Gull Lake wrap up / what I learned

Our annual trip to Gull Lake has come to an end.  We had a very nice time.  The kids just love playing with their cousins.  It really was lovely.

Usually I don't have "goal" on a vacation.  But one thing I needed was to calmly open my mind to healing possibilities. I knew I had a huge hurdle to jump before any of that could happen and I put on my big girl pants and did it. I needed to make a phone call to the one person I felt could help me out through some of my healing.  I was extremely unskillful and for that, I am sorry.  I talked over that person quite a bit.  But when I asked, no pleaded for them to help me, they said no.  They, one of the people that could help, a lot, said to me no I will not help you.  It felt painful, heart wrenching, confusing and many other feelings. One thing that happened was that with in 24 hours after having a much needed conversation and then another with one more person, pieces started to fall into place.  Lies started to appear.  And to shorten an extremely long and devastating piece of my mental health decline, I actually caught someone in a pivotal lie.  One that involved my life, my well being, my getting better, my moving forward into wellness. I heard the lies that had created the anchor attached to my ankle. The one that tied me to the bottom of the pit.

Yesterday was the first day I have felt just a slight lilt in my step. I had a smile on my face now and again, I laughed once or twice.  I was present.  I am the Huge part of my own problems. There is so much stuff to dig through that it will be a while before I feel safe to be me out in the open. But when I was on the phone and showed my most vulnerable side to this someone and said I really truly needed their help, they said no I won't help you. It was stunning, overwhelming and saddening.

I am not the only one that created my cage or bricks and slim in my well.  Others happily placed them at their on convenience and for their own pleasure.  It was fun for them to see me crumble. I wonder how much fun it will be for them to see me rise out of the pit I have so long been trapped in.  It will happen.  Now that I know they blame me for it all in their sick way. They can "save the country" but not a person.  They can lie and manipulate someone who was so excited for a true friendship and got sicker and no friendship because I was too much and considered a stalker.  This week I will not be surprised if a no contact order comes to Rick and I.  Ironically I  don't think I will be stalking this person anytime soon.

So a long ramble about what I came up with on my vacation, I am really proud of myself for taking that leap of reaching out for help where I felt help was.  I am really proud of making another phone call for checking the facts, even though I fear the facts were scripted and not so factual.  It was what the person told me.

I finished my painting and I finished a small watercolor.  I got some great marbles.  I also got some other wonderful shopping in.  It was super nice time with Rick.  Just a nice time. I'd say in my condition it was a great time.  I loved being with my kids and see them actually get along for most of the time.  Bing was a barking dog at a cabin.  Rick and I did some snuggling and he and I did some sorta fishing.  It was nice.

Gull Lake

Well it's that time of year again.  The time of year that we migrate to the Northern part of Minnesota for "relaxation and fun"  We have been going up every year since Sam was 3 years old.  Sam is now 13.

Mostly for me, it is a week of judgments on my parenting, ie: what I feed my kids, I'm not watching them enough, do they have enough sunscreen on, this and that and on and on.  Of course, I have both male and female parts and created them on my own. That means, according to the Walsh family, I am the only parent, and therefore the only one responsible for caring for my children while up at the lake.

It will be interesting this year to see how I get ridiculed about my childrens care: my children of 18, 16 and 13.

For many years I cared for my beloved mother in law.  She was such a dear and as the years went on things got harder so I stuck around to chat with her.  I took them in our cabin, because none of the others wanted to deal with what came with geriatric needs.  My father in law yelled and barked orders at me for the entire week and the orders and yelling grew nastier every year.  I never yelled back, however, first, because he wouldn't listen to a woman, but second i really never wanted to.  I wanted his time at Gull Lake to be a really good one.  I wanted it to be a special time, every time.

This year I have the added drive up to the resort for 4 hours.  I need to drive the truck.  The boys are going to be taking the NOVA for the first time!  It is a very exciting time for them.  They have been waiting for this for a long long time.  That means I am left to drive the white loaded down truck on my own!!! I will be alone, because my medication is not good for driving, so I don't want anyone in the truck with me.  Saturday at 6 AM I am heading out in anticipation of many stops.   All the in laws will be chomping at the bit for the motor that goes on the boat.  And I will have it. So hurry hurry. With all my stops to clear my head so not to swerve into another lane, I think it will take about 6 hours instead of the 4 hours it should.

Lastly,  a person, that last year really devastated me, and he and his wife have continued to make my healing extremely difficult, belongs to the National Guard.   And Yeah... Gull Lake resort is right next to camp ripely.  They fire those damn cannons day and night. They are suppose to be done by midnight (nice) but actually  they fire them until about 12:15 AM or later. With total disregard for those that surround them.  Rude!!! So every time the cannons go off I get to remember these 2 people that treat me like trash and consider me nothing more than an old piece of gum that they scraped off their show a year ago, I am still hurting tremendously.

Why not stay home?  Well I don't want to disappoint my family. I am a HUGE disappointment anyway, and I don't want to be even a bigger one. My kids want me there.  Rick could care less and never spends a moment with me, but my kids want me to go, besides who is going to drive the truck. I need to be up there.  Judgments, horrible reminders and all.  k~

Radical Acceptance

One of the most challenging steps to live a dialectic behavioral life is to give in and believe yourself a wreck and know that you need to rework most of yourself.  I find myself very tired all the time.  It's hard work to work on oneself for over a year and a half.  

There is a song that I listen too.  The words are amazing and quite uplifting.  I think it's time for me to work on my brain pain. As I care for each pain with Fibromyalgia and really ignore the diagnosis.  The diagnosis of Fibromyalgia makes me ashamed. It is extremely real to me.  I live it every day but to most others it isn't very real. It is mostly unexplained traveling pain. It hurts however, quite bad I might add. Others, quite a few, don't believe in it.  Many have questioned its validity to my face. So I usually just mumble it or leave the diagnosis out when speaking to intake nurses or doctors.  This is how I am beginning to react to BPD.  I get each symptom taken care of.  There is no pill for BPD.  There are pills for voices, visions, ruminations, perseverations, depression, anxiety, pain, etc. but none for BPD.   I am ashamed of the diagnosis.  I didn't know, at the beginning that I was supposed to be ashamed BPD.  Here on this very venue I am typing away, telling everyone that I have this illness, and the longer I go on the more I find out, people don't want to know about "it". I didn't know that people thought it was either not real or the diagnosis was disgusting.

Someone very wise told me it's just a name or title, it's not all of you.  True.  

Rick said "I've never seen a more accurate description of you in writing... ever, barring a few symptoms.  You've been this way as long as I've known you."  Super great, but accurate and true.

Any way you slice it, I have them both and they aren't going away.

So back to the song, Cora's boyfriend Dylan shared this song with me.  I have been a Tim Minchin fan, but had not heard this one.  Once I did, I feel I had heard EXACTLY what I had been feeling and trying to express all along. I hope you get the heartfelt meaning behind this. It is truly amazing. And you know I don't know his biography, but it comes from someone who's been there, I guarantee it.  Words like this can't be strung together with shallow intent. k~

It's not perfect but it's mine by Tim Minchin

This is my Earth

And I live in it

It's one third dirt and two thirds water

And it rotates and revolves through space

At rather an impressive pace

And never even messes up my hair

And here's the really weird thing

The force created by it's spin

Is the force that stops the chaos flooding in

This is my Earth

And it's fine

It's where I spend the vast majority of my time

It's not perfect, but it's mine

It's not perfect

This is my country

And I live in it

It's pretty big and nice to walk on

And the bloke who runs my country

Has built a demagoguery

And taught us to be fearful and boring

And the weirdest thing is that he is

Conservative of politics

But really rather radical of eyebrows

This is my country

And it's fine

It's where I spend a vast majority of my time

It's not perfect, but it's mine

It's not perfect

This is my house

And I live in it

It's made of cracks and photographs

We rent it off a guy who bought it from a guy

Who bought it from a guy

Whose granddad left it to him

And the weirdest thing is that this house

Has locks to keep the baddies out

But they're mostly used to lock ourselves in

This is my house

And it's fine

It's where I spend a vast majority of my time

It's not perfect, but it's mine

It's not perfect, but it's mine

This is my body

And I live in it

It's thirty-one and six months old

It's changed a lot since it was new

It's done stuff it wasn't built to do

I often try to fill it up with wine

And the weirdest thing about it is

I spend so much time hating it

But it never says a bad word about me

This is my body

And it's fine

It's where I spend a vast majority of my time

It's not perfect, but it's mine

It's not perfect

This is my brain

And I live in it

It's made of love and bad song lyrics

It's tucked away behind my eyes

Where all my screwed up thoughts can hide

Cause God forbid I hurt somebody

And the weird thing about a mind

Is that every answer that I find

Is the basis of a brand new cliché

This is my brain

And it's fine

It's where I spend a vast majority of my time

It's not perfect, but it's mine

It's not perfect, but it's mine

It's not perfect

I'm not quite sure I've worked out how to work it

It's not perfect, but it's mine

But it's mine