recovery from anything is a personal journey. most often not to be shared with the public. as of late, i have not shared much. mostly because my better half has told me that people just don't want to see that. he says it looks like complaining. actually i have to agree with him. depression is not an uplifting topic anyway you look at it.
i have not posted much on my depression here or on facebook, or at least I don't think so, for some time.
recently i got in an argument with a friend that I would call extremely dear and close. she called me a stalker. ironically, in college, i was stalked. the police did nothing about it. he would come to my work. i worked alone in a huge building cleaning it at night. he would show up at 1 am and scare me out of my mind. he would show up where i was with my friends. one time he came to my house in cambridge. i know how being stalked feels and it is terrifying.
one other time i was referred to as a stalker by a beautiful man who has since lost his life to a heart condition. i used to go to him for math help in college. he was so nice to me. he always seems so open and willing to help. several years later i found out that my nickname was "the stalker". to say i was crushed is a huge understatement. i thought we were actually friends. i thought i was welcome. instead, i was a joke. i was laughed at behind my back. i was disliked. i was name called. i was not a person that was looked forward to be seen. i was ha ha ha "here comes the stalker".
2 days ago i found out that is what 2 people thought of me. one person rightly so. i only did what i did because he said we were friends and then he made it impossible for me to reach him. i became irrational. but i didn't go to his work? no, didn't go to his home? no. i chatted to an empty never read chat wall. that's it. i tried to call that blue phone thingy, until he hung up on me mid ring, and blocked me. for that i am a stalker. i take full responsibility. but it was she who called be a stalker. and for that my heart broke. she was my dear friend. she could only see me as bad.
i have vowed to myself that i will never attempt another new friendship again. i will never subject myself on others. if i am so upsetting to people, then to myself i will remain. facebook had been an on and off again decision for me. there are 3 reasons i stay. i monitor what my kids do on FB, i like this one farm, and i do an art class through FB. so if anyone wonders why i don't just get my annoying ass off of it, that is why.
sorry isn't a strong enough word for all the annoying bothersome things i do and am to people. but now that i know if i get upset with someone the chances that they are 10 times more upset with me and celebrate when i go away are pretty good.
nope, depression doesn't really spell happy, laughing, fun. especially when people don't like you to start with.
i remember an episode of sponge bob when he was traded by mr.crab's to go to davy jone's locker but was so annoying , davy jone's sent him back. that is what is going to happen to me. when i die i will go straight to hell like i was told by my dad. but with in moments just like people on earth i will annoy the devil so much that he will kick me all the way to heaven. with a big "nope" sign on me. and i will forever in eternity clean men's bathrooms. k~