So here I go again, I have committed to another "get help here" for your problem! So totally dumb. I'm old. I am just too old to make a change that is going to make any difference here. After the magician left my life as recent as... currently... I am empty of soul, self, and trust. The health care system has really shown me that suicide is not a serious concern, that care for suicide can be be chatted about for a bit and then rescheduled for another week to chat about again.
I live minute by minute. I watch time by moments, not by hours, not by days and certainly by weeks.
With all this skepticism, I begin another journey I am not even close to prepared to begin. I don't want to and if it wasn't for my children and my husband, but mostly my children, I wouldn't be doing this at all.... nope, nodda.
On Monday morning I will begin and 3hour, 3 day a week, 8 week group. WOW how much I hate groups. Wow. I am not sure I understand it. I am cynical, and negative and I don't have faith in me ever really being happy, ever. So why am I doing it? Well the above reason.
Frankly, as I have told all my therapists killing myself would be easier. It might be the losers way out yada yada yada. but frankly I don't care about that either. I am just so sick of feeling hated and lonely and dumb and unloved and forgotten. I can't explain how I feel anymore. I can't stay happy for any length of time. My art seems to get uglier. I don't like visitors, and I am a big downer. I'm fat even though I don't eat. I can't cry even though I am so sad. People ignore me even though I need to have people near me. But I want to be alone too all at the same time. I don't blame anyone. I only blame myself. I did this to me. for just being me.
It's Mother's day tomorrow. I never liked Mother's day. I don't think I am a good mother. I don't like the attention. Just want to go to bed now. I have Tomorrow to go through and then I have this horrible group to start..... nope. nope.