Well there it is

Today as I see it has been very muddy yet revealing at the same time.  Each time I take a moment to wipe off some of the mud, sitting waiting underneath is a clear visual of the last 24 hours.  The visuals are not exactly what I wanted.  The visuals were however answers to many of my deep seated questions and most definitely some clarity to some of my experience over the last 7 months.

Regarding relationships, I have always been aware that I have been too much to take.  But to look someone in the eye and have them lie to me 2 times and then ask them the same question a third time and tell them to tell me the truth once and for all.  And they finally did.  It was just as it seemed.  It was just as I worried but knew.  And sadder then anything the person felt they needed to lie to me because the truth was kind of icky.  They wanted to be kind to me, not mean, but the real truth is that is who I am.  I AM too much to take.  I always have been.  The sad part is at 47 I still drive people away with my overbearing and needy self.  It hurts me to be me, but like any hard core addiction, it's what I know.  All I can say for that part of this is I am sorry and I know I am this way.

The next smearing off came again this morning when I realized (over and over and over) that there are very few places left to "fix" a person that has lived 47 years the same way.  There are fewer professionals who are willing to stick around long enough to see me through it.  For those who have I thank them dearly.  For those who haven't I don't blame them one bit.  Run away I say.  You can't fix something that is broken and the pieces you have simply don't fit at all together anymore. My pieces don't fit.

So to some it up, I will never forget that persons eyes looking at me when they told me that yes I was just too much and too needy.  Too much to keep up with.  "I am just too much" and I am being carted off to another place that will try and help me for a bit and find out that I am just broken and all my pieces have been rounded off like glass in the crashing waves of the ocean.

regret/guilt

Even if this sounds depressing, it shouldn't be.  It should be a lesson to those who still have time in their young lives to work on themselves.  Get help no matter how hard it maybe to get there or find it get help, because once you are my age, the opportunities start shutting down, the doors start to close and you find yourself alone, living in a pile of regret and shame. That is a very sad place to live.

Shame