Sunday, June 01, 2014

Today this is how I feel

In my day to day I am familiar with the feelings of uneasiness. I have felt my nerves rise as I reach into my snake Medusas habitat, ready to be struck, the fangs to possibly connect with my hand. As fast as a blink of a human eye she can strike me and return to her curled up position. It doesn't hurt, but it still can startle me.
I put my safety gear glasses on, I am cautious, always. I am not afraid though, I am never afraid. I know what to expect. I enter a flight pen and am greeted by an amazing great blue heron. His beak so long, so efficient, not meaning to harm me but he could. He takes to the air as I enter and there is barely room for both of us. I softly say “shh it’s ok, you’re ok” and get to work. He settles down and rests.
A rock pigeons will often hit me on the hand with their hard bone in their wing. It is swift and purposeful. It really stings.
Geese, Yes, they can hold their own. If you didn't know, I can tell you this special little tactic of theirs. Not only do the bite and bite hard, but the take hold and love to twist their beak. So make sure you respectfully keep their heads under the towel while holding them.
Snapping turtles the dinosaur of today. These are one of my favorite animals to care for. They love to jump once you have a grip on them. Don’t let them fool you, they jump high. I warn people when it is necessary to always allow them to jump and then fully bend down and pick them up.
Birds bite my hand, lizards whip me in the face, turtles nip at my fingers and grab my bracelets when I work in their tank. The cat and bunnies scratch me as I care for them and the dog well he just eats my food and smells.
Even my children, well they are children. They are growing and learning. I am here for them. It is unconditional. It is me who is here to teach them. They are the vulnerable ones in the relationship, just as the many I care for. I remind myself of that many times a day these days, because they have been so loving and caring of me. But I care and watch out for their needs, their safety, their school work, their fun, their health. I get hurt sometimes by the words they use and the choices they make. But they are children, love and support is the foundation of our relationship. I raise my voice usually because the din in our house is a loud din, not because I yell a lot. Unconditional, always available, they are always first.
I share all of this because these are the types of uneasy pains, nervousness, and situations that are or at least should be normal for me. For now, they have been secondary. I feel wrong about that.
But today, I woke up for the first time in 3 complete months and felt the closest to normal I have ever felt. I didn't think I would ever notice it. What does this mean? I don’t know. But it made me think about how wonderfully giving so many of you have been and how oddly hurtful others have been. It has at least for these few hours of reflection, made me feel like “hey, I don’t deserve to be treated badly. I’m a caring person. I’m nice or at least I try really hard to be. I’m super flawed. I’m always very sorry if I have ever hurt anyone ever.”
I kind of feel like one of my animals. I have been hurt in my past and in my present. I don’t share my past, so how is anyone suppose to know what has gone on. I don't share much of my present either. It is also too hard for me to figure out sometimes who is good and who is bad. I just don’t look at people like that. I just never have. I turn it to me…Always. I do have the ability to feel other peoples auras and I am usually pretty accurate. I haven't been wrong yet. It can however be hard to do just through a computer. But when it is time for me to run away, I usually do hit you with my wing, take a bite and twist, or strike and bite you on my way out. It’s just instinct I guess. Sorry.

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