oh and. then once at B, I can get back to A again. Writing has helped tremendously. Getting thing out of my head has helped me free up a bit of space. But writing is overwhelming. All of those words I want to use that I can't remember where to put them. I need to do my deep breathing while writing.  That feels good.  So in my confused state, I think it may be just the reader who suffers.  Here's hoping that you all don't suffer through, and if you do, thanks so much!  k~

Getting Real Here

I think with this blog I am trying to get real with myself and I am trying not to be so comparative. The following is my narrative to explain how one, me in this case, can look at their own illness as less important than another person's.  I know that there are worse illnesses/conditions out there.  That is why there is triage in hospitals, intake for mental health groups, etc.  These assessments should let people know and understand that their condition is real, and they will be cared for with respect.  This is everyone's wish I believe.  To be seen, heard, and understood.

Through my life I have been blessed to travel in 3rd world countries.  Here we learned a different way of life all together.  One thing I learned was to never finish your food or drink.  Only eat or drink about 1/2 and give the rest to the many children that have gathered around you. Always travel with pencils and pens, crayons ( maybe not 6 degrees from the equator :) ) bouncy balls, small light wind-up toys.  These are to give away for trade or to the children that come around.  Even shoe laces, razors, etc. are great.

In Liberia in 1987 I went to a fully self-sufficient  Leprosy colony.  They farmed, fished, crafted, health cared, and cared for each person that lived there.  It was one of the most up living places I have been to in all my travels.  I hope it is still there and most are as well as they can be with Ebola going around. These people compared to us have little to nothing and are some of the happiest people I have ever met. To them this is their life. Although I was shocked and sad, I never felt the need to show it or reach out to them in that way.  I loved their crafts and bought many.  I visited with the residents of the village for quite some time and enjoyed myself immensely.  After 27 years I think about that place with a happy lilt in my heart.  It is all perspective. They most definitely needed help. That was real. But they knew they could wait. Help may come.

In the developing country of Belize an old lady came into the KFC.  She looked sun worn and disheveled.  I felt so bad for her situation.  The management kicked her out, but I would have been more than happy to give her part of my meal.

Here in a 1st world country, on the corner of Randolph and the off-ramp of 35E there are plenty of homeless vets, people, travelers etc. daily.  I don't have cash on me every day.  I wish I did.  

I often hear my son who is 12, complain about ALL THE HOMEWORK he has.  Where as my daughter has an AP lit class and other classes and is up all hours.  In our home we have taught perspective.  To him he is overwhelmed because he is 12 and has a 12 year old mentality so his nervousness is REAL to him.  She is a senior and has senior concerns, i.e: no fighting about who has it harder.

Back to Getting Real.  So when I see people talk about health, illnesses, conditions, experiences, etc. and they try to categorize them and put whose got it worse, it fries my cakes.  But here's the funny part of that.  I will judge my own illness day and night.  Even when I have been suicidal, I have tried to blow it off as it will pass, or there should be no reason I should feel this way.  After all, look at that person and what they have been through, or that person's pain, or him, or her and on and on.  It's not just the "other people" who don't see my/your life as a real purposeful life.  It could be you, yourself. But why am I doing it too?  I am taking a more respectful stance in my mental health care and 4 days into the new year I already have a few, albeit baby steps, plans.   k~

Day 2, 2015

No most certainly am I going to be writing and posting every day, at least I don't think so.  It is interesting how long my day was today.  It was the first "on purpose" day. I stayed home, I cleaned, I animal cared, and I attempted to painted and draw.  Soon it will be time for bed and I am proud I have successfully made it 2 days into 2015.  For me this is a HUGE step forward.  As I put in my FB post :

Happy New Year! 2015 hmmm what will you bring? For me...Surprises for sure. Spectacular adventure. Growing closer to newly rekindled old friendships for sure. Healing and embracing my natural gifts that God has given me. Stop reaching out to people but respect myself in 2015 through my art and writing and my care giving of my family, homestead, and zoo. Leaving others to their beautiful full lives. I will leave a door open for others to come in, those I have left a wake of pain, disappointment, and anger thru my continued journey with depression. So if they need to heal by reaching me I am here, otherwise in 2015 sharing on the subject will be minimal. Lastly I lost many close and dear contacts on and off FB, some very close. 2015 I pray very hard will be a time of learning what joy actually is a learning that me all by myself is enough to make me live a full and rich life. Have a blessed, rich, happy, joyous, full, filled with silly laughter 2015. Kirsten

I never did finish the post last night, I grew to tired and I started talking to Cora on her adventure to Duluth and Rick got home from Green Mill. So it is Saturday morning and I am cleaning up the computer and having coffee and donuts with Rick.  I wanted to finish this too and he likes to Facebook so how new?  But our mornings together are so important.  We also have a special program we watch together that is fun too.  It's hard to find time to be together but we have made some and that is nice.  

So far as of the morning of Day 3 things seem to be just about to the good level and I will take that any day.  As long as I stay in working ALL DAY LONG and never take time to think, I might be able to keep my depression at bay. That sounds doable, right? k~