Sleeping has been so hard for me. Well before summer started. Now it is October, and I am still not sleeping. I am tense and a bit of a mess.
I need to take baby steps and learn that everyone, including me, deserves to feel useful and heard. Maybe someday, I will find a place where that is the case.
Being 43 and having no direction is not a fun place to be. I just seem to long to be valued. I am smart sometimes. I have something to offer. I know I do. Don't I??
Maybe I don't. Maybe I am just stupid. Maybe it is safer for me to stay home. Bad things happen when I go "outside" of my house. I don't feel comfortable anymore. Frankly, I have felt this way for years now. After so much time trying to fill the void, I think I need to just except the fact that I have nothing directly to give to others. I am just dopy old me. plodding along. what a doof. I think after 30+ years of "mis-steps" I should at the very least be able to embrace that fact.
I wish that I felt like a high schooler looking for attention and saying things to get it. But alas, I actually know it is who I am and it makes me sad and frustrated.