One of the most challenging steps to live a dialectic behavioral life is to give in and believe yourself a wreck and know that you need to rework most of yourself. I find myself very tired all the time. It's hard work to work on oneself for over a year and a half.
There is a song that I listen too. The words are amazing and quite uplifting. I think it's time for me to work on my brain pain. As I care for each pain with Fibromyalgia and really ignore the diagnosis. The diagnosis of Fibromyalgia makes me ashamed. It is extremely real to me. I live it every day but to most others it isn't very real. It is mostly unexplained traveling pain. It hurts however, quite bad I might add. Others, quite a few, don't believe in it. Many have questioned its validity to my face. So I usually just mumble it or leave the diagnosis out when speaking to intake nurses or doctors. This is how I am beginning to react to BPD. I get each symptom taken care of. There is no pill for BPD. There are pills for voices, visions, ruminations, perseverations, depression, anxiety, pain, etc. but none for BPD. I am ashamed of the diagnosis. I didn't know, at the beginning that I was supposed to be ashamed BPD. Here on this very venue I am typing away, telling everyone that I have this illness, and the longer I go on the more I find out, people don't want to know about "it". I didn't know that people thought it was either not real or the diagnosis was disgusting.
Someone very wise told me it's just a name or title, it's not all of you. True.
Rick said "I've never seen a more accurate description of you in writing... ever, barring a few symptoms. You've been this way as long as I've known you." Super great, but accurate and true.
Any way you slice it, I have them both and they aren't going away.
So back to the song, Cora's boyfriend Dylan shared this song with me. I have been a Tim Minchin fan, but had not heard this one. Once I did, I feel I had heard EXACTLY what I had been feeling and trying to express all along. I hope you get the heartfelt meaning behind this. It is truly amazing. And you know I don't know his biography, but it comes from someone who's been there, I guarantee it. Words like this can't be strung together with shallow intent. k~
It's not perfect but it's mine by Tim Minchin
This is my Earth
And I live in it
It's one third dirt and two thirds water
And it rotates and revolves through space
At rather an impressive pace
And never even messes up my hair
And here's the really weird thing
The force created by it's spin
Is the force that stops the chaos flooding in
This is my Earth
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect, but it's mine
It's not perfect
This is my country
And I live in it
It's pretty big and nice to walk on
And the bloke who runs my country
Has built a demagoguery
And taught us to be fearful and boring
And the weirdest thing is that he is
Conservative of politics
But really rather radical of eyebrows
This is my country
And it's fine
It's where I spend a vast majority of my time
It's not perfect, but it's mine
It's not perfect
This is my house
And I live in it
It's made of cracks and photographs
We rent it off a guy who bought it from a guy
Who bought it from a guy
Whose granddad left it to him
And the weirdest thing is that this house
Has locks to keep the baddies out
But they're mostly used to lock ourselves in
This is my house
And it's fine
It's where I spend a vast majority of my time
It's not perfect, but it's mine
It's not perfect, but it's mine
This is my body
And I live in it
It's thirty-one and six months old
It's changed a lot since it was new
It's done stuff it wasn't built to do
I often try to fill it up with wine
And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me
This is my body
And it's fine
It's where I spend a vast majority of my time
It's not perfect, but it's mine
It's not perfect
This is my brain
And I live in it
It's made of love and bad song lyrics
It's tucked away behind my eyes
Where all my screwed up thoughts can hide
Cause God forbid I hurt somebody
And the weird thing about a mind
Is that every answer that I find
Is the basis of a brand new cliché
This is my brain
And it's fine
It's where I spend a vast majority of my time
It's not perfect, but it's mine
It's not perfect, but it's mine
It's not perfect
I'm not quite sure I've worked out how to work it
It's not perfect, but it's mine
But it's mine
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