An Itty Bitty transition

Well maybe more like a small phoenix rising from the ashes.  So not so itty bitty.

At the beginning of March 2015 my husband met with an individual asking and for the last time pleading with them to just meet with me.  This individual was the major character other than myself keeping me stuck. I was stuck in a position on a fence, frozen unable to move one direction or the other.  This is where I have been for at least a year.  It has been an ugly hateful fence, filled with shame, guilt, sadness, confusion, depression, anxiety and the list goes on and on.  This individual decided for themselves what was best for me and slammed a door shut and moved on. They never really looked back to see or care the damage that was done.  Certainly I was in a very bad way independent from them as I said before, and this individual just made sure I was speared to the floor of this awful place, never to get up, and move on.

So back to now.  When my husband pleaded with this individual pleaded for them to meet with me, they said "Yes, When, not if but when I do meet with her.........."so they did say they would, right? and the last thing my husband said was "Don't wait until June 1st.  That would just be way to long." Well what is tomorrow?

So for the last month I have been observing the day approaching.  The first half of May was, oh please oh please, oh please contact me and pull your head out of your ass. The second half I slipped into wise mind (a DBT term) and simply stopped counting the days except I did focus on the June 1st, I will admit.  As the last few days have gone by.  I have been anxious,  not a hopeful anxious, but an anxious of well this is it. it has been a year and I know I am a grown woman, but respectful resolve is not going to happen.  Sometimes evil is not me. Sometimes evil lurks where you don't think it could. 

Do I have plans for the day? One to distract myself? Yes, many plans, not because I need to keep busy so I don't fixate on the time turning to June 1st, although I kind of do, but because I am legitimately busy. I am going to work with Rick so I can spend time with him all day.  I have DBT homework.  I have 3 crochet projects I would like to finish, and then there is my art. 

So as of June 1st. That nightmare is tucked away and is no more.  If that individual is reading this and they can,  there is I am sure a HUGE sigh of relief and they can move on with obviously a guilt free life which they have been for a year already, duh!!!   I can move on an create my new normal.  

Here's to a new normal and some people suck and some people don't.  It's not all or none :)

 

Somewhere in the shadow

As of late, I feel I am somewhere in the shadow.  I feel like I am in that place in the darkness that if you move ever so slightly, a part of you might show.  At moments I feel a sense of comfort there. Other moments I feel scared and long for someone to find me.  Normally when I think of being in a shadow I think of them being silent. Something like walking into a sound booth of some kind.  But for me life is never quiet, not even in the shadow.  I have a constant high pitch squeal that has not let up for years. Sometimes it is louder than others, but loud would always be in it's description.

The other day my psychiatrist put me on a medication that takes strange voices and creepy visions away.  Even the medication doesn't help the squeal go away.

So hear I stand in the shadow with my squealing ears and my racing brain, watching life go by, wasting minutes of valuable life.  Watching. Waiting. Wondering. Worrying.  Over what I couldn't possibly know.  Sometimes it's family. Well often it is family.  What will be come of them.  How will they thrive? Where will they go? Who will they meet? Sometimes it about my husband directly.  Will he ever seek out what he actually needs or deep down inside longs for.  Will true happiness come his way.  Will a wonderful wave of relaxation wash over him and he finds himself laughing and leaning back on a seat in a beautiful fishing boat, just enjoying the day.

I wait. My pain is mostly internal.  Much of which it was a year and a half ago.  December 2013 I never could have imagined what opportunities I would have and destroy so horribly and so quickly.  I don't get second chances.  Not the one for second chances.  I have stopped believing in them, many months ago.  If you were to watch me you would say I am a lier, but let me give you an analogy.

What I wait for in the darkened shadows, where I am just out of sight,  where I am filled with pain that it is like an anchor that does not allow me to move is gone for good.  It is fruitless to wait for. I wait for Joy.  Pure Joy.  I wait to actually look into someones eyes and really feel their love for me coming back at me filling me up with love.  I don't necessarily mean in a romantic way, I mean love, compassion. A love that with one look lets me know I am ok just as I am right now, Standing in the darkness of the shadow.

Some of you have seen me quite animated.  Some have seen me laugh. Some have seen me when I can not stop talking. Who is that you much wonder.  Well that is me too.  And that is where my Analogy begins.  When you go to capture an Anole (small lizard) with your hands most often it's tail ends up dropping off.  The tail can keep moving for up to 15 minutes after it is off the lizards body.  I have timed and videoed one for 13 minutes. That is me.  I am that tail.  I am animated.  Moving super fast at first and can last for quite a bit of time.  Then since I am not attached to anything alive, I slowly  run out of energy and my spirit falters,  I begin to slow down and eventually stop.  With no one around, I begin to curl one way and then the other.  Possibly I am seeking out someone, who knows.  Then I realize I am alone and it's ok to stop.  All the wiggling isn't going to get me help, It's not going to get me back on my body.  I am now independent.  Alone. In my shadow. I kind of feel safe there. It's kind of nice.

K~

If you say you are a friend then be a friend...please

Fear and pain can co exists.  With me they often do.  For the past year I have lived a life of contradictions.  Within my day to day I get phone calls, texts and personal contact with people who are struggling to just get through the day.  I know why they contact me. I know they contact me because I am always there to listen with two ears and one mouth.  I take care of their emotions first and help them calm down, and then quietly listen to their pain.  Some pour out as literally tears some pour out in words typed on a phone. But I feel their pain just the same.  After there is a lull, I ask them if they want anything from me except a sounding board and if they do, I try and recount what I have heard.  Truly most of what I hear through all the words and pain is, I want someone to see me and notice I am in pain.  I want my pain to go away.  I don't want to hate myself.  Why do I keep falling down.  After a long time with fear and pain I feel blessed. It seems as if it's the only feeling I can express when these types of transactions occur, and they happen at least a couple times a week for me.

In my situation, I take it just slightly different.  In my life I have been told I talk to much.   I was raised in a family where we were seen and not heard. In first grade a teacher actually put tape across my mouth.  As I grew up in public school I chattered like a magpie because I could.  In 10th grade everything changed for me and roles were reversed and I now needed to be strong for everyone.  No one at school knew how bad I really had it. That was on purpose.  I chattered still but never about important things.  They might have even seemed important.

My college years were tumultuous at best.  My first year included a rape that I ignored, hid,  and buried. One person knew, and I didn't take his advise to seek medical help.

I was intensely stalked  by one man that was my supervisor at my day job. He follow me home to Cambridge. He thought we were going out.  He, I guess, got me this over night cleaning job.  He would find me on an empty floor of a huge office building and surprise me, I mean scare me out of my mind.  I called the police many times during this time and asked for help.  I was very afraid.  He was much bigger then I was.  They said they can do nothing unless he touches me.  Finally the management of the building found out he was doing this, and it didn't come from me.  They had him arrested.  The police made me go to the squad car where he was hand cuffed and sitting and said out loud " Is this the man that has been coming here at nights to see you and bother you" and I barely said yes" and the police officer said "louder miss", and I said "yes" and they took him away.  He, I am sure to this day, does not know I never called the police on him.

Someone may say "Oh Kirsten, that was so far in the past." Move on.  But when there are still relationships that have such wonderful promise, for say 4 weeks to be generous, and it starts as such a giving relationship. But then the one party who started the whole thing with a promise of friendship. (you know what that is to me, a real friendship??? It's like the best gift I would have ever gotten) decides you know...I have gotten all I need here, I'm done, she's nuts and boy does she go on and on, and guess what I thought I liked her but I don't ....hu. I really don't.  Her work here is done. Good bye. Click. And I sincerely never hear another genuine word from them in a year.  That is extremely painful.  Amazing stick-to-it-iveness never ever ever looking back, bribed me with friendship, and never gave me one.

So I have sat here like an idiot waiting for that friendship that will never come.  Through the grapevine found out that I am referred to as a "stalker" in a very small circle. So now I am a stalker too.

This is how healing DOES NOT occur quickly.  I think this is how people turn "weird."  I think this is how you see those people digging out of garbage cans and live on the street.  I can totally imagine myself there. Anyone I speak to, I keep my distance.  I try so so hard to keep my distance.  I remember 2 ears 1 mouth.  I am with them for their needs. It may be flawed thinking, but it is real and a safety net for me.   You see, If I am "too much", "good for only a few jollies", "easily thrown in the garbage", "never thought of again, except like trash", "and like a stalker" AND "100% guilty, even though I didn't start it but was bribed by a friendship" I am not going to go out there.  I am not going to make a friend.  I am going to be leery of my current friends. I don't want to do that to them. This is how someone slowly goes crazy. They (or I) go crazy because people need people. They need closeness and bonding. They need to feel comfortable to talk to someone without feeling worried, guilty, ashamed,  A friend.

In conclusion, I am very ill right now, I am not going to use it as a crutch. I am going to accept it as my lifestyle.  It is who I am, It is who I have been since 1982. And if I stay away from people I wont hurt them.  I just had to explain.  Because most of you who read my blog, I fear you feel left in the dark as to what is going on with me. But I can't speak in details because it would be to revealing and hurtful for the other party involved and that I don't want. I am working extremely hard to move forward. Forward is a awkward movement.  Someday I may break free. I really might. I have hurt people a long my 47 year journey. I have taken blame for other people because I care for that other persons situation. All the stuff that some of you have probably lived through.

If you ever see a disheveled looking lady hanging around a park and digging in garbage cans with a chicken and a bearded dragon that will probably be me.  But by that point I will be happy.

And just for the record: I think I would have been a good friend. I think I would have been fun. I think I would have had a lot of exciting weird stories to tell about my travels and just life working and living with wild animals.  I think I would have been a good listener of stories.  I think I would have been a real good friend.  But those days have waned and are kind of gone now.  k~

Should, would, could

I am pretty sure most of us can relate to that question. Should have, would have, could have, all day long for me some times.  That doesn't get me very far.  I also think that those of us that use these words and think this way kind of get in a ritualistic habit of using them to beat ourselves up.  We get so good at using these words we can us them in one fell swoop.

"Man, I should have thought the entire thing through much more carefully. Then I would have enjoyed things while they lasted. Instead, I ruined everything, to think of what I could have had. Sigh."

I am learning to rework the way my mind thinks in DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy).  I am trying to replace/remove should have, would have, could have, with far less judgmental thinking. Judgmental thinking? all day and night just about myself, that's it, everyone else, for the most part, is off limits. My philosophy is that it isn't my place to judge others, I have no idea the life they have lived, but I know me.

So along with all my other quests I seem to be on, I am going to add this one trek to the journey.

I have things to do and paths to take. This little example is only representing myself healing from judgmental stances against myself.

k~

acceptance?

Something that I have been told frequently is that "I am not my diagnosis".  I have been thinking about this for of course quite some time.  Usually when I bring up my contradictory opinion regarding this, I get much resistance.  I am told "You are NOT your diagnosis."  For a bit, I agreed.  I thought, ya...I am not.  I am an entire person with a lot to add to society.  

But it didn't sit well with me. Tonight, I started to think about it differently.  When a person has a physical illness, they are not that illness or diagnosis alone, they are a whole person that happens to have a particular diagnosis of an illness.  When it happens to be a mental diagnosis, I think it needs to looked at a bit differently.  Ones personality is formed in the mind.  Ones personality is created in the brain.  Ones memories are kept in the brain.  Ones learning happens in the brain.  Who you are is who your brain is.  So that makes me:

What a fun bag for tricks... Hu? k~

The beginnings

So.... after my big blog a while back about Silent mental illness, I am sure to some, it rang in as a "poor me", "I am pathetic", I just want that junior high answer of "oh no you're not crazy or fat or ugly" you know the comments, that type of blog post.  Actually, I apologize if it came across that way.  Rick and I go in rounds about my Blog.  Ever since I have been writing it, he hasn't read it, but he does have strong opinions on it. He edits for me sometimes so I guess in some capacity he has read it in a choppy sort of way.   He actually hates my blog.  Those words came right from his mouth.  Not to say he's wrong.  I just sometimes like an editor and he's it.  I guess I just need to edit it myself and put it out there to be scrutinized by the masses of 2 or 3 :)

There were 3 reasons for my blog posts. The first is to let everyone know that we are a 100% silent mental illness family. The second is to let anyone reading this to know I have some "street cred" when it comes to the Mind and how it works in the world around us. And thirdly, I like to post about my day to day life in my chaotic home of many many animals, plants and minerals, with 5 people that have "special needs".  It is usually never boring around here.   

Before our first born, I was working with about 18 people for 6 hours a day in an assisted living home.  These 18 people had dementia to some degree or another.  I was the "teacher", and this was "school".  I hope that helps paint a picture of how far along in their dementia they were. It was improv every day! I loved it, and I loved them.  I loved to help them, entertain them, learn something new from them, and share in their journey.  I felt privileged to be a part of their lives, every day. 

So that is what began my journey of looking more closely into Silent mental illness. If you were to walk in the room at almost any given time, our group would look like several people just sitting around a table listening to what was going on in the world that day while I read the paper.  

My advocacy had begun there in that assisted living facility.  I needed to often advocate for my residents to the non afflicted residents, shall we say.  Some of the non afflicted residents would not share an elevator with those who had dementia, because they were too afraid that dementia was contagious. Many times we would patiently explain that that was not the case, but they would leave the elevator anyway.  It made for very hard feelings. I had no idea how much a part of my life advocacy would become.

'I have learned so much these 17 years, well, kind of 19 years, about explaining what is happening, what someone may need, what goes on at home.  I have learned to be relentless. That is hard to do.  It is annoying and I can see it in peoples eyes.  They want you to go away or they completely disagree with you about your suggestions, or what you are suggesting seems like too much work.  I know, that's what I think when the therapist's or Dr.'s tell me "This is what we are going to try....." but how else are you going to know?

Everyone is so different.  Everyone's mind is so complex.  We have to give people young, middle and old an opportunity to live rich and full lives the best we know how.  That is my goal. It has always been my goal I guess, ever since I started to volunteer in the nursing home my mother worked at, I was 5.  k~

finally~

I would love to start talking about silent mental illness.  Last year I was gearing up to start talking about this very topic on my blog, ironically I came down with severe depression at that time.  

Since this blog is coming from my own personal experience as a mother, a wife and a sufferer, I don't want anyone to get the impression that this is how it is for everyone, this has been my journey.  I can only imagine that some of you out there will read it and it might look familiar.  I suppose as I talk about silent mental illness I should describe what I personally am talking about.  I am talking about the illnesses that can be very easily either overlooked or labeled as something else. An illness that is so serious that it can encompass the entire family.  Ones that have touched my life are anxiety, depression, ADD, ADHD, severe separation anxiety, severe sleeping disorder, and now boarder personality disorder.

The reason I call these conditions silent, is because most of the time the person is either not presenting behaviors because their medication is working or, they may look as if all they are demonstrating other types of behaviors, "bad behaviors", "inattentive", "rudeness" and/or "unfriendly" but certainly not a medical condition.  A condition or combination of conditions can seriously affect the person who is suffering and it can affect their caregivers, family and friends around them.

My experience started around 11 years of age, but that is probably just when I can remember more clearly circumstances, words spoken to me, and consequences. I am sure I had it most of my life.  I say this now, because of my youngest child who has sounded like me from an extremely young age.  So I have felt it for about I'd say about 36 years. When I was young, I was not offered help.  No meds or counseling.  I just had to cope and the way to do that was stuffing the pain, tears, fears, and worries and moving on.  Laughing a lot instead of crying.

I met Rick and he and I married.  He knew I was a mess (I tease him, that in the natural world he would have eaten me if he were a lion and I were an injured or ill gazelle, so well kind of his fault for taking me on :). Together we had 3 beautiful and extremely smart children. I mean really smart.  As it turns out, all 3 have a somewhat  serious  case of a silent mental disorder. Of course that is what they got from me! and all the mental illness from Rick. No no no......I kid....

Our girl is the oldest.  She has ADD.  For most of her very young life she spent aloof.  I thought she had hearing problems.  She would trip over bikes in the yard. Or get sucked into anything that was on TV.  She would work for hours and hours on a paper.  One time she wrote a 10 page introduction to a paper she needed to write, and that was in 4th grade. She would always get "lost" in what ever she got involved in.  She, however, has always been a very verbal about her ADD. She is a very strong advocate for her own self.  This helps me and her dad.  

Our second child is a boy.  He came out needing his mommy.  We family bed him in the hospital.  I was under a lot of stress during his pregnancy, and that is what they say adds to all the chaos to the precious baby en uterus, nice mom. He really experienced a lot.  When he was just a newborn he did not like being held by anyone other than mom or dad.  He was very heavy (10lb 15oz) but looked really skinny.  He slept through the night so infrequently that if he ever did, I woke up ans was sure the entire family had died.  He was finally tested and shown he had Sever separation anxiety from me and from Rick. He had a sleeping disorder. He slept 3-4 hours a night.  He walked at 10 months., He was a tight snuggler and had no boundaries. He was diagnosed with depression in 1st grade along with his sleep disorder and his sever separation anxiety.  Along with that, he had sensory integration issues. This Through all this I was with him and supporting him.  Cora was a frequent visitor to his appointments. It was there we discovered she needed Physical therapy for her poor trunk control. So this begins too. 

Then comes Sam.  FUNNY! He was always funny and still is.  He's charming and very smart. But he was born without self esteem.  So even when he was getting us to laugh, he hated when we laughed. And if we didn't laugh he got so upset that we didn't find him funny.  It was and still is a balancing act of which way should we take this, he's funny, do we react or should we pretend not to notice. 

13 years ago Rick had acute depression.  It came on very very quickly.  It was job related. I worried about him constantly.  At the time I had a very thriving Pampered Chef business and making pretty good money and earning free trips and product.  It was then that I had to slow my business down.  December 2014 I became completely inactive and no longer sell Pampered chef.  It came from Love for my husband and for my family.  I could no longer have as many shows at night after that fateful depression and slowly veeerrrryyy slowly my business went down down down.  Then I got sick and I let it go a drift.  I just could't manage it anymore.  

Me and my anxiety is all I knew. One fateful appointment to a marriage counselor, telling the same stories I have before, but this time for some reason, BOOM! depression hit and it dropped on me and it stayed. The professionals called it that for about 10 months until I entered the program I am in now. They call it Borderline Personality Disorder.  Yes, I am embarrassed to tell everybody.  Yes, I was surprised I had something like this. No, I don't have every symptom, but, I have enough. 

I have lost friends, made enemies, I have lost my short term memory, I have lost my ability to organize, I am sad most of the time, I feel inadequate, frustrated, and sorry. But I try, too.  I try every day to work towards health. I have made different friends and have kept a safe distance from what makes me nervous or more anxious.  I have taken my crafts and art and writing more seriously.  I don't sell anything.  I don't think I am up to that caliber yet, but it bring me some joy in my life.  Sharing it on Facebook and with people who happen to come over or go to coffee with me is enough. That has to count for something. 

Listed below are several links to the disorders that I have touched on.  By all means there is way more information and experience out there, but it gives you a good idea if you are just interested. Autism or mild dementia can appear to be a silent illness too.  This is a topic that I will be bringing up often in my blog. I also will be bring in my art and my animals as well as other random things that happen. Thanks for the time you took to get through this lengthy post, I had to do this post sometime.  Trust me it took WAY longer for me to write it than for you to read it. k~


http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20023204      

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/attention-deficit-disorder-adhd-in-children.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/basics/symptoms/con-20032977

http://www.patient.co.uk/health/anxiety

http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Sensory+Integration+Disorder

http://www.childmind.org/en/health/disorder-guide/separation-anxiety-disorder

TBT Look at how little they are!

recovery

recovery from anything is a personal journey.  most often not to be shared with the public.  as of late, i have not shared much.  mostly because my better half has told me that people just don't want to see that.  he says it looks like complaining.  actually i have to agree with him.  depression is not an uplifting topic anyway you look at it.

i have not posted much on my depression here or on facebook, or at least I don't think so, for some time.

recently i got in an argument with a friend that I would call extremely dear and close.  she called me a stalker.  ironically, in college, i was stalked.  the police did nothing about it.  he would come to my work.  i worked alone in a huge building cleaning it at night.  he would show up at 1 am and scare me out of my mind.  he would show up where i was with my friends. one time he came to my house in cambridge. i know how being stalked feels and it is terrifying.

one other time i was referred to as a stalker by a beautiful man who has since lost his life to a heart condition.  i used to go to him for math help in college.  he was so nice to me. he always seems so open and willing to help. several years later i found out that my nickname was "the stalker".  to say i was crushed is a huge understatement.  i thought we were actually friends.  i thought i was welcome.  instead, i was a joke. i was laughed at behind my back.  i was disliked.  i was name called.  i was not a person that was looked forward to be seen.  i was ha ha ha "here comes the stalker".

2 days ago i found out that is what 2 people thought of me.  one person rightly so.  i only did what i did because he said we were friends and then he made it impossible for me to reach him.  i became irrational.  but i didn't go to his work? no, didn't go to his home? no.  i chatted to an empty never read chat wall. that's it. i tried to call that blue phone thingy, until he hung up on me mid ring, and blocked me. for that i am a stalker. i take full responsibility.  but it was she who called be a stalker. and for that my heart broke. she was my dear friend. she could only see me as bad.

i have vowed to myself that i will never attempt another new friendship again. i will never subject myself on others.  if i am so upsetting to people, then to myself i will remain. facebook had been an on and off again decision for me.  there are 3 reasons i stay. i monitor what my kids do on FB, i like this one farm, and i do an art class through FB.  so if anyone wonders why i don't just get my annoying ass off of it, that is why.

sorry isn't a strong enough word for all the annoying bothersome things i do and am to people.  but now that i know if i get upset with someone the chances that they are 10 times more upset with me and celebrate when i go away are pretty good.

nope, depression doesn't really spell happy, laughing, fun.  especially when people don't like you to start with.

i remember an episode of sponge bob when he was traded by mr.crab's to go to davy jone's locker but was so annoying , davy jone's sent him back.  that is what is going to happen to me. when i die i will go straight to hell like i was told by my dad. but with in moments just like people on earth i will annoy the devil so much that he will kick me all the way to heaven. with a big "nope" sign on me. and i will forever in eternity clean men's bathrooms.  k~

Compassion ~ Empathy

One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody.
-Mother Teresa

Compassion 
    Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to               relieve it. 


Empathy
      the feeling that you understand and share another person's experiences         and emotions: the ability to share someone else's feeling

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. 
-1 Peter 3:8

Sometimes late at night, I mean like 3 or 4 in the morning, I think about how my life is going and how I would like it to continue.  I see my life as waves on an ocean most often.  I have for quite a while.  Sometimes I am a boat or a ship on the ocean.  Sometimes I am afraid of the open ocean, more often, I am not.  The ocean holds mystery and possibility,  wonder, sustenance, calming peace, raging storms, refreshing rebirth, vast burials.  I believe there is a reason God made the ocean so huge compared to land.  He knew that people needed something bigger and most unknown that they could see and touch, in order to understand his greatness.  I also feel that God knew that people needed the ocean in order for people to understand the vast expanse that is the human mind.  In my life time the ocean will never be completely explored or understood nor will the mind.  I am great however, that I have been blessed with 2 things:  Compassion and Empathy.  I know I have both.  I know that it is very hard for me to be awake and not think of someone who might have it worse or someone who may need something for that day.  I can judge myself up one side and down the other.  Judging others is extremely hard.  Everyone has their purpose, reason and own validity for what they do, who am I to judge. Below are some wonderful quotes that I like to look at.  Mother Teresa is one of my biggest inspirations. I would have loved to meet one of the most selfless people one earth.  I am sure she could not have stopped to figure out how she touched so many lives. k~

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
-Mother Teresa

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, 
a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.
-Mother Teresa

Just trying

I  am just trying to keep myself afloat today like every other day.  A new thing that seems to happen to me is I seem to erase most everything I write just before hit the publish or send button.  It does become quite frustrating because words don't come as easy as they used to in the past.  I have a few thoughts and items today that I hope you take a moment to look at.  One is a song by a comedian that was recommended by my daughters boyfriend.  He is aware of my depression.  Instead of laughing this song made me cry.  Mr. Minchin most certainly has been through something in order to be able to write some of the truest words I have experienced and felt in a long time.  Thank you Dylan. I hope it is attached to this so you can enjoy it.  It is also, I believe on my Facebook page.



  



The second thing I wanted to share was something that just happened about an hour ago.  I was commenting on a relatives comment on Facebook and the words I was writing I found to be words I longed to hear from someone.

Sometimes (like the past two weeks), I feel like my life is out of control and I'm suffocating in missed deadlines in work and school. I feel like I'm too stupid to be a good student because I'm already in academic alert and I'm behind. I feel like a bad employee because I'm not adjusting to the changes at work fast enough and I'm always needing help, never finishing my work. I can't seem to get enough sleep and I feel so alone because I don't get to see any friends or loved ones more than a couple hours every other week if I'm lucky, not even Axxxx.... then I feel guilty because so many people have it worries than me. I have loving friends and family members, I have a roof over my head, I have a job, and I'm privileged enough to get to go to school.... just a big ol pot of negativity.... and I just can't make myself give an F right now.

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  Kirsten Olson Walsh Dear, Unfortunately this is a common feeling of getting older. Soon this will become your norm. That is why it is always important to know where your priorities lie. For short times in our lives we have to put down our fun, family and dear friends enable to get our selves together. College and work combined is one of those times and normal people will understand that. Another mile stone is early child rearing, and so on. They, the family and friend keepers, will allow room for your needs it's what friends and family do. Those who don't stick around just are not worth your time. That is a hard sad lesson in life and I am proof at 47 that that does not end. It doesn't matter how old you are. BUT the good ones, the true blue friends and family members are always there through the F's and the A's. Because to them, you are a winner that is just adding beautiful gems to your well deserved crown. Hang in there!

  44 mins · Like · 1

You know we all want to be loved, but more than that I think we all want to be noticed as useful, needed, important in some way.  We want to be forgiven. We want to be seen as ok and good in others eyes.  We want to be understood along with our shortcomings. We want to be looked at and heard and not be judged.  We just want to feel like it is ok to be on this earth. And to have people love us.  k~

a life worth living

For those of you following my journey through this horrible thing called depression, I suppose I could update a bit about how my progress is going.  You know each persons journey is so different. Each person has a set of triggers that can move them emotionally one way or another.

My journey has been a very long one and it appears there is no end in sight at least for now.  But one good thing that has developed, is that I can count now, on one hand the few things I wish I could heal.  Or make amends or something.  But others hold those cards.  Those few things I need to set aside as yet again, in some way, things I have touched and destroyed.  That pain of holding onto my pain of being so awful to others and never ever intending it is something that follows me.

I have a personality that should be bottled and opened only ever so often and some put in a tiny little glass on rare moments, perhaps for some good entertainment. 

I know I mentioned before that last year was perhaps worse than my high school years, which by the way I never ever thought I would have to live that nightmare ever again.  But through therapy I am learning to be safe with myself. I am learning to do many things. 

This week I am working on "A Life Worth Living". Because right now I just don't see it.  Thanks to medication and a lot of support from Rick, my suicidal tendencies are far far apart and happen less and less.  Mostly I wish to disappear.  I long to fade away and/or finally go to that cabin in the woods with of course all my animals and art stuff.  I want to sit on the porch in a rocker, throwing out seeds to all the little critters that scurry about.  I'd be able to communicate only by computer, but not all the time.  I'd order what I might need for a long enclosed winter or for a project I would be working on.  The supply truck would come out to me like every month or two to bring me stuff and take stuff out like packages.  But there I would sit with my 2 Very large dogs and my zoo. Hours, Days and Weeks would go by.  It wouldn't matter.  This would be my life. Finally after all these years of feeling alone, I would be alone by choice.  I would be where I belong. I would have what I need and That's just enough. I would have my loving children and husband to communicate with and see every so often when they visited. And Rick, he would finish work.  If he chooses to follow me up here that would be awesome.  If he chooses a new life in the big city, the world is his to choose from.  He desires His Life too.  So for my homework, that is it. I think right now before I start to brainstorm and dig in, what I described is a lift worth living to me.  Kind of safe and out of the way, but no one gets hurt by me. No one needs to worry about getting together,  I am safe. K~

oh.. and of course there will be bison!!

Some times it doesn't add up.

      The directions don't seem to match the pieces.  We are missing an important piece to the puzzle.  Oh wow, that color looks nothing like it did in the store.  That is much like my confusion is like.

I spend a lot of time in confusion these days. I pray most of it is my medication, but we will not know this until I go off of some of them, and at this point they are adding and not subtracting.

One of my restrictions I put on myself is highway/freeway driving.  I get too confused when I drive on long stretches of roads.  It isn't smart. On our trip back from Arizona I drove the freeway for an hour or so.  It was a ride I must say.  Rick wanted to rest, and I don't think anyone rested at all.  Rick just took over the driving after that.  It would be one thing if I was reading a book, cross stitching, or drawing at the same time.  Nope just me and my brain thinking maybe this lane... no that lane.

Another restriction I have for myself is actually going anywhere.  At this point I am done with most of my obligations with people.  All I have left is Dr. appointments for me or children, the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center, and June Clever chores (shopping and homemaking)

I have been skillful with my DBT class and my DBT therapist.   I have been able to get through some deeply seated emotional times with skills and coaching calls.  It is actually stunning to me  how long it has been since I have been under this awful cruse. Mid - February it will have been a year. Honestly, I know what started it but exactly when and how it happened I don't know.  It has been a long road and I am somewhere between staying alive and moving a few steps forward and staying safe day to day.  I like the progress I have made albeit so very very slow.  Sometimes I hear my old humor coming through. especially when I feel comfortable, like at WRC. The animals make me so so happy.  I just love all their little antics. Our crew is great too.

So my next step is to get away for a long while unplugged. I am looking for a destination for a 1 to 2 month sabbatical.  It's odd for a stay at home mom to consider taking a sabbatical, but I am.  And so we are back to the sometimes it doesn't add up. More on the sabbatical search to come.  But the research has begun.  k~

How quickly the tides turn - Rick wanted me to put that this is my interpretation of what he said, not actually what he said

I was having a very productive day.  I found DBT challenging.  We are in the Emotion Mind section and this section is just not a place I want to hang out in.  But for the most part I think I understood the lecture and the homework assignment and I felt like " Ya, I can do this."

After class I proceeded to the pet store and picked up crickets for my beardies and crickets for my long tailed and anole.  OK seriously, I couldn't even see the pin head crickets.  It was like I was dumping a bag of air in the small lizard habitat.

Off to Walgreen's to pick up more medications.  That actually went without a hitch.  I lingered in the office supply aisle fantasizing about what I could buy and how I could use it.  Where I would put it and so on.  Then my name is called and it was time to go home.

No time for down time, it was off to another meeting. I was waiting for Rick because I can't drive the freeway and he was going too, with in minutes of Rick getting home my mood had plummeted. It was at an 8 and then and still now I am at around a 2. (Using a scale of 1-10, 1 being worst to 10 being the best ever!)

Why did it plunder? Well in the course of 20 minutes I noticed that Rick was not feeling well and that bothered me because he works so hard and is very behind at work because of me.  When I asked him about something that I thought was positive he saw as a blow off, the next time I looked at it I think he was right, now I am teary eyed.   He is only home this early and missing vital time from work because it is dangerous for me to drive with certain medication, otherwise he would have gotten in about and extra 45 minutes that he needs badly. On the way to our appointment he told me I need to get a job at least by spring. He told me I was well enough to stop being so dependent on him. That is why he is pulling away from me so much.

So there I sat not necessarily disagreeing with him.  Me and my 21 meds, my serious confusion, me not seeing much of an improvement, me in my chosen loneliness, told by my husband that the time for my depression is over.  It is time for me to move forward. It is time to forget about the depression.

It is so sad.  I thought I could get better from this. But apparently I wont. I will just know that what so many have told me over this year, move on, get over it, your depressed because you don't try and get better. Only you can make yourself better. Well that one isn't true.  Apparently, someone can just tell you, well that's it, times up, Guess you're better. k~

**Again: This is only my interpretations of what Rick said.  According to Rick he never said anything of the kind.

hypocritically speaking

I hate to admit it and I don't think most people would enjoy saying it either but here goes, I'm a hypocritical person.  The almost year I have spent in deep depression has made me realize that I have spent not just this year in a tug of war with my reality and perceived reality, my past and my present, but also I have been asked for advise along the way.

For some reason people ask me what they should do in this situation and in that situation. People have also expressed to me that they think I am strong and how does a person get that way.  People say I am tough and I have always stuck up for the underdog and that's admirable.

But this is where my hypocrisy comes shining through.  First I would like to lay some ground rules so I don't come out looking like I feel ( that's progress on healing, hu?) Since high school people for the major most part came to me and asked me questions on what to do about this relationship issue, what about THAT boy, family problems, etc. etc.  Funny thing, I never had a boyfriend in high school or ever until college, I suffered all through high school and I told know one from my mouth what was happening, Frankly I had no experience except what I wish someone would notice and talked to me.

ALL I HAD WAS THE EXPERIENCE I HAD TO DRAW FROM: SEE ME, NO LOOK AT ME, SEE MY PAIN, MY LONELINESS, MY LONGING TO GO WITH YOU OUT FOR A MOVIE AND PIZZA, THE PROM JUST ONCE. JUST SEE ME.  

that is what I wish someone would do for me, so I did it right back to anyone who approached me with something or I knew had approached me.  I was their for them.  I got them to the point of laughing and let them know that I am always there for them for what that was worth.  I always gave both sides of the issue the benefit of the doubt.  I tried to be fair. I tried to look at anger as need and crying as relief and sometimes a thank you.

Why am I hypocritically speaking?  Well last year, there was a couple times may be 3 or 4 times I opened myself up and showed my deep vulnerability to people.  I shared things I had never shared.  I explained to each of them on separate unrelated occasions what my biggest fears were and what would break my heart the most, what I fear I may never recover from and low and behold a few of them did just what I told them would hurt me the most.  It was confusing to be encouraged to share like your in a safe haven and then find out the walls were fake and none of the caring part was real.

So you may wonder about the title.  With all of my medication and my confusion and my conditions I am getting better very slowly.  Most of what I say feels hypocritical.  I know what I say works.  I have seen results from people I have met along the year journey.  Some have helped me.  But I still have a few people asking me questions about things and now if any advise is given from me it is most definitely hypocritical just like high school.  Because like back in high school I don't have any of those happy things and advise to really hand out.  I just know in my head they work.  k~

Tuesday, Wednesday Ah ah ... or is it Thursday...

Man! I have only a few LARGE hurdles I deal with on a daily basis with all this brain stuff going on.
And I have to admit, CONFUSION is taking the lead. Since early last year, I have had a very hard time with memory (close second) but confusion is by far taken the lead.

Age is most assuredly NOT helping.  But I must admit that days of the week all become one.  Day and night are recognized thank you Lord for light and dark, and I don't live in the Alaska or Antarctica.  I suppose by then I would not even care if it were day or night by now.

My Kids, ya... they are so used to answering to just about anything by now.  Saturday night when Cora's beloved was over, I'm calling for Laura about something.  My daughter answers.  I go out there after a few minutes shaking my head, looking at Dylan.  This is all the time here.  Cora just said yah.

So now I'm Karen, She's Laura, Sam is Bing, David seems to be either David or a frustrated YOU and Rick is still Rick for the most part.  Confusion.

I am glad FB tells us how old we are otherwise that would be anyone's guess.  Except early in my 40's I did gain a year, I thought I one whole year older for one year.  So around my birthday I found was turning that age and I was SO EXCITED i got to be that age for one more year.  I was truly happy :)

I think I mentioned this yesterday but I asked Rick last Thursday what day it was so many times that when he asked that evening what day it was, I just looked at him with a sideways tilt of the head and said "really".

So today I am trying to come up with a system that will help me navigate my day.  Something that will help me get to point B from point A. oh and. then once at B, I can get back to A again. Writing has helped tremendously. Getting thing out of my head has helped me free up a bit of space. But writing is overwhelming. All of those words I want to use that I can't remember where to put them. I need to do my deep breathing while writing.  That feels good.  So in my confused state, I think it may be just the reader who suffers.  Here's hoping that you all don't suffer through, and if you do, thanks so much!  k~

Getting Real Here

I think with this blog I am trying to get real with myself and I am trying not to be so comparative. The following is my narrative to explain how one, me in this case, can look at their own illness as less important than another person's.  I know that there are worse illnesses/conditions out there.  That is why there is triage in hospitals, intake for mental health groups, etc.  These assessments should let people know and understand that their condition is real, and they will be cared for with respect.  This is everyone's wish I believe.  To be seen, heard, and understood.

Through my life I have been blessed to travel in 3rd world countries.  Here we learned a different way of life all together.  One thing I learned was to never finish your food or drink.  Only eat or drink about 1/2 and give the rest to the many children that have gathered around you. Always travel with pencils and pens, crayons ( maybe not 6 degrees from the equator :) ) bouncy balls, small light wind-up toys.  These are to give away for trade or to the children that come around.  Even shoe laces, razors, etc. are great.

In Liberia in 1987 I went to a fully self-sufficient  Leprosy colony.  They farmed, fished, crafted, health cared, and cared for each person that lived there.  It was one of the most up living places I have been to in all my travels.  I hope it is still there and most are as well as they can be with Ebola going around. These people compared to us have little to nothing and are some of the happiest people I have ever met. To them this is their life. Although I was shocked and sad, I never felt the need to show it or reach out to them in that way.  I loved their crafts and bought many.  I visited with the residents of the village for quite some time and enjoyed myself immensely.  After 27 years I think about that place with a happy lilt in my heart.  It is all perspective. They most definitely needed help. That was real. But they knew they could wait. Help may come.

In the developing country of Belize an old lady came into the KFC.  She looked sun worn and disheveled.  I felt so bad for her situation.  The management kicked her out, but I would have been more than happy to give her part of my meal.

Here in a 1st world country, on the corner of Randolph and the off-ramp of 35E there are plenty of homeless vets, people, travelers etc. daily.  I don't have cash on me every day.  I wish I did.  

I often hear my son who is 12, complain about ALL THE HOMEWORK he has.  Where as my daughter has an AP lit class and other classes and is up all hours.  In our home we have taught perspective.  To him he is overwhelmed because he is 12 and has a 12 year old mentality so his nervousness is REAL to him.  She is a senior and has senior concerns, i.e: no fighting about who has it harder.

Back to Getting Real.  So when I see people talk about health, illnesses, conditions, experiences, etc. and they try to categorize them and put whose got it worse, it fries my cakes.  But here's the funny part of that.  I will judge my own illness day and night.  Even when I have been suicidal, I have tried to blow it off as it will pass, or there should be no reason I should feel this way.  After all, look at that person and what they have been through, or that person's pain, or him, or her and on and on.  It's not just the "other people" who don't see my/your life as a real purposeful life.  It could be you, yourself. But why am I doing it too?  I am taking a more respectful stance in my mental health care and 4 days into the new year I already have a few, albeit baby steps, plans.   k~

Day 2, 2015

No most certainly am I going to be writing and posting every day, at least I don't think so.  It is interesting how long my day was today.  It was the first "on purpose" day. I stayed home, I cleaned, I animal cared, and I attempted to painted and draw.  Soon it will be time for bed and I am proud I have successfully made it 2 days into 2015.  For me this is a HUGE step forward.  As I put in my FB post :

Happy New Year! 2015 hmmm what will you bring? For me...Surprises for sure. Spectacular adventure. Growing closer to newly rekindled old friendships for sure. Healing and embracing my natural gifts that God has given me. Stop reaching out to people but respect myself in 2015 through my art and writing and my care giving of my family, homestead, and zoo. Leaving others to their beautiful full lives. I will leave a door open for others to come in, those I have left a wake of pain, disappointment, and anger thru my continued journey with depression. So if they need to heal by reaching me I am here, otherwise in 2015 sharing on the subject will be minimal. Lastly I lost many close and dear contacts on and off FB, some very close. 2015 I pray very hard will be a time of learning what joy actually is a learning that me all by myself is enough to make me live a full and rich life. Have a blessed, rich, happy, joyous, full, filled with silly laughter 2015. Kirsten

I never did finish the post last night, I grew to tired and I started talking to Cora on her adventure to Duluth and Rick got home from Green Mill. So it is Saturday morning and I am cleaning up the computer and having coffee and donuts with Rick.  I wanted to finish this too and he likes to Facebook so how new?  But our mornings together are so important.  We also have a special program we watch together that is fun too.  It's hard to find time to be together but we have made some and that is nice.  

So far as of the morning of Day 3 things seem to be just about to the good level and I will take that any day.  As long as I stay in working ALL DAY LONG and never take time to think, I might be able to keep my depression at bay. That sounds doable, right? k~ 

New Years Resolution: Remove the toxic people from your life, even if you are the toxic person.

Well there is a new year approaching (1 day) and needless to say I am not looking forward to 2015.

The 2014 was one of my worst years of my life. I can only think of maybe 2 or so that came close to this one.   Will I say happy new year at midnight tomorrow.  I can say for sure no. December 31st was my deadline.  I have kept this date close to me and very secretive. Only Rick has know for very few days.  A few months ago, I was faced with the statement, "If there are toxic relationships or people in your life, you need to get rid of them. It is an important step to healing."  For a few days I sat on this statement thinking and pondering over it.  And frankly, I could only think of one person that was the most toxic harmful person in my life... and that was me.  I am the most toxic person to me and to others around me.  I have been told subtly and not so subtly.

So this brings me back to my count down.  I gave myself to the end of this year to remove the toxic person from my life.  So far nothing has worked.  As a matter of fact more people have been successful at removing me from their lives then me doing it myself. Another example of me being weak and selfish.

So what does tomorrow bring?  I am not completely sure.  I have made a few decisions but not all. Yes they are selfish. Yes they are self centered. Yes they will make at least a few people quite happy in the long run.  For me I will be at peace eventually with my final decisions.  And really that is what a new year is suppose to bring, a resolution for change. Mine will at one point bring change and hopefully peace.


For those of you that read this I do truly wish you a happy new year.  I have already read some peoples excitement for the new year and it brings a smile to my face. I am happy for all of you that are moving forward and moving on together with happiness in your heart. May 2015 bring blessings and joy without  comparison.

k~

Just who am I fooling?

Ya know right when I enjoy just a bit of what it might feel like for the other people, I am pulled back in  it as if the grand universe is having fun with it's toy. I woke up this morning with just a bit of hope on my mind. Just a bit of thing may be ok today. It's 1:45 now.  My 12 year old is crying.  He told me I am not physically abusive mom but I am mentally abusive mom all the time. Now he is in a puddle of tears I caused.  My daughter is on her way to her boyfriends with her teeth grinding and her fists clenched because of this stupid trip to Arizona we are leaving for at 8 am tomorrow morning.  She is hating every waking minute of it. My 15 year old is packing, after his medication has finally kicked in and he is even keeled.  I'm sitting in a mess of my own stuff with hours of work ahead and truly ready to throw up and give up. Rick is going to work in 3 hours and wont be home until 11:30 or Midnight.  We leave at 8 am.

I start to think of every pain usually mentally that I have and that I have caused and the spiral starts. I want to use my skills but I have been in battle since about 10 am and I am now just physically sick. The odd thing is I wake up most of my days like "oh there's the sky, it's morning." and then, like a truck comes and broadsides me I say "Oh ya that's right... It's my morning."

Who am I fooling.  Just who am I fooling?  k~