I can't believe I am going to share even a part of how I felt yesterday. All of my feelings at this point sit on a tiny point. Time goes on, well really hours not days or months. During this time, from the outside, life seems normal for me. I work hard for that. But always there is the constant balancing act going on inside. If one side goes to far, the work it takes to right it is very very challenging. It is exhausting and can set me back for hours, days sometime weeks depending.
Let's talk about yesterday. Triggers everywhere I turned. I was determined to be there for Laurie. I wanted to be a good girl and behave myself. But no, I could not. I could not behave myself like in almost every setting. I crumbled. Crying and crying, lightly, but still crying. People ignored me, as you can only imagine they should.
I needed to leave. I needed to run away. I went to the car. I smoked 2 cigarettes and I usually don't smoke. And then it happened. I wrote on myself again. I haven't for some time. "Invisible" is what I wrote. Because I feel unheard, unseen, forgotten. I hear others, right now yelling at me to grow up and get over myself. Just grow up. How old are you anyway? I see them rolling their eyes. Kind of even laughing at my stupidity.
I lose friends because of how needy,crazy, and stupid I am. I am 47 and one by one they turn their backs. If ever one more therapist challenges me that that is JUST MY PERCEPTION that will be my last day in therapy, I promise. My own husband doesn't want me at his work anymore. He is embarrassed of me. I talk too much. He has literally banned me from his job. Who can feel proud of oneself when there own husband thinks of you as an embarrassment. I have been called annoying to my face by people who I consider friends, and they are right, I have been told to go away by my children because they have to study, Friends don't call me to go out anymore. (ok that isn't all true Tanesha and Laurie) It's always me searching for someone. I am a fool. Of course I am too much. If I ever get a call or a chat to go out I am extremely nervous that this is the time they are going to say "Ya know Kirsten, we've been friends for a long time, but......"
So there it is 9 months after the depression set in. I step into a program that is to last a year. By the time 365 days are over I will by then have no one and will be starting from an empty slate.
I am sharing this with all of you in blog land and Facebook for one reason. The reason has absolutely nothing to do with me. The reason has to do with others that can be caught before there world looks like this in their heads. Before they find themselves burning a hole in there arm with a cigarette just to see if they are invisible or not. (at 47 what a joke)
"Start seeing hurting people" And as hard as it may be don't walk away from someone hurting even though they are impossible, at the the very least check in every now and again and let them know you love and care about them. Abandoning a hurting person is like kicking a wounded animal or slapping a crying child who has a big cut. Most of the hurting people DON'T want to feel the way they do. Seriously, They just want friends and fun and laughs. They want hugs and snuggles and good conversation. They want to feel useful and needed. They want to feel important. They have something to offer. They also want to help people in need too.
As for me, my boot straps are firmly placed in my hands as we speak and I am ready to pull myself up by them yet again. I have a family with many needs that I have to provide for. I have many animals that I am the only caregiver too. At this point if I don't have anything outside of this house it will be ok. I will make it somehow. I have for many years and will for quite a few more. I can only write from my perspective, but there are so many others who are out there right in front of your face that need you.
Just wanted you to know. K~