Friday, March 15, 2013

Downton Abbey

Waiting for season 4.  Really good show! K~

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

New years resolution

So one of my new years resolutions was to be late to everything.  That way no matter what, I would be successful at at least one new years goal :) 

The second (real ) new years resolution was to "squeegeeing" through my house over the entire year.  Cleaning it through and through.  Making each nook and cranny clean and purposeful.  If you know me I am organized by nature. I do have organization in my chaos.  But you wouldn't know it to see my house.  

It is March now, and I am still in the "Good" room, I call it.  We have a small house, so I really can't call it a Great room.  That would be exaggerating.  I have made progress.  But the biggest challenge hasn't been done, walking space. 

I have given myself until the end of March to finish the "Good" room.  Then it's onto the Dining and Living room, after which will come the bathroom, Cora's room and the boys room.  Then upstairs and down stairs.  

Hopefully, I will not need to start over.


Tuesday, March 05, 2013

I'm a bit better but somewhat the same

Well it is Tuesday night and I am working on several things at once as usual.  I am making an amigurumi character, zentangling in my art book.  working in my journal, and looking at my cross-stitch I am absolutely want to finish so I can start my neon piece!!

Alas,  there is life too.  Cleaning and feeding of my zoo and farm.  Cleaning and feeding my children :).  Cleaning and organizing my home. Repeat!

There is a beautiful March snow outside. I am happily almost caught up on my shows, where I can watch them in real time.  That, will be enjoyable.

Mostly, I am rising a bit out of my funk.  I hope that it continues.  It is hard.  I need to feel useful, but a lot of times I know that feeling is an empty feeling.  Most of the time, it only matters what others get from what I can give not so much what I get from it.  It is not what I get from my service, it is not the reason I do it.  I do it because it needs to be done.  It should be done.  So I do it.  I am here, so I do it.  Yes I get gratification from doing good for others, I get a sense of peace from caring for those who need.  I get "fed" from those I feed or aid.  It is enough to teach and show others things that I know.  Eyes that are bright with joy and excitement fill me up to overflowing.  Sometimes I get sad thinking that money is needed to live.  That the amount of money determines their usefulness in society.

Then I go back to the way I felt on Saturday.  When your life is over, people go through your things and move on.  and so on and so on. And the difference you made, you are never there to know it... really for real.

Saturday, March 02, 2013

between bootstraps and a shrug

This has been a really tough day.  Going though memories is hard.  Seeing how others react is even harder.  Knowing it is the end of the way things were is sad.  Knowing that my kids will be doing the same is even sadder.  Then I stop and wonder really and truly what all of it is really all about.

It has been a very long time since I have questioned if I want to pull myself up by my bootstraps or just shrug and say no I think this time I wont.  This time I'll just sit here.