Saturday, September 13, 2014

Doing Right for my Kids. That's my goal.

It is time has come time for me to raise the white flag. I surrender to the powers that be.  Whatever this is that I suffer from will not take a pause.  It morphs into shapes unrecognizable.  I have been described and diagnosed as one with "Distorted thinking" and anyone who knows me is unanimously saying "Well du! We've know that forever". I have also been told my "Depression is gone"  I have been told.  I have "chronic reassurance seeking" from my childhood, which makes me impossible to live with/be with.  I have anxiety that it off the charts and will probably stay there for some time, what's new. So as far as I can figure out I am back to the same place as I started as far as diagnosis goes, but feel worse than I ever had.  Time to move forward and forget about healing.  Just existing.

Existing keeps me with my family.  I am able to watch my children grown and enjoy happiness.  I can be there to help them when they are sad or upset.  I can watch them grow.  Be with my husband now and again.  

That is where I am at.  I am going to learn just to be the new me. I know that I have a few friends. I will speak with them now and again.

Thursday my DBT therapist came to me at the end and told me that she didn't think this was a fit for me.  It wasn't a surprise.  So I looked at her with tears running down my face just like when a friend dumped me again for the second time in 3 months, I stood there.  All I thought is where will I go then? What do I do with all this that I have here waiting to learn or in the friend case, waiting to share.  She said I can go to a different DBT group that is longer and more intense and I thought, "you know, I'm done.  I am done with being turned away at the caregivers places.  Being told I can't be helped here or there, I'm done with programs. Just me keeping my head above water, holding up the peace sign, the white flag, remembering people don't want to hear me, hanging on for my kids, doing right for them. No more no less.  That is my goal.


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