Shame

Shame is a painful feeling that's a mix of regret, self-hate, and dishonor. A good person would feel shame if they cheated on a test or did something mean to a friend.

Feeling shame — or being ashamed — is one of the most miserable feelings of all my feelings, but I can't put it on the top. Believe it or not, there are even worse feelings that are available daily, by the hour and by the minute.  But back to shame, when I feel shame, I feel like a bad person and regret what I did. If I'm trying to make someone else feel bad by scolding them, I'm shaming them. People also often say, "That's a shame," when something bad happens — meaning it's sad or a pity.  But they don't mean the shame I feel.  That shame often goes unseen by others.  If you are not familiar with shame or possibly have not been pointed out "oh, that is shame" you may not even know you have been shamed.  That is how it happened to me.  I didn't know why I hurt so much all the time.  But in about 1990, while seeing a therapist, I was introduced to shame. She explained shame to me and explained that I had experienced a lot of it in my past.  Since then, I have noticed shame here and there.  I have experienced shame here and there. I must be honest, however, I can't really catch it though. Let me try and describe shame happening.  Now if all of you were a Dr. Who fan I could easily explain by reminding you of the show that where Donna has that huge beetle put on her back.  She can't see it.  But other can catch a fleeting glimpse of it, and when they do, they are horrified.  That is carrying old shame with you forever.  Then there is shame happening to you (or me) and I am not noticing.  This is how that is done.  It quick and sly and can sometimes sound or even look like something normal but if you look or really listen with a trained ear you can see it or hear it. For those who are trained it quickly slips behind something of any shape, color or size and stays there until it is safe to travel along with all the other shame I or the intended target carries. Shame is just the right weight for the person who gives it.  Their toss is perfect.  It always fits it's target.  I have so much shame, so much that I don't even know I have yet. 46+ years of shame, day after day shame. It all fits in me and it doesn't appear to be going anywhere soon. It's heavy, oh so so very heavy.   Some how, I walk, I care take, I house keep, I keep on moving. Sometimes shame will accidentally let a real smile out...oops. and if anyone is there, if anyone cares, someone might see it. k~