Tuesday, May 13, 2014

So here I go again (written 5-10-14)

So here I go again,  I have committed to another "get help here" for your problem!   So totally dumb.  I'm old.  I am just too old to make a change that is going to make any difference here.  After the magician left my life as recent as... currently... I am empty of soul, self, and trust.  The health care system has really shown me that suicide is not a serious concern, that care for suicide can be be chatted about for a bit and then rescheduled for another week to chat about again.

I live minute by minute.  I watch time by moments, not by hours, not by days and certainly by weeks.

With all this skepticism, I begin another journey I am not even close to prepared to begin.  I don't want to and if it wasn't for my children and my husband, but mostly my children, I wouldn't be doing this at all.... nope, nodda.

On Monday morning I will begin and 3hour, 3 day a week, 8 week group.  WOW how much I hate groups.  Wow.  I am not sure I understand it.  I am cynical, and negative and I don't have faith in me ever really being happy, ever.  So why am I doing it? Well the above reason.

Frankly, as I have told all my therapists killing myself would be easier. It might be the losers way out yada yada yada. but frankly I don't care about that either.  I am just so sick of feeling hated and lonely and dumb and unloved and forgotten.  I can't explain how I feel anymore.  I can't stay happy for any length of time.  My art seems to get uglier.  I don't like visitors, and I am a big downer.  I'm fat even though I don't eat. I can't cry even though I am so sad.  People ignore me even though I need to have people near me. But I want to be alone too all at the same time.  I don't blame anyone.  I only blame myself.  I did this to me. for just being me.

It's Mother's day tomorrow.  I never liked Mother's day.  I don't think I am a good mother.  I don't like the attention.  Just want to go to bed now.  I have Tomorrow to go through and then I have this horrible group to start..... nope. nope.



Bobbi said...

Ah, sigh. So painful to hear you say these words, but so so glad that you ARE saying them. That they are coming out, maybe really for the first time. I've never heard you be this 'real' and although it might be shocking and hard to hear, it's a step. You are making a step, dear Kirsten, and there are no guarantees where it will lead to. That is the nature of this world. But you are doing it anyway, for the things you value most are just a little too important not to take that step. Even if it costs and even if you doubt and even if it hurts to do it.

I am praying!!!!! And I really am proud that you are my friend.

No Less No More said...

Kirsten, I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with depression. It is a terrible disease. Don't give up!!! You have your children and they need you. You have to believe your are worthy.

Saving yourself may save your children.
Sending your prayers and strength.
Cheryl (Canada)

Researchers at Johns Hopkins Children’s Center found that children who are under 18 when their parents commit suicide are three times as likely as children with living parents to later commit suicide themselves. The likelihood increases when the parent who commits suicide is the mother. This highlights the vital importance of providing support to children who are grieving. Not only are we treating the trauma of sudden parental loss, we are also trying to break the suicide cycle in families.

K~ said...

Thank you so very much for your kind words. I am working so very hard. It has been such an uphill battle and quite surprising. I live with A lot of anxiety. I always have. I know anxiety. I know it well. But this depression has really taken control. My kids are what keep me going. My husband and my animals. My close friends do to. I just need to remember they still like me. that is so very hard for me to do. But I am trying. Thanks again.