Becareful... It's all pretend. (written early May 2014)

I have spent the better part of 2 months in a deep depression.  Of course like anything it started from something small as everyone likes to say.  I don't like to say that.  I heard these words during marriage counseling... "you're mean to Rick" and that was it I have never returned from a hellacious journey that has included hallucinations from the past, delusions of the future, my future, confusion of what I look like to myself, to others. Distortion of time.  Never a clear sense of who are people I should talk to and who are those I should stay away from.  Everything is warped.

I have had at one point a magician visit me far from the past and play tricks on my soul. Day, night, day, night.  He was crafty and he was convincing. He made me feel beautiful and needed and not invisible.  I believed him.  He was so crafty.  He was good, he was really really good.  He knew to wait.  He know to get me comfortable.  He encouraged me to open up and give him more of my soul.  He would get me to open up even more and then even more. His craft was mastered, fine tuned, cleaver, with no faults.  The day came and with most of my vulnerability, most of my soul, most of my confidence and my courage laying before me, with one fell swoop he cut it off.  And as the saber came down from above his head towards me, he vanished from behind. His handsomeness was replaced by darkness. Everything he cut from me he took in one shocked blink of my eye.  No, I did not bleed. Not yet.  I did not cry.  Not yet.  All I could could manage to mouth were the words "never, ever, again"  and after that I remember nothing for I am not sure how long.

I feel shut out of  "the system".  It's like everyone is "playing doctor" with my condition, pretending I have a real condition but it's not really that serious.  Like she can wait. She's just pretending anyway.  Let's just wait for a week here and a week there.  No one explaining what happens if I go to the hospital with this. No one wanting me to be seen right away even though I tell them I want to kill myself.  I really think they are just wishing I would, and then they can all stand around and be like "oh, dear, so sad.  oh well. that's what happens"  and move on with life.

So here I sit.  I feel like I am at a crossroads.  Fake happiness and just move on closed off as much as I can.  Go to the appointments nod my head and just "recover" so everyone is happy and it will be over soon.  Or just end it all once and for all. That way my pain is gone.  I know life goes on.  My kids are so resilient. They will make it.  Rick is a loner he doesn't need me around and my family doesn't do mental health so if they can glom onto something to bitch about that "made me do it" they too will be fine.

I will make my mind up soon.  But I am not going to be running around much longer with me being told what and how to feel and fake caring and fake help.

K~