"Nature does not create its beauty in a day. When the seeds are deep in the soil, it is hard for us to imagine the fruits that will someday emerge."
Bill McLaughlin
My cousin Steve posted an article about my dad from the Cambridge Star. I thought it curious that the word menagerie was used in it. Cambridge never did get a museum going, but I think the town missed out. I always wanted to learn more about the heritage of the people who settled here. I also think it would have been very educational to have an area that was filled with thing from far away lands. I am sure my dad wasn't the only one that went on exotic adventures to far away lands.
Closer to our home, I remember our house of menagerie. It was ever changing it's members, but we always had inhabitants. In my house we always had lizards hanging from our curtains. We had turtles roaming around our house. They were potty trained. When they came to eat they would go on the paper the food would be on. It was very convenient. Kangaroo Rats with their super big feet and ears and long tale with a big fluff at the end, were some of my favorites.
Kangaroo Rat
Horny toads the more awesome of lizards.
We had many lizards that hung from our curtains.
chuckwalla
iguana
We also had snakes, snakes, snakes a plenty to feed and care for.
Boa Constrictor
Diamondback Rattlesnake
Then there were the turtles in the bathtub. We didn't have a shower, so we had to take out the turtles, wash the bathtub, fill the bath tub for us to take a bath. Then when we were finished, we needed to wash the bathtub to remove all the soap residue, fill the bathtub to the right temperature, and then put the turtles back into the tub. They were just roaming around the floor while I would bathe. I know they were enormous, and had sharp sharp claws. My dad called them sliders. So I don't know if we had them because they were the invasive species Red Eared Slider that originally come from Asia. So we kept them out of the lakes. But they were abnormally HUGE!!
So that is a tiny look into my life as a child with animals. Many more stories to come. Hope you enjoyed it. Please feel free to comment. k~
Just a break in every topic on my blog to say THANK YOU!! Thanks for all wonderful birthday wishes today. My day was really special. This morning my sister came over, and we let the chickens out to roam the yard. I also brought out Quailly and put him in our outdoor pen. He crowed like a tiny rooster almost the entire time. Then we went shopping for Cora, because she is off to the BWCA tomorrow. Built a new cricket farm have yet to start it. Then there was super and the cake. Oh I forgot Francis was out. I got a great big birthday poop from him for my birthday. So I also got a birthday shower whether I needed it or not. Yeah for me :) So a few Bob's Burgers and off to bed for me. Out with my sisters tomorrow morning for Birthday 2. I will post one of my cake photos, just because it's chocolate ice cream cake :) Thanks again! k~
I think it has taken me so long to get to my next group of wonderful animals, because believe it or not they are incredibly hard to photograph, at least for me. They are constantly moving. Group shots are really hard to photograph and get all of them clear and looking at the camera. I love my chickens. They won't even lay eggs for 4 or 5 more months. So I have 3 chickens. All were born on the same day but of course being different types of chickens they are all different sizes and have very different personalities.
Mama Cosmo (Mama) She was the leader for most of the time when she lived in the house. Since the chickens have been in the yard, leadership has changed a bit. She is a Wyandotte chicken. They will be laying brown eggs. Her personality now is mostly a timid and scared. She does not like being held as much as the other 2.
Studio (Sweet Pea or Studio 54) She is a Austrolorp She is the leader now. She spent all of her time in the house do super ditzy things and was always last to learn a new chicken skill. She was by far a big airhead. I then started to call her Studio 54 for that reason and Studio stuck. Now in the yard, she is the leader. The other 2 follow her and keep and eye on what she is doing. She doesn't mind being held. She doesn't love it but doesn't fight me or Sam either. She is also very talkative. And YES I do talk chicken all the time to them. They do respond to me and come over.
Buff (Buff McNaughten) She is a Buff Opington chicken. We called Buff, Buff McNaughten after a hemit that lived in the woods by Gull lake. He knew my father in laws dad and my father in law. So when we saw that name we knew even though she was a girl she had to have that name. She has always been the shyest. She has always seemed like the youngest even though they are the same age.
Mmmm Mangos
Running free!!
Night time. Here they are in their Coop. They make so much noise when they settle down for the night, it's kind of funny to just sit and listen to them. I know what they are doing. One chicken gets settled and then another one comes in and steals it, and so on. This goes on and on. Then all is quiet. k~
For those of you that only follow my blog, I need to send an update.
Qauilly is officially a boy.
With quail there is a specific test one can do to determine if it is male or female. If you squeeze their bottom and a foam ball comes out, it's a boy, no questions asked. And well, the other day, it happened. I know, I know.
Quailly has been crowing loudly around the house for a few weeks know (another sign of a male) but I just though "it could be Quailly singing her beautiful song"... denial. I really wanted a girl. I was hoping so for a girl so there would be no need to have Quailly fixed.
But alas my luck is often tilted in the "not your way girl friend" So I will have 2 Quail and a huge vet bill some day, and I will love them both. Sigh. k~
I thought I would start with Quailly since as of today, he/she is the newest to the menagerie. The way I am figuring he/she was born in the week of June 10th. which makes he/she 6 weeks. We hope to know if he/she is a he or a she. There are ways that are not working. SOOOO......I just need to wait for an egg to drop out. That begins at around 7 or 8 weeks! Really?? The male gender should be obvious by now, All you need to do is squeeze their butts and a big white foam bubble is supposed to come out. Well this quail here is just peeing a little and getting pretty irritated at me. For the life of me I can't get it to work right so, I just wait. Hey... I guess we all wait :)
I adopted her from the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center. He/she needs a covey so I guess our Menagerie is hers/his covey. Sam put her in the doll house I am totally redoing. This is one of the unfinished rooms. She LOVED the bed. She/he sat and picked at the blanket for minutes and minutes.
Then there are other things that Quailly enjoys She/he loves to be held, A LOT. She also loves being rocked, sometimes asleep.
It's just crazy how she loves this so much. I do this daily.
So birds are so new to my menagerie and so new to me. I just love my Chickens and I love my Quail.
Oh yes and Quailly makes this very load call now. Lots of cooing and quiet peeps but then there are these screams. She/he will do this if she/he hears my voice and I don't go and see her right away.
Sometimes the list of my animals can be hard to make, because I have so many. I also get new adoptees and rescues often, so the list gets added to. I think that a current list might be helpful and then I promise I will get some photos in here. I do have several running down the side :) There are so many stories that go along with my animals some are hard to forget and some are fun to remember. The List: 1 Quail 3 Chickens 7 Water Turtles 4 Land Turtles 2 Snakes 1 Arboreal Frog 2 Water Frogs 6 Lizards 1 Millipede 2 Bunny's 1 Hamster 1 Cat 1 Dog 2 Fresh Water Parrot Fish Several Large Feeder Goldfish 1 Tank of small fish 3 Pools outside 2 With Brown Gold Fish 1 With Bullhead 1 Cricket Farm 1 Meal Worm Bin 1 Meal Worm Egg Bin 1 Meal Worm Beetle and Pupa Bin 1 Super Worm Beetle and Egg Bin 1 Super Worm Bin (for growing up) 1 Super Worm Bin (for feeding Beardies) 1 Super Worm Incubation Bin (From Worm to Pupa to Beetle) 1 Carnivorous Plant that I have to special water and feed I don't think I am forgetting anyone. I think I have them all listed. So that is my Menagerie. That is who I care for daily, along with my 3 lovely children, oh and husband. I love it. It makes me happy. k~
So as I said before, I am shifting topics on my blog and moving forward. I have decided to mix it up a bit and focus on my menagerie of fantastic exotic animals and a few domestic ones. Our house is a zoo, a haven, a rescue center, a place where the unwanted go. What ever you want to call it, animals are welcome here. At the moment every Phyla is represented. If you are a bit rough on your Animal Phyla, I will refresh you.
So many of you already know about all of my animals. I look forward to share my Menagerie.
I have also had the great advantage of doing some extensive traveling in my life. I did a lot when I was quite young and again when I started college and beyond.
Much of my travels as a child are not easy to forget. They are filled with fantastic true stories and wonderful almost unbelievable tales that I am sure some will leave you not believing them.
Lastly, I really have no where to display my art, crochet, and other various projects I pick up along my way. So from time to time I am going to put them here. I am really not sure why.
So that is it. This is my new format of this blog. On the right column, there is a space for updates. I don't expect that will be changing soon, often or detailed. It is just not prudent right now.
Thanks so much for hanging on if you do and thanks for reading if you don't.
I am living under a cloud of regret. It's not so much a depression, but a true regret in sharing my diagnosis. I had no idea that what I was being diagnosed with was so hideous. For someone who has cared about what people think about her, my entire life, THIS was not something that I should have let out to the public. I have been told that it is just a label and I am the same person before the diagnosis as I am after, But this time it isn't quite true. I am suffering from depression (yes still) medically and emotionally. Where as, before the diagnosis I was JUST suffering from depression. I have read article after article from very good sources about BPD regarding the dislike of a person with this diagnosis. It has been confirmed over and over again. We are toxic humans. WOW! wow... I didn't know that. wow. I have lost friends. since the diagnosis. I'm not cuddly, I am losing myself. It has been hard to explain. So I am going to stop explaining it. It is just an awful, terrible label to live with and to know that this has been me maybe even forever. It makes me what to just crawl right out of my skin. Apologize to everyone I know and run away. This IS a real thing and it in no way draws any empathy of any kind from those around you. I am sorry for those who are receiving this diagnosis today or have had to deal with this for a long time. I wish I had know then what I know now. I would have NEVER shared my label, that's for sure. It's super lonely in here. It's icky in here. And for the first time in my life when I directly asked for someones help I was told "no, I won't help you" if that shows how this label, diagnosis, personality, does not draw sympathy from others I don't know what will. People who know your label forget you have anything else like depression too or anxiety they just see trouble. Keep it in the shadows. Don't let it out. Borderline Personality Disorder is not embraced by society like alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. It is even lower. k~
In the last year and a half I have found out more about the brain then I care to know. I was always good at anatomy. I was the kid in college that people lined up to check out my notes after class. I was the one who got the A+ or the 110 out of 100, that isn't even possible in college. Then I had to take anatomy again for some post graduate classes as well as Medical terminology. After working among medical records and doctors orders as well as PT and OT orders for a few years in a rehab center of a nursing home, medical terminology became a second language to me. I also became used to the looks that came with some terms and diagnoses. I was able to hone some skills and understanding of what was going on with certain patients around me. I am not just tooting my own horn, I simply wanted to load my credentials in order to yet again show the following cartoon.
Cartoon by Kirsten Walsh 2014. All rights reserved. No coping without permission from Kirsten.
This is a very beat up cartoon and it is time for a clean and updated one to emerge. I did however want to share it again. It, in my opinion, can't be shared enough. Whenever I have approached my metal illness or my children's metal illness as of late, it appears that most of the professionals, ironically consider certain of the mental illnesses that stem from the brain, are stemming from a brain found outside of the body. Once when i was trying to figure out about these horrible headaches i was having, I went to a Neurologist. He ordered a Cat-scan of my head and sure enough, there it was, my brain. lodged right there in my skull cavity. From that moment on, I became a true believer of the the brain being part of ones body. It should be treated as such. That said, like the ocean itself, the brain has barely been touched when it comes to scientific research. This includes all fields that are not excluded to mental illness. There is mental wellness of the brain, anti-socialism, how we learn in different environments under different nutritional allotments, PTSD, Alzheimer's, and the like. Much research has been started but much has not been ended, completed due to our vast expanse of our brain. The only thing we know for sure about our brain without a doubt, is that out brain is INSIDE our body and should be treated as such. It is a member of all the body systems. It should not be excluded nor shunned if it might have a problem. It should not be looked down upon if a new diagnosis path comes along. It is a member of our body and should be treated as such. I I am compelled to end with a dah. but that would be looked upon as juvenile and I don't want to do that. k~
Our annual trip to Gull Lake has come to an end. We had a very nice time. The kids just love playing with their cousins. It really was lovely.
Usually I don't have "goal" on a vacation. But one thing I needed was to calmly open my mind to healing possibilities. I knew I had a huge hurdle to jump before any of that could happen and I put on my big girl pants and did it. I needed to make a phone call to the one person I felt could help me out through some of my healing. I was extremely unskillful and for that, I am sorry. I talked over that person quite a bit. But when I asked, no pleaded for them to help me, they said no. They, one of the people that could help, a lot, said to me no I will not help you. It felt painful, heart wrenching, confusing and many other feelings. One thing that happened was that with in 24 hours after having a much needed conversation and then another with one more person, pieces started to fall into place. Lies started to appear. And to shorten an extremely long and devastating piece of my mental health decline, I actually caught someone in a pivotal lie. One that involved my life, my well being, my getting better, my moving forward into wellness. I heard the lies that had created the anchor attached to my ankle. The one that tied me to the bottom of the pit.
Yesterday was the first day I have felt just a slight lilt in my step. I had a smile on my face now and again, I laughed once or twice. I was present. I am the Huge part of my own problems. There is so much stuff to dig through that it will be a while before I feel safe to be me out in the open. But when I was on the phone and showed my most vulnerable side to this someone and said I really truly needed their help, they said no I won't help you. It was stunning, overwhelming and saddening.
I am not the only one that created my cage or bricks and slim in my well. Others happily placed them at their on convenience and for their own pleasure. It was fun for them to see me crumble. I wonder how much fun it will be for them to see me rise out of the pit I have so long been trapped in. It will happen. Now that I know they blame me for it all in their sick way. They can "save the country" but not a person. They can lie and manipulate someone who was so excited for a true friendship and got sicker and no friendship because I was too much and considered a stalker. This week I will not be surprised if a no contact order comes to Rick and I. Ironically I don't think I will be stalking this person anytime soon.
So a long ramble about what I came up with on my vacation, I am really proud of myself for taking that leap of reaching out for help where I felt help was. I am really proud of making another phone call for checking the facts, even though I fear the facts were scripted and not so factual. It was what the person told me.
I finished my painting and I finished a small watercolor. I got some great marbles. I also got some other wonderful shopping in. It was super nice time with Rick. Just a nice time. I'd say in my condition it was a great time. I loved being with my kids and see them actually get along for most of the time. Bing was a barking dog at a cabin. Rick and I did some snuggling and he and I did some sorta fishing. It was nice.
Well it's that time of year again. The time of year that we migrate to the Northern part of Minnesota for "relaxation and fun" We have been going up every year since Sam was 3 years old. Sam is now 13.
Mostly for me, it is a week of judgments on my parenting, ie: what I feed my kids, I'm not watching them enough, do they have enough sunscreen on, this and that and on and on. Of course, I have both male and female parts and created them on my own. That means, according to the Walsh family, I am the only parent, and therefore the only one responsible for caring for my children while up at the lake.
It will be interesting this year to see how I get ridiculed about my childrens care: my children of 18, 16 and 13.
For many years I cared for my beloved mother in law. She was such a dear and as the years went on things got harder so I stuck around to chat with her. I took them in our cabin, because none of the others wanted to deal with what came with geriatric needs. My father in law yelled and barked orders at me for the entire week and the orders and yelling grew nastier every year. I never yelled back, however, first, because he wouldn't listen to a woman, but second i really never wanted to. I wanted his time at Gull Lake to be a really good one. I wanted it to be a special time, every time.
This year I have the added drive up to the resort for 4 hours. I need to drive the truck. The boys are going to be taking the NOVA for the first time! It is a very exciting time for them. They have been waiting for this for a long long time. That means I am left to drive the white loaded down truck on my own!!! I will be alone, because my medication is not good for driving, so I don't want anyone in the truck with me. Saturday at 6 AM I am heading out in anticipation of many stops. All the in laws will be chomping at the bit for the motor that goes on the boat. And I will have it. So hurry hurry. With all my stops to clear my head so not to swerve into another lane, I think it will take about 6 hours instead of the 4 hours it should.
Lastly, a person, that last year really devastated me, and he and his wife have continued to make my healing extremely difficult, belongs to the National Guard. And Yeah... Gull Lake resort is right next to camp ripely. They fire those damn cannons day and night. They are suppose to be done by midnight (nice) but actually they fire them until about 12:15 AM or later. With total disregard for those that surround them. Rude!!! So every time the cannons go off I get to remember these 2 people that treat me like trash and consider me nothing more than an old piece of gum that they scraped off their show a year ago, I am still hurting tremendously.
Why not stay home? Well I don't want to disappoint my family. I am a HUGE disappointment anyway, and I don't want to be even a bigger one. My kids want me there. Rick could care less and never spends a moment with me, but my kids want me to go, besides who is going to drive the truck. I need to be up there. Judgments, horrible reminders and all. k~
One of the most challenging steps to live a dialectic behavioral life is to give in and believe yourself a wreck and know that you need to rework most of yourself. I find myself very tired all the time. It's hard work to work on oneself for over a year and a half.
There is a song that I listen too. The words are amazing and quite uplifting. I think it's time for me to work on my brain pain. As I care for each pain with Fibromyalgia and really ignore the diagnosis. The diagnosis of Fibromyalgia makes me ashamed. It is extremely real to me. I live it every day but to most others it isn't very real. It is mostly unexplained traveling pain. It hurts however, quite bad I might add. Others, quite a few, don't believe in it. Many have questioned its validity to my face. So I usually just mumble it or leave the diagnosis out when speaking to intake nurses or doctors. This is how I am beginning to react to BPD. I get each symptom taken care of. There is no pill for BPD. There are pills for voices, visions, ruminations, perseverations, depression, anxiety, pain, etc. but none for BPD. I am ashamed of the diagnosis. I didn't know, at the beginning that I was supposed to be ashamed BPD. Here on this very venue I am typing away, telling everyone that I have this illness, and the longer I go on the more I find out, people don't want to know about "it". I didn't know that people thought it was either not real or the diagnosis was disgusting.
Someone very wise told me it's just a name or title, it's not all of you. True.
Rick said "I've never seen a more accurate description of you in writing... ever, barring a few symptoms. You've been this way as long as I've known you." Super great, but accurate and true.
Any way you slice it, I have them both and they aren't going away.
So back to the song, Cora's boyfriend Dylan shared this song with me. I have been a Tim Minchin fan, but had not heard this one. Once I did, I feel I had heard EXACTLY what I had been feeling and trying to express all along. I hope you get the heartfelt meaning behind this. It is truly amazing. And you know I don't know his biography, but it comes from someone who's been there, I guarantee it. Words like this can't be strung together with shallow intent. k~
Well maybe more like a small phoenix rising from the ashes. So not so itty bitty.
At the beginning of March 2015 my husband met with an individual asking and for the last time pleading with them to just meet with me. This individual was the major character other than myself keeping me stuck. I was stuck in a position on a fence, frozen unable to move one direction or the other. This is where I have been for at least a year. It has been an ugly hateful fence, filled with shame, guilt, sadness, confusion, depression, anxiety and the list goes on and on. This individual decided for themselves what was best for me and slammed a door shut and moved on. They never really looked back to see or care the damage that was done. Certainly I was in a very bad way independent from them as I said before, and this individual just made sure I was speared to the floor of this awful place, never to get up, and move on.
So back to now. When my husband pleaded with this individual pleaded for them to meet with me, they said "Yes, When, not if but when I do meet with her.........."so they did say they would, right? and the last thing my husband said was "Don't wait until June 1st. That would just be way to long." Well what is tomorrow?
So for the last month I have been observing the day approaching. The first half of May was, oh please oh please, oh please contact me and pull your head out of your ass. The second half I slipped into wise mind (a DBT term) and simply stopped counting the days except I did focus on the June 1st, I will admit. As the last few days have gone by. I have been anxious, not a hopeful anxious, but an anxious of well this is it. it has been a year and I know I am a grown woman, but respectful resolve is not going to happen. Sometimes evil is not me. Sometimes evil lurks where you don't think it could.
Do I have plans for the day? One to distract myself? Yes, many plans, not because I need to keep busy so I don't fixate on the time turning to June 1st, although I kind of do, but because I am legitimately busy. I am going to work with Rick so I can spend time with him all day. I have DBT homework. I have 3 crochet projects I would like to finish, and then there is my art.
So as of June 1st. That nightmare is tucked away and is no more. If that individual is reading this and they can, there is I am sure a HUGE sigh of relief and they can move on with obviously a guilt free life which they have been for a year already, duh!!! I can move on an create my new normal.
Here's to a new normal and some people suck and some people don't. It's not all or none :)
As of late, I feel I am somewhere in the shadow. I feel like I am in that place in the darkness that if you move ever so slightly, a part of you might show. At moments I feel a sense of comfort there. Other moments I feel scared and long for someone to find me. Normally when I think of being in a shadow I think of them being silent. Something like walking into a sound booth of some kind. But for me life is never quiet, not even in the shadow. I have a constant high pitch squeal that has not let up for years. Sometimes it is louder than others, but loud would always be in it's description.
The other day my psychiatrist put me on a medication that takes strange voices and creepy visions away. Even the medication doesn't help the squeal go away.
So hear I stand in the shadow with my squealing ears and my racing brain, watching life go by, wasting minutes of valuable life. Watching. Waiting. Wondering. Worrying. Over what I couldn't possibly know. Sometimes it's family. Well often it is family. What will be come of them. How will they thrive? Where will they go? Who will they meet? Sometimes it about my husband directly. Will he ever seek out what he actually needs or deep down inside longs for. Will true happiness come his way. Will a wonderful wave of relaxation wash over him and he finds himself laughing and leaning back on a seat in a beautiful fishing boat, just enjoying the day.
I wait. My pain is mostly internal. Much of which it was a year and a half ago. December 2013 I never could have imagined what opportunities I would have and destroy so horribly and so quickly. I don't get second chances. Not the one for second chances. I have stopped believing in them, many months ago. If you were to watch me you would say I am a lier, but let me give you an analogy.
What I wait for in the darkened shadows, where I am just out of sight, where I am filled with pain that it is like an anchor that does not allow me to move is gone for good. It is fruitless to wait for. I wait for Joy. Pure Joy. I wait to actually look into someones eyes and really feel their love for me coming back at me filling me up with love. I don't necessarily mean in a romantic way, I mean love, compassion. A love that with one look lets me know I am ok just as I am right now, Standing in the darkness of the shadow.
Some of you have seen me quite animated. Some have seen me laugh. Some have seen me when I can not stop talking. Who is that you much wonder. Well that is me too. And that is where my Analogy begins. When you go to capture an Anole (small lizard) with your hands most often it's tail ends up dropping off. The tail can keep moving for up to 15 minutes after it is off the lizards body. I have timed and videoed one for 13 minutes. That is me. I am that tail. I am animated. Moving super fast at first and can last for quite a bit of time. Then since I am not attached to anything alive, I slowly run out of energy and my spirit falters, I begin to slow down and eventually stop. With no one around, I begin to curl one way and then the other. Possibly I am seeking out someone, who knows. Then I realize I am alone and it's ok to stop. All the wiggling isn't going to get me help, It's not going to get me back on my body. I am now independent. Alone. In my shadow. I kind of feel safe there. It's kind of nice.
Fear and pain can co exists. With me they often do. For the past year I have lived a life of contradictions. Within my day to day I get phone calls, texts and personal contact with people who are struggling to just get through the day. I know why they contact me. I know they contact me because I am always there to listen with two ears and one mouth. I take care of their emotions first and help them calm down, and then quietly listen to their pain. Some pour out as literally tears some pour out in words typed on a phone. But I feel their pain just the same. After there is a lull, I ask them if they want anything from me except a sounding board and if they do, I try and recount what I have heard. Truly most of what I hear through all the words and pain is, I want someone to see me and notice I am in pain. I want my pain to go away. I don't want to hate myself. Why do I keep falling down. After a long time with fear and pain I feel blessed. It seems as if it's the only feeling I can express when these types of transactions occur, and they happen at least a couple times a week for me.
In my situation, I take it just slightly different. In my life I have been told I talk to much. I was raised in a family where we were seen and not heard. In first grade a teacher actually put tape across my mouth. As I grew up in public school I chattered like a magpie because I could. In 10th grade everything changed for me and roles were reversed and I now needed to be strong for everyone. No one at school knew how bad I really had it. That was on purpose. I chattered still but never about important things. They might have even seemed important.
My college years were tumultuous at best. My first year included a rape that I ignored, hid, and buried. One person knew, and I didn't take his advise to seek medical help.
I was intensely stalked by one man that was my supervisor at my day job. He follow me home to Cambridge. He thought we were going out. He, I guess, got me this over night cleaning job. He would find me on an empty floor of a huge office building and surprise me, I mean scare me out of my mind. I called the police many times during this time and asked for help. I was very afraid. He was much bigger then I was. They said they can do nothing unless he touches me. Finally the management of the building found out he was doing this, and it didn't come from me. They had him arrested. The police made me go to the squad car where he was hand cuffed and sitting and said out loud " Is this the man that has been coming here at nights to see you and bother you" and I barely said yes" and the police officer said "louder miss", and I said "yes" and they took him away. He, I am sure to this day, does not know I never called the police on him.
Someone may say "Oh Kirsten, that was so far in the past." Move on. But when there are still relationships that have such wonderful promise, for say 4 weeks to be generous, and it starts as such a giving relationship. But then the one party who started the whole thing with a promise of friendship. (you know what that is to me, a real friendship??? It's like the best gift I would have ever gotten) decides you know...I have gotten all I need here, I'm done, she's nuts and boy does she go on and on, and guess what I thought I liked her but I don't ....hu. I really don't. Her work here is done. Good bye. Click. And I sincerely never hear another genuine word from them in a year. That is extremely painful. Amazing stick-to-it-iveness never ever ever looking back, bribed me with friendship, and never gave me one.
So I have sat here like an idiot waiting for that friendship that will never come. Through the grapevine found out that I am referred to as a "stalker" in a very small circle. So now I am a stalker too.
This is how healing DOES NOT occur quickly. I think this is how people turn "weird." I think this is how you see those people digging out of garbage cans and live on the street. I can totally imagine myself there. Anyone I speak to, I keep my distance. I try so so hard to keep my distance. I remember 2 ears 1 mouth. I am with them for their needs. It may be flawed thinking, but it is real and a safety net for me. You see, If I am "too much", "good for only a few jollies", "easily thrown in the garbage", "never thought of again, except like trash", "and like a stalker" AND "100% guilty, even though I didn't start it but was bribed by a friendship" I am not going to go out there. I am not going to make a friend. I am going to be leery of my current friends. I don't want to do that to them. This is how someone slowly goes crazy. They (or I) go crazy because people need people. They need closeness and bonding. They need to feel comfortable to talk to someone without feeling worried, guilty, ashamed, A friend.
In conclusion, I am very ill right now, I am not going to use it as a crutch. I am going to accept it as my lifestyle. It is who I am, It is who I have been since 1982. And if I stay away from people I wont hurt them. I just had to explain. Because most of you who read my blog, I fear you feel left in the dark as to what is going on with me. But I can't speak in details because it would be to revealing and hurtful for the other party involved and that I don't want. I am working extremely hard to move forward. Forward is a awkward movement. Someday I may break free. I really might. I have hurt people a long my 47 year journey. I have taken blame for other people because I care for that other persons situation. All the stuff that some of you have probably lived through.
If you ever see a disheveled looking lady hanging around a park and digging in garbage cans with a chicken and a bearded dragon that will probably be me. But by that point I will be happy.
And just for the record: I think I would have been a good friend. I think I would have been fun. I think I would have had a lot of exciting weird stories to tell about my travels and just life working and living with wild animals. I think I would have been a good listener of stories. I think I would have been a real good friend. But those days have waned and are kind of gone now. k~
I am pretty sure most of us can relate to that question. Should have, would have, could have, all day long for me some times. That doesn't get me very far. I also think that those of us that use these words and think this way kind of get in a ritualistic habit of using them to beat ourselves up. We get so good at using these words we can us them in one fell swoop.
"Man, I should have thought the entire thing through much more carefully. Then I would have enjoyed things while they lasted. Instead, I ruined everything, to think of what I could have had. Sigh."
I am learning to rework the way my mind thinks in DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy). I am trying to replace/remove should have, would have, could have, with far less judgmental thinking. Judgmental thinking? all day and night just about myself, that's it, everyone else, for the most part, is off limits. My philosophy is that it isn't my place to judge others, I have no idea the life they have lived, but I know me.
So along with all my other quests I seem to be on, I am going to add this one trek to the journey.
I have things to do and paths to take. This little example is only representing myself healing from judgmental stances against myself.
Something that I have been told frequently is that "I am not my diagnosis". I have been thinking about this for of course quite some time. Usually when I bring up my contradictory opinion regarding this, I get much resistance. I am told "You are NOT your diagnosis." For a bit, I agreed. I thought, ya...I am not. I am an entire person with a lot to add to society.
But it didn't sit well with me. Tonight, I started to think about it differently. When a person has a physical illness, they are not that illness or diagnosis alone, they are a whole person that happens to have a particular diagnosis of an illness. When it happens to be a mental diagnosis, I think it needs to looked at a bit differently. Ones personality is formed in the mind. Ones personality is created in the brain. Ones memories are kept in the brain. Ones learning happens in the brain. Who you are is who your brain is. So that makes me:
So.... after my big blog a while back about Silent mental illness, I am sure to some, it rang in as a "poor me", "I am pathetic", I just want that junior high answer of "oh no you're not crazy or fat or ugly" you know the comments, that type of blog post. Actually, I apologize if it came across that way. Rick and I go in rounds about my Blog. Ever since I have been writing it, he hasn't read it, but he does have strong opinions on it. He edits for me sometimes so I guess in some capacity he has read it in a choppy sort of way. He actually hates my blog. Those words came right from his mouth. Not to say he's wrong. I just sometimes like an editor and he's it. I guess I just need to edit it myself and put it out there to be scrutinized by the masses of 2 or 3 :) There were 3 reasons for my blog posts. The first is to let everyone know that we are a 100% silent mental illness family. The second is to let anyone reading this to know I have some "street cred" when it comes to the Mind and how it works in the world around us. And thirdly, I like to post about my day to day life in my chaotic home of many many animals, plants and minerals, with 5 people that have "special needs". It is usually never boring around here. Before our first born, I was working with about 18 people for 6 hours a day in an assisted living home. These 18 people had dementia to some degree or another. I was the "teacher", and this was "school". I hope that helps paint a picture of how far along in their dementia they were. It was improv every day! I loved it, and I loved them. I loved to help them, entertain them, learn something new from them, and share in their journey. I felt privileged to be a part of their lives, every day. So that is what began my journey of looking more closely into Silent mental illness. If you were to walk in the room at almost any given time, our group would look like several people just sitting around a table listening to what was going on in the world that day while I read the paper. My advocacy had begun there in that assisted living facility. I needed to often advocate for my residents to the non afflicted residents, shall we say. Some of the non afflicted residents would not share an elevator with those who had dementia, because they were too afraid that dementia was contagious. Many times we would patiently explain that that was not the case, but they would leave the elevator anyway. It made for very hard feelings. I had no idea how much a part of my life advocacy would become. 'I have learned so much these 17 years, well, kind of 19 years, about explaining what is happening, what someone may need, what goes on at home. I have learned to be relentless. That is hard to do. It is annoying and I can see it in peoples eyes. They want you to go away or they completely disagree with you about your suggestions, or what you are suggesting seems like too much work. I know, that's what I think when the therapist's or Dr.'s tell me "This is what we are going to try....." but how else are you going to know? Everyone is so different. Everyone's mind is so complex. We have to give people young, middle and old an opportunity to live rich and full lives the best we know how. That is my goal. It has always been my goal I guess, ever since I started to volunteer in the nursing home my mother worked at, I was 5. k~
I would love to start talking about silent mental illness. Last year I was gearing up to start talking about this very topic on my blog, ironically I came down with severe depression at that time. Since this blog is coming from my own personal experience as a mother, a wife and a sufferer, I don't want anyone to get the impression that this is how it is for everyone, this has been my journey. I can only imagine that some of you out there will read it and it might look familiar. I suppose as I talk about silent mental illness I should describe what I personally am talking about. I am talking about the illnesses that can be very easily either overlooked or labeled as something else. An illness that is so serious that it can encompass the entire family. Ones that have touched my life are anxiety, depression, ADD, ADHD, severe separation anxiety, severe sleeping disorder, and now boarder personality disorder. The reason I call these conditions silent, is because most of the time the person is either not presenting behaviors because their medication is working or, they may look as if all they are demonstrating other types of behaviors, "bad behaviors", "inattentive", "rudeness" and/or "unfriendly" but certainly not a medical condition. A condition or combination of conditions can seriously affect the person who is suffering and it can affect their caregivers, family and friends around them. My experience started around 11 years of age, but that is probably just when I can remember more clearly circumstances, words spoken to me, and consequences. I am sure I had it most of my life. I say this now, because of my youngest child who has sounded like me from an extremely young age. So I have felt it for about I'd say about 36 years. When I was young, I was not offered help. No meds or counseling. I just had to cope and the way to do that was stuffing the pain, tears, fears, and worries and moving on. Laughing a lot instead of crying. I met Rick and he and I married. He knew I was a mess (I tease him, that in the natural world he would have eaten me if he were a lion and I were an injured or ill gazelle, so well kind of his fault for taking me on :). Together we had 3 beautiful and extremely smart children. I mean really smart. As it turns out, all 3 have a somewhat serious case of a silent mental disorder. Of course that is what they got from me! and all the mental illness from Rick. No no no......I kid.... Our girl is the oldest. She has ADD. For most of her very young life she spent aloof. I thought she had hearing problems. She would trip over bikes in the yard. Or get sucked into anything that was on TV. She would work for hours and hours on a paper. One time she wrote a 10 page introduction to a paper she needed to write, and that was in 4th grade. She would always get "lost" in what ever she got involved in. She, however, has always been a very verbal about her ADD. She is a very strong advocate for her own self. This helps me and her dad. Our second child is a boy. He came out needing his mommy. We family bed him in the hospital. I was under a lot of stress during his pregnancy, and that is what they say adds to all the chaos to the precious baby en uterus, nice mom. He really experienced a lot. When he was just a newborn he did not like being held by anyone other than mom or dad. He was very heavy (10lb 15oz) but looked really skinny. He slept through the night so infrequently that if he ever did, I woke up ans was sure the entire family had died. He was finally tested and shown he had Sever separation anxiety from me and from Rick. He had a sleeping disorder. He slept 3-4 hours a night. He walked at 10 months., He was a tight snuggler and had no boundaries. He was diagnosed with depression in 1st grade along with his sleep disorder and his sever separation anxiety. Along with that, he had sensory integration issues. This Through all this I was with him and supporting him. Cora was a frequent visitor to his appointments. It was there we discovered she needed Physical therapy for her poor trunk control. So this begins too. Then comes Sam. FUNNY! He was always funny and still is. He's charming and very smart. But he was born without self esteem. So even when he was getting us to laugh, he hated when we laughed. And if we didn't laugh he got so upset that we didn't find him funny. It was and still is a balancing act of which way should we take this, he's funny, do we react or should we pretend not to notice. 13 years ago Rick had acute depression. It came on very very quickly. It was job related. I worried about him constantly. At the time I had a very thriving Pampered Chef business and making pretty good money and earning free trips and product. It was then that I had to slow my business down. December 2014 I became completely inactive and no longer sell Pampered chef. It came from Love for my husband and for my family. I could no longer have as many shows at night after that fateful depression and slowly veeerrrryyy slowly my business went down down down. Then I got sick and I let it go a drift. I just could't manage it anymore.
Me and my anxiety is all I knew. One fateful appointment to a marriage counselor, telling the same stories I have before, but this time for some reason, BOOM! depression hit and it dropped on me and it stayed. The professionals called it that for about 10 months until I entered the program I am in now. They call it Borderline Personality Disorder. Yes, I am embarrassed to tell everybody. Yes, I was surprised I had something like this. No, I don't have every symptom, but, I have enough. I have lost friends, made enemies, I have lost my short term memory, I have lost my ability to organize, I am sad most of the time, I feel inadequate, frustrated, and sorry. But I try, too. I try every day to work towards health. I have made different friends and have kept a safe distance from what makes me nervous or more anxious. I have taken my crafts and art and writing more seriously. I don't sell anything. I don't think I am up to that caliber yet, but it bring me some joy in my life. Sharing it on Facebook and with people who happen to come over or go to coffee with me is enough. That has to count for something. Listed below are several links to the disorders that I have touched on. By all means there is way more information and experience out there, but it gives you a good idea if you are just interested. Autism or mild dementia can appear to be a silent illness too. This is a topic that I will be bringing up often in my blog. I also will be bring in my art and my animals as well as other random things that happen. Thanks for the time you took to get through this lengthy post, I had to do this post sometime. Trust me it took WAY longer for me to write it than for you to read it. k~ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20023204 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/attention-deficit-disorder-adhd-in-children.htm http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/basics/symptoms/con-20032977 http://www.patient.co.uk/health/anxiety http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Sensory+Integration+Disorder http://www.childmind.org/en/health/disorder-guide/separation-anxiety-disorder
