Tuesday, October 07, 2014

Just going to be sitting here or over there....

As I sit here on a Tuesday morning with a literal pile of paperwork to fill out for another intake for another group that I should try and involve myself so I can be a healthy, stop hating myself person, I realize that I have a ton of stuff to do.  As I look in my barely livable kitchen I here the water running from I don't even know how many filters for I don't know how many animals and I am almost blinded by the heat lamps and the UVB lamps that fill the corner Zoo with the appropriate lighting.  Time ticks by and I have to shower, fill out forms, get ready to go, find this, find that, take my, what is it up to now??? I am not sure the number of morning pills.

My rambling is obsessive.  My typing and writing is obsessive.  Hell, I'm obsessive.  I am a needy sucker.  I suck the living need from any thing that is alive around me.  I often smile where there was a lone hardy laugh.  I would be all alone in my house.  I hadn't spoken a word in say 4 hours except possibly "Bing" or " Medusa stop trying to bite me" or "I'm not answering that" but that's about it, if even.  I can do this for 8, 10, 14, sheesh 24 hours. The not talking thing.  Maybe even the not chatting or texting. Just thinking or doing.  I have gone over a week without leaving my stead.  Barely without leaving the house.  No need.  

But sometimes I get an urge to get out here.  Take a risk.  It may creep up on its own, It may be initiated by a past friend saying hello. Or it may be even more organic.  But soon I find myself in a relationship of some kind that is going on and on.  Moving this way and that.  Kind of fun in a way. But true to form they end.  Somehow they end.  Most of mine don't fizzle because we are old and busy and life just gets in the way.  That happens, no hard feelings.  Mine go out with a final rip and tear fest of me killing any hope of resurrecting a kind calm relationship afterwards.  It's practically a talent. Remember the beginning of the ramble or did I even write it down? anyway I was thinking it.  It was about me going to another place to stop being me when it comes to relationships. But by the time I master that, there will hardly be anyone left to try it out on.  So I think I am going to scratch the hours and hours of being told that everyone deserves this and that. I am just going to ramble and stay in my house and on my stead, as much as I can.  That is what I am going to do .  That is what I am going to work on mastering. I am not going to fake anything until I make it into something I am not. I am going to just ..... be.... sitting here.... or over there... that sounds right.  k~  

1 comment:

Bobbi said...

I can't help but feel that aloneness usually just leads to wanting more aloneness? At least that is the way my journey feels. Relationship, even though it's messy and allows the risk of pain, seems to be the only cure for the thing that we want to not feel. I like being alone, but being lonely is a whole nuther story. Wishing you peace today, my friend.