I hate to admit it and I don't think most people would enjoy saying it either but here goes, I'm a hypocritical person. The almost year I have spent in deep depression has made me realize that I have spent not just this year in a tug of war with my reality and perceived reality, my past and my present, but also I have been asked for advise along the way.
For some reason people ask me what they should do in this situation and in that situation. People have also expressed to me that they think I am strong and how does a person get that way. People say I am tough and I have always stuck up for the underdog and that's admirable.
But this is where my hypocrisy comes shining through. First I would like to lay some ground rules so I don't come out looking like I feel ( that's progress on healing, hu?) Since high school people for the major most part came to me and asked me questions on what to do about this relationship issue, what about THAT boy, family problems, etc. etc. Funny thing, I never had a boyfriend in high school or ever until college, I suffered all through high school and I told know one from my mouth what was happening, Frankly I had no experience except what I wish someone would notice and talked to me.
ALL I HAD WAS THE EXPERIENCE I HAD TO DRAW FROM: SEE ME, NO LOOK AT ME, SEE MY PAIN, MY LONELINESS, MY LONGING TO GO WITH YOU OUT FOR A MOVIE AND PIZZA, THE PROM JUST ONCE. JUST SEE ME.
that is what I wish someone would do for me, so I did it right back to anyone who approached me with something or I knew had approached me. I was their for them. I got them to the point of laughing and let them know that I am always there for them for what that was worth. I always gave both sides of the issue the benefit of the doubt. I tried to be fair. I tried to look at anger as need and crying as relief and sometimes a thank you.
Why am I hypocritically speaking? Well last year, there was a couple times may be 3 or 4 times I opened myself up and showed my deep vulnerability to people. I shared things I had never shared. I explained to each of them on separate unrelated occasions what my biggest fears were and what would break my heart the most, what I fear I may never recover from and low and behold a few of them did just what I told them would hurt me the most. It was confusing to be encouraged to share like your in a safe haven and then find out the walls were fake and none of the caring part was real.
So you may wonder about the title. With all of my medication and my confusion and my conditions I am getting better very slowly. Most of what I say feels hypocritical. I know what I say works. I have seen results from people I have met along the year journey. Some have helped me. But I still have a few people asking me questions about things and now if any advise is given from me it is most definitely hypocritical just like high school. Because like back in high school I don't have any of those happy things and advise to really hand out. I just know in my head they work. k~