I have been aware of the months ticking by. I have felt every morning as I wake up. Not one has been blown off and has not come with deep feelings. I am also aware of the advice and words that have come to me through out these so may months. The one common theme I hear has been mostly "Move on. It's time."
Well I will try to put "Move on. It's time." in perspective. It may seem obvious that I would want to move on right now and forget about the last 10 months. I am extremely sick of how I feel. It, however, is challenging for me to even understand, let alone move on from depression. So, I ask myself, why am I being asked to move on from depression? Would I not if I could? Maybe there is something about depression that I don't know and one of theses so many pills will eventually show me the answer. Most certainly it's the pitty party for one I am holding over here. At first people were concerned but now it's just annoying. I get it. But the following is my reality and my perspective. No one else's. So here goes.
I started a DBT program (again, this will be my 4th with a partial hospitalization and day program thrown in there too)) roughly 5 to 6 weeks ago. Last week I just signed some "contractual paperwork" to officially begin the DBT therapy. My DBT Therapist said to me that at this point in my therapy we are working on keeping me safe and alive. The DBT program will come soon. My new medication is for SI and SIB. If you don't know what it is, it is for Suicidal Ideations and Self-Injurious Behavior. This medication has seemed to work, but the side affects made me dizzy and sleepy and unsafe to drive for a couple of weeks. The side affects have worn off a bit and I should be able to start driving soon.
Depression is as individual as the person who has it. I believe this common knowledge. There is no time that can be assigned to healing. So that brings me back to the "Move on. It's time". I even had that belief, especially when I was in partial hospitalization. I was like who are these people leaving they are still ill but when it was time for me to go, I understood. I felt much better. I was fragile but with skills. But when my after care was not handled correctly by professionals that you are sent to, one can soon collapse into ones depression really quickly and that is what happened to me. It happened over one weekend.
I think there is a time limit to healing. What I mean by this is, there is a time limit for caring. Friends and Family are only in it for a very short time before I exhaust time and it becomes old news. I have experienced this quite a bit in the last 10 months. Saying you are going to be there for someone and actually being there for someone is HUGE in anxiety and depression, at least for me. A time limit. That's silly. How can one put a limit on healing the human brain. Our bodies are such a mystery that when one talks about unexplored worlds we just need to look into a mirror. Everyday scientists and doctors are finding out new things about the human body, let alone the zillion animals that fill our rich planet. Our brains touch our physical body. Get out of bed. Don't get pit of bed. Say hi to that person. You better not. Move fast. Move slow. Eat. Food? My arm hurts. I don't remember hurting it. My leg doesn't feel right. I have a buzzing in my entire head. Who said that. I better check. Whose to say move on and proceed as normal? Am I suppose to bring that group of mumbling talking women with occasional children outside my wall, with me to the grocery store? Should I adjust the volume on the care radio to drown out the squealing in my ears? I guess so.
I guess at least I am able to say, that I know now Finally, and I know it took too long but i was busy being overwhelmingly sad, it is now time to let free this topic of depression. I my post here and there but nothing like before. If you feel sad, get heard. someone out thete cares about you. k~
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