Friday, January 23, 2015

Some times it doesn't add up.

      The directions don't seem to match the pieces.  We are missing an important piece to the puzzle.  Oh wow, that color looks nothing like it did in the store.  That is much like my confusion is like.

I spend a lot of time in confusion these days. I pray most of it is my medication, but we will not know this until I go off of some of them, and at this point they are adding and not subtracting.

One of my restrictions I put on myself is highway/freeway driving.  I get too confused when I drive on long stretches of roads.  It isn't smart. On our trip back from Arizona I drove the freeway for an hour or so.  It was a ride I must say.  Rick wanted to rest, and I don't think anyone rested at all.  Rick just took over the driving after that.  It would be one thing if I was reading a book, cross stitching, or drawing at the same time.  Nope just me and my brain thinking maybe this lane... no that lane.

Another restriction I have for myself is actually going anywhere.  At this point I am done with most of my obligations with people.  All I have left is Dr. appointments for me or children, the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center, and June Clever chores (shopping and homemaking)

I have been skillful with my DBT class and my DBT therapist.   I have been able to get through some deeply seated emotional times with skills and coaching calls.  It is actually stunning to me  how long it has been since I have been under this awful cruse. Mid - February it will have been a year. Honestly, I know what started it but exactly when and how it happened I don't know.  It has been a long road and I am somewhere between staying alive and moving a few steps forward and staying safe day to day.  I like the progress I have made albeit so very very slow.  Sometimes I hear my old humor coming through. especially when I feel comfortable, like at WRC. The animals make me so so happy.  I just love all their little antics. Our crew is great too.

So my next step is to get away for a long while unplugged. I am looking for a destination for a 1 to 2 month sabbatical.  It's odd for a stay at home mom to consider taking a sabbatical, but I am.  And so we are back to the sometimes it doesn't add up. More on the sabbatical search to come.  But the research has begun.  k~

Gene Estrada, perched in the limbs of a mid-sized tree, during tree-climbing lessons as a part of a field course. Later he would summit an emergent tree, nearly 30 m tall, once his training is complete. Photo credit: Gideon Erkenswick Watsa

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