Saturday, November 28, 2015

A Huge step in the right direction (cautious but sure)

I am taking just a short break from my animals to give you an update on my progress/condition/moving on.  At the beginning of the month I went to listen to Rabbi Kushner speak at the Basilica of St. Mary in Minneapolis.  He is the author of many books, his first one being Why bad things happen to good people.  The book aforementioned was his first, and he was now on a tour, at the age of 80, with his last book 9 Essential Things I've Learned About Life. It was a very nice evening lasting about an hour and a half.  I had no ah ha moments. But I did have a sense of self worth descend on me.  Although I went alone, I didn't feel lonely.  I was in the moment and enjoying my surroundings and the speakers, and all that went on.

From that day forward, I had some very dark dark days, like super dark. Mixed in them were surprisingly some being in the moment days.  Then one day shortly after, I caught Joel Orsteen on TV.  He's often talking about Joy, Happiness, How God loves us.  Feel goods.  But that isn't what I came away from it. I remembered the times when I would watch every Billy Graham special on TV.  At the very end he would ask people if they wanted to come to Jesus they could come to the people waiting for them to pray with them and Just as I am would play the entire time.  Back in those days they didn't cut everything.  And I have thought about those words a lot lately.  Like maybe even with my gross horrible flaws and my terrible enormous mistakes that keeps me unforgiven. Maybe I am OK just as I am.
Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bid’st me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come! I come!
Just as I am, and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot;
To Thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!
Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt;
Fightings within, and fears without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!
Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind;
Yes, all I need, in Thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!
Just as I am, Thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because Thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!
Just as I am, Thy love unknown
Has broken every barrier down;
Now, to be Thine, yea, Thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!  
I'm told I have to wait. Wait for what? Rick wants me to stop and wait. For what?  I ask again. It's been over a year and a half almost 2. If I just accept the obvious,  I can breath a huge sigh of relief. A weight is lifted then.  The weight of waiting for others to consider you as a person, and possible an audience for forgiveness just isn't worth your life.

I am just as God made me.  I am smart. People try and make me feel dumb, even myself, but I am smart, I know it.  I am funny and love to laugh, maybe even at odd things people don't get, but that doesn't matter, I am funny and love to laugh.  In the last week or more, I have laughed more than I ever thought I ever would again. I am rational. Yes I actually am.  I think a lot of things through.  I take a long time sometimes but that is because I consider everyone in the party that's involved. That takes time.  AND maybe someday, I can forgive myself for the transgressions I have been party to.

For those of you rooting for me, thank you. At this stage in my life. I am destroyed.  I have been ruined by selfishness, compassionless, unforgiveness.  I am functionally ruined.  I can't be expected to do much of what I did before.  My brain is VERY slow.  I am scared to go out of my house, to go to a parties, to go in public, even dare to call anyone a friend for fear they will go away.  But someday, when you see me out looking confident, it will be real and not a strong front that I have on to keep me from crying or leaving.  That day I hope will come.  Because laughing feels better than crying.

I AM MOVING ON! unforgiven, hurt, and knowing I could feel better...but I am moving on.

Rick I am sorry and I don't care who reads that.  For 2 years you have stood by me.  It has been tougher on you most of the time than me.  For all the hard work, compassion and patience you have given me, thank you. All your warnings I think are for my own good.  I also hear when you say that maybe someday I will get what will make me whole again.  Maybe what I needed will happen.  If I'm patient I may get what I need.  You see the good in people.  You are a good person and not destroyed.  For that I am so happy for you.  I love you Rick.  


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