Sunday, May 31, 2015

An Itty Bitty transition

Well maybe more like a small phoenix rising from the ashes.  So not so itty bitty.

At the beginning of March 2015 my husband met with an individual asking and for the last time pleading with them to just meet with me.  This individual was the major character other than myself keeping me stuck. I was stuck in a position on a fence, frozen unable to move one direction or the other.  This is where I have been for at least a year.  It has been an ugly hateful fence, filled with shame, guilt, sadness, confusion, depression, anxiety and the list goes on and on.  This individual decided for themselves what was best for me and slammed a door shut and moved on. They never really looked back to see or care the damage that was done.  Certainly I was in a very bad way independent from them as I said before, and this individual just made sure I was speared to the floor of this awful place, never to get up, and move on.

So back to now.  When my husband pleaded with this individual pleaded for them to meet with me, they said "Yes, When, not if but when I do meet with her.........."so they did say they would, right? and the last thing my husband said was "Don't wait until June 1st.  That would just be way to long." Well what is tomorrow?

So for the last month I have been observing the day approaching.  The first half of May was, oh please oh please, oh please contact me and pull your head out of your ass. The second half I slipped into wise mind (a DBT term) and simply stopped counting the days except I did focus on the June 1st, I will admit.  As the last few days have gone by.  I have been anxious,  not a hopeful anxious, but an anxious of well this is it. it has been a year and I know I am a grown woman, but respectful resolve is not going to happen.  Sometimes evil is not me. Sometimes evil lurks where you don't think it could. 

Do I have plans for the day? One to distract myself? Yes, many plans, not because I need to keep busy so I don't fixate on the time turning to June 1st, although I kind of do, but because I am legitimately busy. I am going to work with Rick so I can spend time with him all day.  I have DBT homework.  I have 3 crochet projects I would like to finish, and then there is my art. 

So as of June 1st. That nightmare is tucked away and is no more.  If that individual is reading this and they can,  there is I am sure a HUGE sigh of relief and they can move on with obviously a guilt free life which they have been for a year already, duh!!!   I can move on an create my new normal.  

Here's to a new normal and some people suck and some people don't.  It's not all or none :)



Bobbi said...

I made a big ole comment earlier, but it did not save for some reason.

I will be thinking about you tomorrow, and hoping for an 'ordinary' day - because that is what this person owes you, the ability to forget and heal and move forward, knowing that you are stronger than you were before.

So happy we had a chance to talk and catch up last week!

K~ said...

i really liked our talk too. maybe i can use the phone...