Sunday, June 28, 2015

Gull Lake wrap up / what I learned

Our annual trip to Gull Lake has come to an end.  We had a very nice time.  The kids just love playing with their cousins.  It really was lovely.

Usually I don't have "goal" on a vacation.  But one thing I needed was to calmly open my mind to healing possibilities. I knew I had a huge hurdle to jump before any of that could happen and I put on my big girl pants and did it. I needed to make a phone call to the one person I felt could help me out through some of my healing.  I was extremely unskillful and for that, I am sorry.  I talked over that person quite a bit.  But when I asked, no pleaded for them to help me, they said no.  They, one of the people that could help, a lot, said to me no I will not help you.  It felt painful, heart wrenching, confusing and many other feelings. One thing that happened was that with in 24 hours after having a much needed conversation and then another with one more person, pieces started to fall into place.  Lies started to appear.  And to shorten an extremely long and devastating piece of my mental health decline, I actually caught someone in a pivotal lie.  One that involved my life, my well being, my getting better, my moving forward into wellness. I heard the lies that had created the anchor attached to my ankle. The one that tied me to the bottom of the pit.

Yesterday was the first day I have felt just a slight lilt in my step. I had a smile on my face now and again, I laughed once or twice.  I was present.  I am the Huge part of my own problems. There is so much stuff to dig through that it will be a while before I feel safe to be me out in the open. But when I was on the phone and showed my most vulnerable side to this someone and said I really truly needed their help, they said no I won't help you. It was stunning, overwhelming and saddening.

I am not the only one that created my cage or bricks and slim in my well.  Others happily placed them at their on convenience and for their own pleasure.  It was fun for them to see me crumble. I wonder how much fun it will be for them to see me rise out of the pit I have so long been trapped in.  It will happen.  Now that I know they blame me for it all in their sick way. They can "save the country" but not a person.  They can lie and manipulate someone who was so excited for a true friendship and got sicker and no friendship because I was too much and considered a stalker.  This week I will not be surprised if a no contact order comes to Rick and I.  Ironically I  don't think I will be stalking this person anytime soon.

So a long ramble about what I came up with on my vacation, I am really proud of myself for taking that leap of reaching out for help where I felt help was.  I am really proud of making another phone call for checking the facts, even though I fear the facts were scripted and not so factual.  It was what the person told me.

I finished my painting and I finished a small watercolor.  I got some great marbles.  I also got some other wonderful shopping in.  It was super nice time with Rick.  Just a nice time. I'd say in my condition it was a great time.  I loved being with my kids and see them actually get along for most of the time.  Bing was a barking dog at a cabin.  Rick and I did some snuggling and he and I did some sorta fishing.  It was nice.

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