Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Somewhere in the shadow

As of late, I feel I am somewhere in the shadow.  I feel like I am in that place in the darkness that if you move ever so slightly, a part of you might show.  At moments I feel a sense of comfort there. Other moments I feel scared and long for someone to find me.  Normally when I think of being in a shadow I think of them being silent. Something like walking into a sound booth of some kind.  But for me life is never quiet, not even in the shadow.  I have a constant high pitch squeal that has not let up for years. Sometimes it is louder than others, but loud would always be in it's description.

The other day my psychiatrist put me on a medication that takes strange voices and creepy visions away.  Even the medication doesn't help the squeal go away.

So hear I stand in the shadow with my squealing ears and my racing brain, watching life go by, wasting minutes of valuable life.  Watching. Waiting. Wondering. Worrying.  Over what I couldn't possibly know.  Sometimes it's family. Well often it is family.  What will be come of them.  How will they thrive? Where will they go? Who will they meet? Sometimes it about my husband directly.  Will he ever seek out what he actually needs or deep down inside longs for.  Will true happiness come his way.  Will a wonderful wave of relaxation wash over him and he finds himself laughing and leaning back on a seat in a beautiful fishing boat, just enjoying the day.

I wait. My pain is mostly internal.  Much of which it was a year and a half ago.  December 2013 I never could have imagined what opportunities I would have and destroy so horribly and so quickly.  I don't get second chances.  Not the one for second chances.  I have stopped believing in them, many months ago.  If you were to watch me you would say I am a lier, but let me give you an analogy.

What I wait for in the darkened shadows, where I am just out of sight,  where I am filled with pain that it is like an anchor that does not allow me to move is gone for good.  It is fruitless to wait for. I wait for Joy.  Pure Joy.  I wait to actually look into someones eyes and really feel their love for me coming back at me filling me up with love.  I don't necessarily mean in a romantic way, I mean love, compassion. A love that with one look lets me know I am ok just as I am right now, Standing in the darkness of the shadow.

Some of you have seen me quite animated.  Some have seen me laugh. Some have seen me when I can not stop talking. Who is that you much wonder.  Well that is me too.  And that is where my Analogy begins.  When you go to capture an Anole (small lizard) with your hands most often it's tail ends up dropping off.  The tail can keep moving for up to 15 minutes after it is off the lizards body.  I have timed and videoed one for 13 minutes. That is me.  I am that tail.  I am animated.  Moving super fast at first and can last for quite a bit of time.  Then since I am not attached to anything alive, I slowly  run out of energy and my spirit falters,  I begin to slow down and eventually stop.  With no one around, I begin to curl one way and then the other.  Possibly I am seeking out someone, who knows.  Then I realize I am alone and it's ok to stop.  All the wiggling isn't going to get me help, It's not going to get me back on my body.  I am now independent.  Alone. In my shadow. I kind of feel safe there. It's kind of nice.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you. I am so deeply sad because I want you to be happy. More importantly, I want you to love yourself with no judgement. True happiness comes from inside. The love of those around us is just gravy. Thinking of you and truly believing that at the end of this journey is a big, beautiful rainbow containing all of your hearts desires. Love ~ Your Coffee and Crochet Partner.