Thursday, July 09, 2015

Whoop.... I let is slip.... I didn't know...

Borderline Personality Disorder

I am living under a cloud of regret.  It's not so much a depression, but a true regret in sharing my diagnosis.  I had no idea that what I was being diagnosed with was so hideous.  For someone who has cared about what people think about her, my entire life, THIS was not something that I should have let out to the public.  I have been told that it is just a label and I am the same person before the diagnosis as I am after,  But this time it isn't quite true.  I am suffering from depression (yes still) medically and emotionally. Where as, before the diagnosis I was JUST suffering from depression.  I have read article after article from very good sources about BPD regarding the dislike of a person with this diagnosis.  It has been confirmed over and over again. We are toxic humans.  WOW!  wow... I didn't know that.  wow. I have lost friends. since the diagnosis. I'm not cuddly, I am losing myself.  It has been hard to explain. So I am going to stop explaining it.  It is just an awful, terrible label to live with and to know that this has been me maybe even forever. It makes me what to just crawl right out of my skin. Apologize to everyone I know and run away. This IS a real thing and it in no way draws any empathy of any kind from those around you.  I am sorry for those who are receiving this diagnosis today or have had to deal with this for a long time. I wish I had know then what I know now.  I would have NEVER shared my label, that's for sure.  It's super lonely in here. It's icky in here. And for the first time in my life when I directly asked for someones help I was told "no, I won't help you" if that shows how this label, diagnosis, personality, does not draw sympathy from others I don't know what will. People who know your label forget you have anything else like depression too or anxiety they just see trouble.  Keep it in the shadows. Don't let it out. Borderline Personality Disorder is not embraced by society like alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. It is even lower. k~

1 comment:

Bobbi said...

I think that it seems different because our personalities are so formative in shaping us as a person. Kirst, I wish I could help in some way. I know there is no way to know exactly what you are experiencing, but it does sound hellish. I know you are not a label, but the label itself is hurtful. I wish I could take it away, or in some way bear the burden of carrying this with you. I love you. You mean something to this world, and I'm glad you are in it. Watching you suffer is hard.