Tuesday, March 05, 2013

I'm a bit better but somewhat the same

Well it is Tuesday night and I am working on several things at once as usual.  I am making an amigurumi character, zentangling in my art book.  working in my journal, and looking at my cross-stitch I am absolutely want to finish so I can start my neon piece!!

Alas,  there is life too.  Cleaning and feeding of my zoo and farm.  Cleaning and feeding my children :).  Cleaning and organizing my home. Repeat!

There is a beautiful March snow outside. I am happily almost caught up on my shows, where I can watch them in real time.  That, will be enjoyable.

Mostly, I am rising a bit out of my funk.  I hope that it continues.  It is hard.  I need to feel useful, but a lot of times I know that feeling is an empty feeling.  Most of the time, it only matters what others get from what I can give not so much what I get from it.  It is not what I get from my service, it is not the reason I do it.  I do it because it needs to be done.  It should be done.  So I do it.  I am here, so I do it.  Yes I get gratification from doing good for others, I get a sense of peace from caring for those who need.  I get "fed" from those I feed or aid.  It is enough to teach and show others things that I know.  Eyes that are bright with joy and excitement fill me up to overflowing.  Sometimes I get sad thinking that money is needed to live.  That the amount of money determines their usefulness in society.

Then I go back to the way I felt on Saturday.  When your life is over, people go through your things and move on.  and so on and so on. And the difference you made, you are never there to know it... really for real.

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