Tuesday, December 30, 2014

New Years Resolution: Remove the toxic people from your life, even if you are the toxic person.

Well there is a new year approaching (1 day) and needless to say I am not looking forward to 2015.

The 2014 was one of my worst years of my life. I can only think of maybe 2 or so that came close to this one.   Will I say happy new year at midnight tomorrow.  I can say for sure no. December 31st was my deadline.  I have kept this date close to me and very secretive. Only Rick has know for very few days.  A few months ago, I was faced with the statement, "If there are toxic relationships or people in your life, you need to get rid of them. It is an important step to healing."  For a few days I sat on this statement thinking and pondering over it.  And frankly, I could only think of one person that was the most toxic harmful person in my life... and that was me.  I am the most toxic person to me and to others around me.  I have been told subtly and not so subtly.

So this brings me back to my count down.  I gave myself to the end of this year to remove the toxic person from my life.  So far nothing has worked.  As a matter of fact more people have been successful at removing me from their lives then me doing it myself. Another example of me being weak and selfish.

So what does tomorrow bring?  I am not completely sure.  I have made a few decisions but not all. Yes they are selfish. Yes they are self centered. Yes they will make at least a few people quite happy in the long run.  For me I will be at peace eventually with my final decisions.  And really that is what a new year is suppose to bring, a resolution for change. Mine will at one point bring change and hopefully peace.

For those of you that read this I do truly wish you a happy new year.  I have already read some peoples excitement for the new year and it brings a smile to my face. I am happy for all of you that are moving forward and moving on together with happiness in your heart. May 2015 bring blessings and joy without  comparison.


Saturday, December 20, 2014

Just who am I fooling?

Ya know right when I enjoy just a bit of what it might feel like for the other people, I am pulled back in  it as if the grand universe is having fun with it's toy. I woke up this morning with just a bit of hope on my mind. Just a bit of thing may be ok today. It's 1:45 now.  My 12 year old is crying.  He told me I am not physically abusive mom but I am mentally abusive mom all the time. Now he is in a puddle of tears I caused.  My daughter is on her way to her boyfriends with her teeth grinding and her fists clenched because of this stupid trip to Arizona we are leaving for at 8 am tomorrow morning.  She is hating every waking minute of it. My 15 year old is packing, after his medication has finally kicked in and he is even keeled.  I'm sitting in a mess of my own stuff with hours of work ahead and truly ready to throw up and give up. Rick is going to work in 3 hours and wont be home until 11:30 or Midnight.  We leave at 8 am.

I start to think of every pain usually mentally that I have and that I have caused and the spiral starts. I want to use my skills but I have been in battle since about 10 am and I am now just physically sick. The odd thing is I wake up most of my days like "oh there's the sky, it's morning." and then, like a truck comes and broadsides me I say "Oh ya that's right... It's my morning."

Who am I fooling.  Just who am I fooling?  k~  

Monday, December 15, 2014

My perspective of "moving on" from depression

I have been aware of the months ticking by.  I have felt every morning as I wake up.  Not one has been blown off and has not come with deep feelings.  I am also aware of the advice and words that have come to me through out these so may months.  The one common theme I hear has been mostly "Move on. It's time."

Well I will try to put "Move on. It's time." in perspective.  It may seem obvious that I would want to move on right now and forget about the last 10 months. I am extremely sick of how I feel.  It, however, is challenging for me to even understand, let alone move on from depression. So, I ask myself, why am I being asked to move on from depression?  Would I not if I could?  Maybe there is something about depression that I don't know and one of theses so many pills will eventually show me the answer. Most certainly it's the pitty party for one I am holding over here. At first people were concerned but now it's just annoying.  I get it.  But the following is my reality and my perspective. No one else's.  So here goes.

I started a DBT program (again, this will be my 4th with a partial hospitalization and day program thrown in there too)) roughly 5 to 6 weeks ago.  Last week I just signed some "contractual paperwork" to officially begin the DBT therapy.  My DBT Therapist said to me that at this point in my therapy we are working on keeping me safe and alive.  The DBT program will come soon.  My new medication is for SI and SIB.  If you don't know what it is,  it is for Suicidal Ideations and Self-Injurious Behavior.  This medication has seemed to work, but the side affects made me dizzy and sleepy and unsafe to drive for a couple of weeks.  The side affects have worn off a bit and  I should be able to start driving soon.

Depression is as individual as the person who has it. I believe this common knowledge.  There is no time that can be assigned to healing.  So that brings me back to the "Move on. It's time".  I even had that belief, especially when I was in partial hospitalization.  I was like who are these people leaving they are still ill but when it was time for me to go, I understood. I felt much better.  I was fragile but with skills.  But when my after care was not handled correctly by professionals that you are sent to, one can soon collapse into ones depression really quickly and that is what happened to me.  It happened over one weekend.

I think there is a time limit to healing.  What I mean by this is, there is a time limit for caring.  Friends and Family are only in it for a very short time before I exhaust time and it becomes old news. I have experienced this quite a bit in the last 10 months.  Saying you are going to be there for someone and actually being there for someone is HUGE in anxiety and depression, at least for me. A time limit.  That's silly.  How can one put a limit on healing the human brain. Our bodies are such a mystery that when one talks about unexplored worlds we just need to look into a mirror.  Everyday scientists and doctors are finding out new things about the human body, let alone the zillion animals that fill our rich planet.  Our brains touch our physical body.  Get out of bed. Don't get pit of bed. Say hi to that person. You better not.  Move fast. Move slow.  Eat. Food?  My arm hurts.  I don't remember hurting it.  My leg doesn't feel right.  I have a buzzing in my entire head. Who said that. I better check.  Whose to say move on and proceed as normal?  Am I suppose to bring that group of mumbling talking women with occasional children outside my wall, with me to the grocery store? Should I adjust the volume on the care radio to drown out the squealing in my ears?  I guess so.

I guess at least I am able to say, that I know now Finally, and I know it took too long but i was busy being overwhelmingly sad, it is now time to let free this topic of depression. I my post here and there but nothing like before. If you feel sad, get heard. someone out thete cares about you. k~

Monday, December 08, 2014


Today I am recognizing Trust in my life.  
I am observing, just observing my animal friends in what they are doing and how they are handling their day.  They know that I will be over to see them soon.  They know that I will clean and feed them.  Their water will be refreshed.  Some will get a pat on the head or be held for a while.  They in their primitive way know they will get taken care of.  The plants wilt ever so and I water them.  I check the dirt I check the for dead leaves.   My children know I am here for them.  They know that I have always had their back.  It has come to the point where now they don't even look back to see if I am there.  They know I am.  They know I will be there to bring in the cookies forgotten for the party, They know I will nonjudgmentally listen to ANY topic they bring up.  They know I will discuss any topic that needs to be discussed. ANY topic.  My husband trusts me to care for their medication and doctor needs, and there are many.  He trusts me to care for all the animals.  He trusts I know where EVERYTHING is in this crammed messy messy house.  It really feels special to be entrusted with special people grow to be smart and strong people despite all their issues along the way.  I never once gave up on my beautiful children.  I know they wanted to believe I did, but they just knew I didn't.  
To me, Trust, is the time when you,they don't look back because you,they know your/their special person is still standing there smiling, maybe with a tear in their eye as you/they embark on a new adventure without you/them. 

Trust isn't easy but nothing really worth it is.  Trust takes practice. Trust takes falling down.  Trust takes redo after redo.  Trust is not a gift to open. Trust is always hard work.  It is always selfless. It is always concern for yourself and at least one other thing. You must rely on someone or something in order to have trust. At least that is what I think. When I need to pick up my Medusa the snake that likes to strike, I have trust that she is learning my scent.  I put my hand in her habitat with cautious respect.  She strikes less these days. I trust she trusts me.  It's beautiful. K~

Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Only feelings today

I tried to write today but there were only feelings.  I tried to reach the feelings but every time I reached for them they moved further away.  If I turned around they would come upon me and stick to me so tight that I could no longer remove them. Hour after hour the feelings would surround me.  I would look back and as I turned around to look ahead the feelings were also on my front.  No words.  Just feelings consuming me today.  Feelings that made me look down in shame.  Feelings that brought tears.  Feelings that made me want to explain. Feelings that made me want to end my suffering.  Feelings that made me want to undo any suffering I ever caused. Anxiety tried to even wiggle it's way in today, but it didn't make much head way. Not just moments were lost within my feelings, but minutes, seconds, hours. in this case, it was an entire day. This was a day that I did not win. This was a day that the house got cleaner as I got sadder. It's one of those nights I decide if it is better for me to stay away all night so I don't have to wake up and relive the remembering the way I feel or if I go to sleep and once I wake up the feelings just start where they stopped when the last nightmare ended. 
That is my depression.