Friday, January 30, 2015

a life worth living

For those of you following my journey through this horrible thing called depression, I suppose I could update a bit about how my progress is going.  You know each persons journey is so different. Each person has a set of triggers that can move them emotionally one way or another.

My journey has been a very long one and it appears there is no end in sight at least for now.  But one good thing that has developed, is that I can count now, on one hand the few things I wish I could heal.  Or make amends or something.  But others hold those cards.  Those few things I need to set aside as yet again, in some way, things I have touched and destroyed.  That pain of holding onto my pain of being so awful to others and never ever intending it is something that follows me.

I have a personality that should be bottled and opened only ever so often and some put in a tiny little glass on rare moments, perhaps for some good entertainment. 

I know I mentioned before that last year was perhaps worse than my high school years, which by the way I never ever thought I would have to live that nightmare ever again.  But through therapy I am learning to be safe with myself. I am learning to do many things. 

This week I am working on "A Life Worth Living". Because right now I just don't see it.  Thanks to medication and a lot of support from Rick, my suicidal tendencies are far far apart and happen less and less.  Mostly I wish to disappear.  I long to fade away and/or finally go to that cabin in the woods with of course all my animals and art stuff.  I want to sit on the porch in a rocker, throwing out seeds to all the little critters that scurry about.  I'd be able to communicate only by computer, but not all the time.  I'd order what I might need for a long enclosed winter or for a project I would be working on.  The supply truck would come out to me like every month or two to bring me stuff and take stuff out like packages.  But there I would sit with my 2 Very large dogs and my zoo. Hours, Days and Weeks would go by.  It wouldn't matter.  This would be my life. Finally after all these years of feeling alone, I would be alone by choice.  I would be where I belong. I would have what I need and That's just enough. I would have my loving children and husband to communicate with and see every so often when they visited. And Rick, he would finish work.  If he chooses to follow me up here that would be awesome.  If he chooses a new life in the big city, the world is his to choose from.  He desires His Life too.  So for my homework, that is it. I think right now before I start to brainstorm and dig in, what I described is a lift worth living to me.  Kind of safe and out of the way, but no one gets hurt by me. No one needs to worry about getting together,  I am safe. K~

oh.. and of course there will be bison!!

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