Sunday, November 23, 2014

crazy yes, annoying yes. but i'm still here

Tomorrow I am home bound. That's not a bad thing really.  I will pretend I am going to do a few things but it will be me pissing away my day starting one thing and forgetting I was doing it and then starting another thing and so on. until it starts to get dark out and then it's late. Then it's close to bed time I think.  But it's 6 pm and I get a bit overwhelmed because I want it to be like 9:30.

My new medication is really something else.  It hits me and keeps me confused and tired all day and night.  I keep my blog on here where it belongs and if people come here that I invited, then cool, it's just out there.

The medication is so important because it is helping me stay alive. That is what I am told.  The hospital has been brought up more than once to me recently.  That scares me a lot.  I feel a tremendous amount of loneliness now.  My biggest fear of being put in the hospital is that you're all alone. wow.  I feel so alone now. I can't imagine the doors shutting behind me there.  I have been inside as a visitor and it is lonely. So I take my medication. I am up to 15 pills in the morning. 6 pills are recommended vitamins. 9 pills are prescriptions.  And 4 prescriptions at night. 19 a day, that's normal right?  Everyone takes 19 pills a day........Bueller?

Anyway I am in here somewhere.  Someday I might emerge. For now, I am at the very beginning of a year long program.  I have a one on one therapist and group I go to once per week. I still go to WRC almost every week.  So that gets me out 3 times a week.  That's enough, along with the family shopping and all the Dr. appointments  for everyone else, lessons, band concerts, etc. oh and my zoo and all the plants I decided to rescue. I keep busy.

Crazy, yes. Annoying, yes. Sadder than I have ever been, yes.  Hopes for the future, fleeting. But I'm here and that is what seems to matter right now.  Day after day, I am here making another crocheted something. Thinking I could have done something that mattered, blah blah blah, but I'm here.  k~

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