Saturday, November 29, 2014


21 is significant to me.  That is the number of pills I take in a 24 hour period.  7 are supplements, 3 "prescribed" and 4 to go with one or the other. A particular new one has now made it impossible to drive. I may get over that but it will be a good 3 or more weeks.  Not bad.  I've got a lizard to find.

So I have been reminded of the old commercial "Is it real or is it Memorx".   I am on so many medications.  Some are only for allergies.  Some are only for supplements.  But there are a good number of them that are for my head. The more that are added and the higher the dose goes it makes me seriously wonder how much of me is really left inside.

But then, I think about how sad I get and the worries that mount and I know that I am much worse off without them. Because I feel that way on the meds.

Working to stay alive is a very hard place to start at the age of 47.  I suppose learning to live will be the next step.  But so far, I have worked on eating at least one thing that is not sugar.  I didn't do so hot today, I have done better on other days. Other dangerous thinking have lowered which is nice. That has been helped by the new medication and increase in the dosage of another AND a lot of good thoughts and prayer.  Thank you all by the way.

I can't begin to explain how embarrassing all of this is for me.  I am asked often, especially by Rick, why do I feel I need to "put it out there".  And I always reply that I have been putting mental health issues "out there" for years.  Mostly about my anxiety and my kids ADD, ADHD, Depression,  Separation Anxiety, and High Anxiety like I have too. Through all of this in which I live daily with my family all of a sudden (well 10 months ago) I slip into the darkest deep depression I have ever felt.  I have never had depression 1/4 this bad.  So I chose to write about my journey.  So there is my answer.  If I ever get well enough, I will write about life with a mini me, 2 ADHD's and ADD. It makes for a very loud and active home. k~

Sunday, November 23, 2014

crazy yes, annoying yes. but i'm still here

Tomorrow I am home bound. That's not a bad thing really.  I will pretend I am going to do a few things but it will be me pissing away my day starting one thing and forgetting I was doing it and then starting another thing and so on. until it starts to get dark out and then it's late. Then it's close to bed time I think.  But it's 6 pm and I get a bit overwhelmed because I want it to be like 9:30.

My new medication is really something else.  It hits me and keeps me confused and tired all day and night.  I keep my blog on here where it belongs and if people come here that I invited, then cool, it's just out there.

The medication is so important because it is helping me stay alive. That is what I am told.  The hospital has been brought up more than once to me recently.  That scares me a lot.  I feel a tremendous amount of loneliness now.  My biggest fear of being put in the hospital is that you're all alone. wow.  I feel so alone now. I can't imagine the doors shutting behind me there.  I have been inside as a visitor and it is lonely. So I take my medication. I am up to 15 pills in the morning. 6 pills are recommended vitamins. 9 pills are prescriptions.  And 4 prescriptions at night. 19 a day, that's normal right?  Everyone takes 19 pills a day........Bueller?

Anyway I am in here somewhere.  Someday I might emerge. For now, I am at the very beginning of a year long program.  I have a one on one therapist and group I go to once per week. I still go to WRC almost every week.  So that gets me out 3 times a week.  That's enough, along with the family shopping and all the Dr. appointments  for everyone else, lessons, band concerts, etc. oh and my zoo and all the plants I decided to rescue. I keep busy.

Crazy, yes. Annoying, yes. Sadder than I have ever been, yes.  Hopes for the future, fleeting. But I'm here and that is what seems to matter right now.  Day after day, I am here making another crocheted something. Thinking I could have done something that mattered, blah blah blah, but I'm here.  k~

Friday, November 21, 2014

ok, there's my feet

Well there they are, I have 2 feet and I see them.  
That is something.  I think today was really hard.  
I am on a new medication that helps reduce my self injurious behavior.  
YES it has made me drowsy.  
So now I have to figure out what I am going to do with this pill.  
I will get it worked out on the weekend, hopefully.  
Hopefully, I will be able to drive. 
I can't believe how long this has taken to get well.
according to my therapist and psychiatrist i am kind of pretty low.
My goal is staying alive.
I think this is a new me.  k~

Thursday, November 20, 2014

not so comfortably numb

i never imagined feeling emptier.  i know there are moments in time that one can feel even less alive. but for now, for me, this is my bottom, i am afraid, wow. it is no longer a question when i can get myself outside of my house, it is if  i ever will.  i think i like cashiers or that one person in the aisle at the store.  i love this because it is short and friendly, i can smile maybe even laugh and try and make their day a bit brighter.  they don't know me and i don't know them.  i have no dignity so i have nothing to loose and the interaction will be over quickly so that's good too. yes,those are my perfect new relationships.

i got some news last saturday that threw me. it doesn't need to be shared here, the details i mean. but i can't believe how quickly it changed my depression into a form of shock and void. i can honestly say the news left me empty of emotion to this day. i catch myself staring and for how long i don't know.
sunday came, and so did the rest of the information, there's more? and from then on i think humiliation and embarrassment have replaced any other emotion trying to make its way in.  i own these.  i should.  never mistake that this experience i am going through is not deserved, because it is.  it has just taken or deepened my depression to the point i am void of emotions other than those two.  i actually can completely relate to the song "comfortably numb". i am numb.  and not since high school has that happened.  i have wanted to self harm to see if i have out ward feelings but then i accidentally walked into a file cabinet drawer and cut my leg.  i felt it. so that was ok.

i got lost on my way to dbt on tuesday and had to call rick in a panic because i didn't know what to do.  i have been to this place like 10 or more times.  i swerve into other lanes and no i am not on my phone, my mind just wonders.  kind of shouldn't be driving. i have so many projects i want to do for gifts and i sit and stare instead or draw something that looks like my lizard did it.

some days i wish for the "everything stuffed" happy kirsten.  but i bet if i were around people who knew the old me it would be refreshing to see me for a few minutes, i would say almost nothing and then sit there staring or drawing.  i bet that would be refreshing.


Friday, November 14, 2014

Depression - national suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255

So I have to go back to the 3rd of November to give myself and you some perspective on the time frame.  I am in yet another therapy appointment.  This time it is with Rita our marriage therapist and Rick.  I was very down on that Monday.  The day itself seemed to drag, everything seemed to have a weight on it.   As usual in the therapy session the conversation turns to my depression.  She makes a verbal note that I have never looked so down in a while.  She was encouraging Rick to make sure for me to see my psychiatrist the day after or possibly take me to the hospital. I can't imagine a lonelier place.  I would be so scared, I don't want that. I spend most of my days alone anyway I don't want to be in a place where I have to stay and be alone. That is still where I sit. 

I saw this video on depression.  And some of this I am guilty of doing.  I have wanted to shake dear friends out of depression because before the end of Feb. 2014 I have never had sever depression. Just Sever Anxiety (and I say that tongue and check, Anxiety is a super monster of its own) But as I sit in my 9th month with this horrible condition, I remember seeing this video right after Robin Williams death.  And still now, I feel probably worse.  I have been told that having both severe anxiety and severe depression along with Chronic pain isn't doing me any favors, but its there none the less.  I like this mans message in one way, it encourages depressed or troubled people to reach out before making that final decision. To talk to someone who is always there. The Crisis hotline or the Suicide hotline.  That is a very serious and very real message.  It is important and the number needs to be written on your hand. Come to think of it I should probably do that....hmmmm.  But one MAJOR MAJOR HUGE thing about this video that is missing, is the numbers plastered EVERYWHERE.  As a matter of fact I don't see it at all IN the video.  He also implies that everyone has someone like him to go to.  Not everyone has someone out there for you when you feel suicidal or you are ready to burn yourself with a cigarette which apparently you are supposed to go right to the ER if you do that... whoops.  Self injury is a "gateway" to Suicide.  You learn something everyday.  So I am going to take this video as a metaphor for this guy being the Crisis place you are to call. Because some of us don't have that person he describes.  And for the record, the number is

Mpls/St. Paul 24hr. Crisis Connection

Here is the video:


Saturday, November 08, 2014

Toxic people - Toxic me

The more therapy I go through the more I hear "you must get rid of the toxic people/relationships in your life."  For some reason, last night I realized that I am the toxic person. I am the one that others are getting rid of.  I am the one that others are turning away from for THEIR own good. Many people have just left me like turning off a light switch since high school. Some told me I was no good and they could no longer be my friend, others just like one day friend other day not. Of course it hurt greatly and it changed my view of relationships and friendships.  That's why as far as important stuff goes in my life I am a complete introvert and that's where I have been for 30 odd years. But for the longest time I looked at it the wrong way.  I was like everyone is leaving me... i'm so hurt, boo hoo, when in fact, I must have been doing the hurting. The evil towards them.  The clinging. The too much.  The inappropriate.  I AM THE TOXIC PERSON!!! I say to these people in all seriousness "Wow you are brave.  You can just turn from a "friend", walk away and wash your hands of that toxic person."  I know it probably was hard at first.  Toxic people linger, and boy now that I know I am one of them it is like the full sun is shining right on me and I have nothing I can hide.  I talk and chat/text too much.  I connect too much.  I need too much.  I want too much.  I am too much.  I am a chronic good byer.  I know I am bad for people.  I don't even have to sense it, I know it.

I am fun to be with for a very short time. I laugh, tell stories and love to hear a good story.  I love good conversation.  I love serious conversation. I love people.  I love to get to know them and learn where they are from and their life stories. I love to sit in silence and just be with them.  I do actually, I really do.  But there is never time anymore.  I am always there for people. I love to help if I am needed.  But far too many times, actually most of the time i am SO EXCITED that someone reached out for me, ME, that I get so happy and excited that I smother the person and the toxic part of me takes over before I know it.  I don't give myself the chance to show the person that I am a very good listener, that I am kind and compassionate, that I am not selfish, that I am so very very loyal.

The problem is, I can't do those things.  I am toxic.  I am the one you want to stay away from.  It's funny what I don't realize that has been in me my whole life. Hmmm.  Sorry to those I have been toxic to all they way back to high school.  I would like another try to show any of you that I can be kind and listen.  Someday maybe, someday. K~

Monday, November 03, 2014

9 month update ... wow 9 months with severe depression.. who'ed of figured

I can't believe I am going to share even a part of how I felt yesterday. All of my feelings at this point sit on a tiny point. Time goes on, well really hours not days or months.  During this time, from the outside, life seems normal for me.  I work hard for that.  But always there is the constant balancing act going on inside.  If one side goes to far, the work it takes to right it is very very challenging.  It is exhausting and can set me back for hours, days sometime weeks depending.  

Let's talk about yesterday. Triggers everywhere I turned.   I was determined to be there for Laurie.  I wanted to be a good girl and behave myself.  But no, I could not.  I could not behave myself like in almost every setting. I crumbled.  Crying and crying, lightly, but still crying.  People ignored me, as you can only imagine they should.

I needed to leave.  I needed to run away.  I went to the car. I smoked 2 cigarettes and I usually don't smoke.  And then it happened.  I wrote on myself again.  I haven't for some time. "Invisible" is what I wrote.  Because I feel unheard, unseen, forgotten.  I hear others, right now yelling at me to grow up and get over myself.  Just grow up.  How old are you anyway? I see them rolling their eyes.  Kind of even laughing at my stupidity.

I lose friends because of how needy,crazy, and stupid I am.  I am 47 and one by one they turn their backs.  If ever one more therapist challenges me that that is JUST MY PERCEPTION that will be my last day in therapy, I promise.  My own husband doesn't want me at his work anymore. He is embarrassed of me. I talk too much. He has literally banned me from his job. Who can feel proud of oneself when there own husband thinks of you as an embarrassment. I have been called annoying to my face by people who I consider friends, and they are right, I have been told to go away by my children because they have to study, Friends don't call me to go out anymore. (ok that isn't all true Tanesha and Laurie) It's always me searching for someone.  I am a fool. Of course I am too much.  If I ever get a call or a chat to go out I am extremely nervous that this is the time they are going to say "Ya know Kirsten, we've been friends for a long time, but......"

So there it is 9 months after the depression set in.  I step into a program that is to last a year. By the time 365 days are over I will by then have no one and will be starting from an empty slate.

I am sharing this with all of you in blog land and Facebook for one reason.  The reason has absolutely nothing to do with me. The reason has to do with others that can be caught before there world looks like this in their heads.  Before they find themselves burning a hole in there arm with a cigarette just to see if they are invisible or not. (at 47 what a joke)

"Start seeing hurting people"  And as hard as it may be don't walk away from someone hurting even though they are impossible, at the the very least check in every now and again and let them know you love and care about them. Abandoning a hurting person is like kicking a wounded animal or slapping a crying child who has a big cut.   Most of the hurting people DON'T want to feel the way they do.  Seriously,  They just want friends and fun and laughs.  They want hugs and snuggles and good conversation.  They want to feel useful and needed.  They want to feel important.  They have something to offer.  They also want to help people in need too.

As for me, my boot straps are firmly placed in my hands as we speak and I am ready to pull myself up by them yet again.  I have a family with many needs that I have to provide for.  I have many animals that I am the only caregiver too.  At this point if I don't have anything outside of this house it will be ok.  I will make it somehow.  I have for many years and will for quite a few more. I can only write from my perspective, but there are so many others who are out there right in front of your face that need you.

Just wanted you to know.  K~