Friday, October 31, 2014

ducks in a row

I know that my blog is a space for me to do my major ramblings.  I hope that someday I can work it out that it make a difference to someone.  I guess that is why I also post it on Facebook so people can read it there too. Today's ramble is on getting it together.  I am still on what appears to be a long road to somewhere.  I have in some way accepted that I will never be the woman I was before February 2014.  Too much has happened to me.  That moment in time that I can't even remember what changed me.  It is still changing me.  It is still moving inside me making me work so hard to live in the moment, heck, even acknowledge there is a moment and not just some blurred smashed up time.

Some "looking forward" news.  I met my DBT therapist.  She is nice.  She seemed to understand me at least.  She understood that I am the queen of the "cat walks"   I don't mean modeling.  I mean going off topic.  She was willing to be a therapist. I am hoping it stays that way.

My life right now is about living in the moment. It is all I can do.  If I for one moment let myself think of the past no matter how far or how close I tailspin down down down.  If I for one moment let myself think of a future I panic and worry. In the moment it is all I can do.

So my big question for myself today is "How to get my ducks in a row and how to keep them there for a while?"

 Hey you at the end where are you going? You're in line, 
but please face the right way, you make me nervous.

See!  When one is out of line... then another drifts.
  Soon, it will be all willy nilly, this is bad.

 That's more like it. Now stay please. Just stay for a moment.


Thursday, October 23, 2014

It's almost too late for some, it is....


"On The Turning Away"

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
"Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away"
It's a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it's shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we're all alone
In the dream of the proud
On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
And mesmerized as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night
No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

We need to start really looking, seeing, touching, caring for each other 

for at any moment it truly could be you.  

Even when you are going through your suffering when someone reaches for you you need to reach for them. 
Just a touch can make all the difference.
 I am sick of seeing the turning away.  
I see it in our youth.  
Like today in Junior highers,
 not appreciating a sweet story about an animal.
Literally rolling their eyes.
Like when I told i have a friend but no way to reach them,
and they never reach out to me
When a half of our government can overlook a gender
and really think it's ok that we females deserve to get less pay then men.
That soldiers who are ready to fight or have fought for our country do not have a job or a home to live in or pride in their service.  
We can not turn from our hungry.
Judging who is deserved of care, what creature it big enough to save, when do we let it die without care and with callous disregard.
It is not a judging contest of who is hurting more or needs more attention.  Some wear it on their sleeve, some never show it. You may never know where you kindness will lead. That is not for you to worry about. Kindness is to be given without a receipt for return. I don't expect my hours spent in the ER back when I spent them with a friend a few days ago. I wanted to be there for every moment she needed me. I wanted to be there for her for as long as she needed me. I never once considered turning away. K~

Tuesday, October 07, 2014

Just going to be sitting here or over there....

As I sit here on a Tuesday morning with a literal pile of paperwork to fill out for another intake for another group that I should try and involve myself so I can be a healthy, stop hating myself person, I realize that I have a ton of stuff to do.  As I look in my barely livable kitchen I here the water running from I don't even know how many filters for I don't know how many animals and I am almost blinded by the heat lamps and the UVB lamps that fill the corner Zoo with the appropriate lighting.  Time ticks by and I have to shower, fill out forms, get ready to go, find this, find that, take my, what is it up to now??? I am not sure the number of morning pills.

My rambling is obsessive.  My typing and writing is obsessive.  Hell, I'm obsessive.  I am a needy sucker.  I suck the living need from any thing that is alive around me.  I often smile where there was a lone hardy laugh.  I would be all alone in my house.  I hadn't spoken a word in say 4 hours except possibly "Bing" or " Medusa stop trying to bite me" or "I'm not answering that" but that's about it, if even.  I can do this for 8, 10, 14, sheesh 24 hours. The not talking thing.  Maybe even the not chatting or texting. Just thinking or doing.  I have gone over a week without leaving my stead.  Barely without leaving the house.  No need.  

But sometimes I get an urge to get out here.  Take a risk.  It may creep up on its own, It may be initiated by a past friend saying hello. Or it may be even more organic.  But soon I find myself in a relationship of some kind that is going on and on.  Moving this way and that.  Kind of fun in a way. But true to form they end.  Somehow they end.  Most of mine don't fizzle because we are old and busy and life just gets in the way.  That happens, no hard feelings.  Mine go out with a final rip and tear fest of me killing any hope of resurrecting a kind calm relationship afterwards.  It's practically a talent. Remember the beginning of the ramble or did I even write it down? anyway I was thinking it.  It was about me going to another place to stop being me when it comes to relationships. But by the time I master that, there will hardly be anyone left to try it out on.  So I think I am going to scratch the hours and hours of being told that everyone deserves this and that. I am just going to ramble and stay in my house and on my stead, as much as I can.  That is what I am going to do .  That is what I am going to work on mastering. I am not going to fake anything until I make it into something I am not. I am going to just ..... be.... sitting here.... or over there... that sounds right.  k~  

Friday, October 03, 2014

one of my earliest jobs

I  was about 7 years old and I was at the side of the road.  I was certainly looking for something but it isn't what you would think of, like a cool rock or something like that, I happened to be looking for a bit of a clearing.  Even at my age I knew that it's best to have a clearing to stand in then a lot of brush around your ankles.  Now I was ready.

All along one of my other sisters was on the other side of the road quickly doing the same thing.  My dad is busily looking over a snake that was spotted in the middle of the road.  At this point the van is parked in the road with it's flashers on and by the headlights and the setting sun my father is identifying the snake.  My sister and I are ready for our task.  As my dad puts the snake down he readies his camera and starts to shoot photo after photo.  Our job you may wonder?  Well that is to make enough commotion on each side of the road so the snake stays where it is. That makes it much easier to photograph.  There is also a strong possibility that he may need it as a specimen. He can then re-catch it and well, kill it.  Those go in the drivers foot well.  Mmmm, I can smell the hot rotting carcasses as I type.  This time it was a poisonous one. They usually were.  So after the photographic session, he would pick the snack up and whip it onto the pavement over and over again until the snakes body would be crushed inside.  We were not expected to cry, it was part of daddies work. That was one of my earliest "jobs."

It just came with the territory of being a Herpetologists daughter.  I don't wont to paint every experience as a tragedy.  Man, I saw a lot and experienced more than so many have, but with the good came the bad.  Remember showering in the rain.  Fun.  Many times the snakes we would run into was a Fer De Lance.  Basically a very poisonous snake that kind of acts like a rattle snake with out a warning rattle.
Fer De Lance

Often times on our journeys the specimens in the foot well of the van turned out not to be dead.  That is an entire different story, but it did cause a slight panic when the specimen was missing and it happened to be one of these or one of the other countless poisonous snakes.  k~ 

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

This sums up the past and now the present. It was nice to find this poignant piece again.

I am a Rock

A winter's day

In a deep and dark
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
I am a rock, 
I am an island.

I've built walls, 

A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I'e heard the words before,
It's sleeping in my memory.
I wont' disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me,
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no on and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain,

And an island never cries.

Songwriters: SIMON, PAULI Am A Rock lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group