Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Only feelings today

I tried to write today but there were only feelings.  I tried to reach the feelings but every time I reached for them they moved further away.  If I turned around they would come upon me and stick to me so tight that I could no longer remove them. Hour after hour the feelings would surround me.  I would look back and as I turned around to look ahead the feelings were also on my front.  No words.  Just feelings consuming me today.  Feelings that made me look down in shame.  Feelings that brought tears.  Feelings that made me want to explain. Feelings that made me want to end my suffering.  Feelings that made me want to undo any suffering I ever caused. Anxiety tried to even wiggle it's way in today, but it didn't make much head way. Not just moments were lost within my feelings, but minutes, seconds, hours. in this case, it was an entire day. This was a day that I did not win. This was a day that the house got cleaner as I got sadder. It's one of those nights I decide if it is better for me to stay away all night so I don't have to wake up and relive the remembering the way I feel or if I go to sleep and once I wake up the feelings just start where they stopped when the last nightmare ended. 
That is my depression. 

No comments: