21

21 is significant to me.  That is the number of pills I take in a 24 hour period.  7 are supplements, 3 "prescribed" and 4 to go with one or the other. A particular new one has now made it impossible to drive. I may get over that but it will be a good 3 or more weeks.  Not bad.  I've got a lizard to find.

So I have been reminded of the old commercial "Is it real or is it Memorx".   I am on so many medications.  Some are only for allergies.  Some are only for supplements.  But there are a good number of them that are for my head. The more that are added and the higher the dose goes it makes me seriously wonder how much of me is really left inside.

But then, I think about how sad I get and the worries that mount and I know that I am much worse off without them. Because I feel that way on the meds.

Working to stay alive is a very hard place to start at the age of 47.  I suppose learning to live will be the next step.  But so far, I have worked on eating at least one thing that is not sugar.  I didn't do so hot today, I have done better on other days. Other dangerous thinking have lowered which is nice. That has been helped by the new medication and increase in the dosage of another AND a lot of good thoughts and prayer.  Thank you all by the way.

I can't begin to explain how embarrassing all of this is for me.  I am asked often, especially by Rick, why do I feel I need to "put it out there".  And I always reply that I have been putting mental health issues "out there" for years.  Mostly about my anxiety and my kids ADD, ADHD, Depression,  Separation Anxiety, and High Anxiety like I have too. Through all of this in which I live daily with my family all of a sudden (well 10 months ago) I slip into the darkest deep depression I have ever felt.  I have never had depression 1/4 this bad.  So I chose to write about my journey.  So there is my answer.  If I ever get well enough, I will write about life with a mini me, 2 ADHD's and ADD. It makes for a very loud and active home. k~