Fear and pain can co exists. With me they often do. For the past year I have lived a life of contradictions. Within my day to day I get phone calls, texts and personal contact with people who are struggling to just get through the day. I know why they contact me. I know they contact me because I am always there to listen with two ears and one mouth. I take care of their emotions first and help them calm down, and then quietly listen to their pain. Some pour out as literally tears some pour out in words typed on a phone. But I feel their pain just the same. After there is a lull, I ask them if they want anything from me except a sounding board and if they do, I try and recount what I have heard. Truly most of what I hear through all the words and pain is, I want someone to see me and notice I am in pain. I want my pain to go away. I don't want to hate myself. Why do I keep falling down. After a long time with fear and pain I feel blessed. It seems as if it's the only feeling I can express when these types of transactions occur, and they happen at least a couple times a week for me.
In my situation, I take it just slightly different. In my life I have been told I talk to much. I was raised in a family where we were seen and not heard. In first grade a teacher actually put tape across my mouth. As I grew up in public school I chattered like a magpie because I could. In 10th grade everything changed for me and roles were reversed and I now needed to be strong for everyone. No one at school knew how bad I really had it. That was on purpose. I chattered still but never about important things. They might have even seemed important.
My college years were tumultuous at best. My first year included a rape that I ignored, hid, and buried. One person knew, and I didn't take his advise to seek medical help.
I was intensely stalked by one man that was my supervisor at my day job. He follow me home to Cambridge. He thought we were going out. He, I guess, got me this over night cleaning job. He would find me on an empty floor of a huge office building and surprise me, I mean scare me out of my mind. I called the police many times during this time and asked for help. I was very afraid. He was much bigger then I was. They said they can do nothing unless he touches me. Finally the management of the building found out he was doing this, and it didn't come from me. They had him arrested. The police made me go to the squad car where he was hand cuffed and sitting and said out loud " Is this the man that has been coming here at nights to see you and bother you" and I barely said yes" and the police officer said "louder miss", and I said "yes" and they took him away. He, I am sure to this day, does not know I never called the police on him.
Someone may say "Oh Kirsten, that was so far in the past." Move on. But when there are still relationships that have such wonderful promise, for say 4 weeks to be generous, and it starts as such a giving relationship. But then the one party who started the whole thing with a promise of friendship. (you know what that is to me, a real friendship??? It's like the best gift I would have ever gotten) decides you know...I have gotten all I need here, I'm done, she's nuts and boy does she go on and on, and guess what I thought I liked her but I don't ....hu. I really don't. Her work here is done. Good bye. Click. And I sincerely never hear another genuine word from them in a year. That is extremely painful. Amazing stick-to-it-iveness never ever ever looking back, bribed me with friendship, and never gave me one.
So I have sat here like an idiot waiting for that friendship that will never come. Through the grapevine found out that I am referred to as a "stalker" in a very small circle. So now I am a stalker too.
This is how healing DOES NOT occur quickly. I think this is how people turn "weird." I think this is how you see those people digging out of garbage cans and live on the street. I can totally imagine myself there. Anyone I speak to, I keep my distance. I try so so hard to keep my distance. I remember 2 ears 1 mouth. I am with them for their needs. It may be flawed thinking, but it is real and a safety net for me. You see, If I am "too much", "good for only a few jollies", "easily thrown in the garbage", "never thought of again, except like trash", "and like a stalker" AND "100% guilty, even though I didn't start it but was bribed by a friendship" I am not going to go out there. I am not going to make a friend. I am going to be leery of my current friends. I don't want to do that to them. This is how someone slowly goes crazy. They (or I) go crazy because people need people. They need closeness and bonding. They need to feel comfortable to talk to someone without feeling worried, guilty, ashamed, A friend.
In conclusion, I am very ill right now, I am not going to use it as a crutch. I am going to accept it as my lifestyle. It is who I am, It is who I have been since 1982. And if I stay away from people I wont hurt them. I just had to explain. Because most of you who read my blog, I fear you feel left in the dark as to what is going on with me. But I can't speak in details because it would be to revealing and hurtful for the other party involved and that I don't want. I am working extremely hard to move forward. Forward is a awkward movement. Someday I may break free. I really might. I have hurt people a long my 47 year journey. I have taken blame for other people because I care for that other persons situation. All the stuff that some of you have probably lived through.
If you ever see a disheveled looking lady hanging around a park and digging in garbage cans with a chicken and a bearded dragon that will probably be me. But by that point I will be happy.
And just for the record: I think I would have been a good friend. I think I would have been fun. I think I would have had a lot of exciting weird stories to tell about my travels and just life working and living with wild animals. I think I would have been a good listener of stories. I think I would have been a real good friend. But those days have waned and are kind of gone now. k~