Thursday, November 20, 2014

not so comfortably numb

i never imagined feeling emptier.  i know there are moments in time that one can feel even less alive. but for now, for me, this is my bottom, i am afraid, wow. it is no longer a question when i can get myself outside of my house, it is if  i ever will.  i think i like cashiers or that one person in the aisle at the store.  i love this because it is short and friendly, i can smile maybe even laugh and try and make their day a bit brighter.  they don't know me and i don't know them.  i have no dignity so i have nothing to loose and the interaction will be over quickly so that's good too. yes,those are my perfect new relationships.

i got some news last saturday that threw me. it doesn't need to be shared here, the details i mean. but i can't believe how quickly it changed my depression into a form of shock and void. i can honestly say the news left me empty of emotion to this day. i catch myself staring and for how long i don't know.
sunday came, and so did the rest of the information, there's more? and from then on i think humiliation and embarrassment have replaced any other emotion trying to make its way in.  i own these.  i should.  never mistake that this experience i am going through is not deserved, because it is.  it has just taken or deepened my depression to the point i am void of emotions other than those two.  i actually can completely relate to the song "comfortably numb". i am numb.  and not since high school has that happened.  i have wanted to self harm to see if i have out ward feelings but then i accidentally walked into a file cabinet drawer and cut my leg.  i felt it. so that was ok.

i got lost on my way to dbt on tuesday and had to call rick in a panic because i didn't know what to do.  i have been to this place like 10 or more times.  i swerve into other lanes and no i am not on my phone, my mind just wonders.  kind of shouldn't be driving. i have so many projects i want to do for gifts and i sit and stare instead or draw something that looks like my lizard did it.

some days i wish for the "everything stuffed" happy kirsten.  but i bet if i were around people who knew the old me it would be refreshing to see me for a few minutes, i would say almost nothing and then sit there staring or drawing.  i bet that would be refreshing.


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