Recently, there have been suicidal triggers going on around me. I often think of my friend Steve who held it together for so long. He was just a breath of sunshine. His smile warmed any room. But he suffered so, emotionally and physically. Then there were those ladies that had jumped off the high bridge. The one that was at the end of August was an elementary friend of my sons. We are very sad as a family. We didn't keep close once David left that school, but she still brought joy to us. One of our favorite family sayings is from her "I played baseball, I was good" We'll miss you.
Throughout my 18 month bout with depression and diagnosis of BPD I have suffered from suicidal ideations and self injurious thinking off and on and it comes and goes still. I guess I had been in this frame of mind in June and just recently. In June I found myself at the very very end of my rope. I was overwhelmed with the way things were not working out with me, that certain relationships were a disaster, I felt I was being blamed for things exclusively that were not completely my fault. I was being told how things were going to be. I was given the cold shoulder for so long and no way of speaking to the right person so I could understand what was going on around me. Choices were being made about me and for me. On my own in my depressive condition, I would just talk myself into telling myself I was a terrible person and there was no way of making things right. At the very last end of my rope, I reached out. Was I skillful NO. But at least I tried as best as I could to get some facts and some help. I asked the person if they would help me. The answer.. NO.
It's a detailed story why I would reach out to certain people, and that will not be shared here. Believe me, at such desperate times in the life of someone who has depression, suicidal ideations, and a huge sense of abandonment, it is normal to reach out to those that you may have wronged for forgiveness, or you may reach out to those who have felt that low before for real understanding.
The irony of the entire story... I just wanted to be friends. Just friends.
So what am I trying to say in this Blog? What is this message about? Well it's not just me spewing my own feeling everywhere. It is a lesson of mistakes and forgiveness, keeping up a give and take relationship no matter how shallow or deep the relationship is and don't overlook things that have been laid right in front of you . Life is short. It moves quickly. But moments can be long and meaningful if you give them the time they deserve. Take the time a relationship needs to build. But never ever be afraid to step over lines when it comes to someones life. Pick up the phone, listen, remind them that they are loved. You see, it is not healthy for you to surround yourself with sick people. It is not healthy to keep up toxic friendships. What is important to remember, however, is that if you were hanging on the edge of the bridge, would you want someone to care? Would you have wanted someone to care before you walk to the bridge? Think to yourself how much courage it took for that person to actually pick up the phone or text you when they hate themselves and "know" you loath them and then ask for help from you. Think about how impossible that would be. Could you do that now when you are feeling fine? Think about it when you are ill, very ill. Suicide is forever. And even to the person who wants it SO BAD, it may make no sense at all. So try and reflect on the times you may have not had time for a friend that just needed a shoulder. Ultimately it is their choice to die. If they do kill themselves by themselves it is their responsibility. But I know first hand that help can be given when people treat others like people. Everyone has flaws but I think everyone wants to be loved and wants to belong. Some people need more than one chance, sometimes 2,3,4 but the one thing is for sure, they deserve to live. k~