Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Not Sleeping

It has been only 4 days since I resigned from Site Council. I am sad that the principal never contacted me after I sent the email resignation. She just put out an email to the council, not sending it to me, and moved on. I guess, it was a cowardly way out, but after all, it was a volunteer position. I was a voting member of Site Council for about 4 years (a long time) I have been going for over 9 years. I guess when you make a decision to quit. You need to be ready for it to be ALL over. But I guess I feel ashamed about it. I have to remind myself that crying after meetings, one of which I volunteer my time, is not healthy for me. It is not a place someone should spend their time. I see people move on from things, and they well, move on, or so it seems. Me?? I am not a mover oner. I think I am sometimes, I want to think I am, but I'm not.

Sleeping has been so hard for me. Well before summer started. Now it is October, and I am still not sleeping. I am tense and a bit of a mess.

I need to take baby steps and learn that everyone, including me, deserves to feel useful and heard. Maybe someday, I will find a place where that is the case.

Being 43 and having no direction is not a fun place to be. I just seem to long to be valued. I am smart sometimes. I have something to offer. I know I do. Don't I??

Maybe I don't. Maybe I am just stupid. Maybe it is safer for me to stay home. Bad things happen when I go "outside" of my house. I don't feel comfortable anymore. Frankly, I have felt this way for years now. After so much time trying to fill the void, I think I need to just except the fact that I have nothing directly to give to others. I am just dopy old me. plodding along. what a doof. I think after 30+ years of "mis-steps" I should at the very least be able to embrace that fact.

I wish that I felt like a high schooler looking for attention and saying things to get it. But alas, I actually know it is who I am and it makes me sad and frustrated.
Just sayin' K~


satinder rana said...

C'mon. Such a negative post from you? If you have done the things that you have mentioned in the post then I see know reason why you should feel like this. I am 23 and I cannot imagine volunteering myself for a cause though I know that it would be better for the society if I did.

Cheer up and find the same spirit to give something back to the society. In one way or the other, maybe this blog.

K~ said...

Thanks again. I am a chronic volunteerer. Have been a volunteer of some kind or another since age 5. I will try and have a better day. So far so good. My dog went potty outside(which is a refreshing change) and he is now going nuts barking at a dog outside. This will wake up my kids for me. Happier posts to come. K~

bobbione8y said...

kirst, my heart hurts that you are feeling so down. but deep inside you, that is the answer to your longing. i actually believe that getting on your knees, telling God what you told us, and asking him to show you your value and worth, is the only answer. no job, no family, no zoo, no nothing will ever provide that for you, except for Him. you have value in His eyes, ask Him to help you see it and feel it and know it and live from the center of it.

i love you :)

K~ said...

Bob, thanks so much. I have done just as you stated. I spent a good time praying last night. I will find my worth and rejoice in it, some day. I know it. I just hate letting people down and others hating me before they even know me, and even after :-( I don't do good with that. God will help. He already has. I am feeling better with only 2 hours sleep last night. I am meeting a friend this morning to "teach" her AGAIN how to crochet a hat. Kind of guess I just do it and have a hard time explaining it. Thanks for the comment. Please pray for deeper healing. K~

Karen said...

I don't know why it's been so long since I visited you. My heart hurts for your hurting heart. You know I agree with Bobbi. I will be praying.