The more therapy I go through the more I hear "you must get rid of the toxic people/relationships in your life." For some reason, last night I realized that I am the toxic person. I am the one that others are getting rid of. I am the one that others are turning away from for THEIR own good. Many people have just left me like turning off a light switch since high school. Some told me I was no good and they could no longer be my friend, others just like one day friend other day not. Of course it hurt greatly and it changed my view of relationships and friendships. That's why as far as important stuff goes in my life I am a complete introvert and that's where I have been for 30 odd years. But for the longest time I looked at it the wrong way. I was like everyone is leaving me... i'm so hurt, boo hoo, when in fact, I must have been doing the hurting. The evil towards them. The clinging. The too much. The inappropriate. I AM THE TOXIC PERSON!!! I say to these people in all seriousness "Wow you are brave. You can just turn from a "friend", walk away and wash your hands of that toxic person." I know it probably was hard at first. Toxic people linger, and boy now that I know I am one of them it is like the full sun is shining right on me and I have nothing I can hide. I talk and chat/text too much. I connect too much. I need too much. I want too much. I am too much. I am a chronic good byer. I know I am bad for people. I don't even have to sense it, I know it.
I am fun to be with for a very short time. I laugh, tell stories and love to hear a good story. I love good conversation. I love serious conversation. I love people. I love to get to know them and learn where they are from and their life stories. I love to sit in silence and just be with them. I do actually, I really do. But there is never time anymore. I am always there for people. I love to help if I am needed. But far too many times, actually most of the time i am SO EXCITED that someone reached out for me, ME, that I get so happy and excited that I smother the person and the toxic part of me takes over before I know it. I don't give myself the chance to show the person that I am a very good listener, that I am kind and compassionate, that I am not selfish, that I am so very very loyal.
The problem is, I can't do those things. I am toxic. I am the one you want to stay away from. It's funny what I don't realize that has been in me my whole life. Hmmm. Sorry to those I have been toxic to all they way back to high school. I would like another try to show any of you that I can be kind and listen. Someday maybe, someday. K~
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