recovery

recovery from anything is a personal journey.  most often not to be shared with the public.  as of late, i have not shared much.  mostly because my better half has told me that people just don't want to see that.  he says it looks like complaining.  actually i have to agree with him.  depression is not an uplifting topic anyway you look at it.

i have not posted much on my depression here or on facebook, or at least I don't think so, for some time.

recently i got in an argument with a friend that I would call extremely dear and close.  she called me a stalker.  ironically, in college, i was stalked.  the police did nothing about it.  he would come to my work.  i worked alone in a huge building cleaning it at night.  he would show up at 1 am and scare me out of my mind.  he would show up where i was with my friends. one time he came to my house in cambridge. i know how being stalked feels and it is terrifying.

one other time i was referred to as a stalker by a beautiful man who has since lost his life to a heart condition.  i used to go to him for math help in college.  he was so nice to me. he always seems so open and willing to help. several years later i found out that my nickname was "the stalker".  to say i was crushed is a huge understatement.  i thought we were actually friends.  i thought i was welcome.  instead, i was a joke. i was laughed at behind my back.  i was disliked.  i was name called.  i was not a person that was looked forward to be seen.  i was ha ha ha "here comes the stalker".

2 days ago i found out that is what 2 people thought of me.  one person rightly so.  i only did what i did because he said we were friends and then he made it impossible for me to reach him.  i became irrational.  but i didn't go to his work? no, didn't go to his home? no.  i chatted to an empty never read chat wall. that's it. i tried to call that blue phone thingy, until he hung up on me mid ring, and blocked me. for that i am a stalker. i take full responsibility.  but it was she who called be a stalker. and for that my heart broke. she was my dear friend. she could only see me as bad.

i have vowed to myself that i will never attempt another new friendship again. i will never subject myself on others.  if i am so upsetting to people, then to myself i will remain. facebook had been an on and off again decision for me.  there are 3 reasons i stay. i monitor what my kids do on FB, i like this one farm, and i do an art class through FB.  so if anyone wonders why i don't just get my annoying ass off of it, that is why.

sorry isn't a strong enough word for all the annoying bothersome things i do and am to people.  but now that i know if i get upset with someone the chances that they are 10 times more upset with me and celebrate when i go away are pretty good.

nope, depression doesn't really spell happy, laughing, fun.  especially when people don't like you to start with.

i remember an episode of sponge bob when he was traded by mr.crab's to go to davy jone's locker but was so annoying , davy jone's sent him back.  that is what is going to happen to me. when i die i will go straight to hell like i was told by my dad. but with in moments just like people on earth i will annoy the devil so much that he will kick me all the way to heaven. with a big "nope" sign on me. and i will forever in eternity clean men's bathrooms.  k~