I was having a very productive day. I found DBT challenging. We are in the Emotion Mind section and this section is just not a place I want to hang out in. But for the most part I think I understood the lecture and the homework assignment and I felt like " Ya, I can do this."
After class I proceeded to the pet store and picked up crickets for my beardies and crickets for my long tailed and anole. OK seriously, I couldn't even see the pin head crickets. It was like I was dumping a bag of air in the small lizard habitat.
Off to Walgreen's to pick up more medications. That actually went without a hitch. I lingered in the office supply aisle fantasizing about what I could buy and how I could use it. Where I would put it and so on. Then my name is called and it was time to go home.
No time for down time, it was off to another meeting. I was waiting for Rick because I can't drive the freeway and he was going too, with in minutes of Rick getting home my mood had plummeted. It was at an 8 and then and still now I am at around a 2. (Using a scale of 1-10, 1 being worst to 10 being the best ever!)
Why did it plunder? Well in the course of 20 minutes I noticed that Rick was not feeling well and that bothered me because he works so hard and is very behind at work because of me. When I asked him about something that I thought was positive he saw as a blow off, the next time I looked at it I think he was right, now I am teary eyed. He is only home this early and missing vital time from work because it is dangerous for me to drive with certain medication, otherwise he would have gotten in about and extra 45 minutes that he needs badly. On the way to our appointment he told me I need to get a job at least by spring. He told me I was well enough to stop being so dependent on him. That is why he is pulling away from me so much.
So there I sat not necessarily disagreeing with him. Me and my 21 meds, my serious confusion, me not seeing much of an improvement, me in my chosen loneliness, told by my husband that the time for my depression is over. It is time for me to move forward. It is time to forget about the depression.
It is so sad. I thought I could get better from this. But apparently I wont. I will just know that what so many have told me over this year, move on, get over it, your depressed because you don't try and get better. Only you can make yourself better. Well that one isn't true. Apparently, someone can just tell you, well that's it, times up, Guess you're better. k~
**Again: This is only my interpretations of what Rick said. According to Rick he never said anything of the kind.
2 comments:
I think you are finding out that 'getting better' is a day-to-day journey, and most certainly not a straight line. This is your life, Kirst, not a hospital drama on TV. The answer to how you are doing will not be wrapped up and solved within the hour in a tidy manner :) Please try to honor 'what Rick really said' with respect for the fact that everyone DOES interpret things differently. I hope you have a good day today! You are moving forward, and it's okay to have moments that feel like you're not :) love ya.
Thanks Bob. I am moving forward. I feel stronger in some skills but my "life" plan is I feel I have chosen is more of an adapting to reality than helping me heal. My plan is to just literally stay home for now except my 2 weekly appts and WRC. It is the wrong direction but I need to be alone to think about what is happening around me. It is too complicated to get into.
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