"Nature does not create its beauty in a day. When the seeds are deep in the soil, it is hard for us to imagine the fruits that will someday emerge."
Bill McLaughlin
Of the 3 Chickens, Studio has finally started laying eggs. She has been for about a month now. She liked to lay them under the coop. As we are approaching winter, I have not wanted any of them to get used to laying any eggs under the coop for obvious convenience reasons. So, I had Rick board around the coop. The next thing I know we are hearing quite a ruckus, noises that I had not heard before. I ran outside and went to the coop. There was Studio trying desperately to get under the coop.
Studio
(It is very hard to take pictures of chickens, I think, they move SO much.)
So I took Studio into the coop and sat down with her. I put her where she should be laying her eggs. I said gently "This is where you lay your eggs Studio. This is where hey go." So she scratched and scratched and squatted and clucked. Then she did this over and over again. Finally after a while she bit my hand and I said "Ok, enough is enough, you go on your way."
The next day I needed to get oyster shells, grit, and organic seed mix as a suppliant with their pellets. When I was at Eggplant, I saw 2 ceramic eggs (they were quite expensive) in a package. They recommended them to me to get the hens to lay where they should. I got home and decided that I could tell the real from the ceramic and put the 2 ceramic in their coop where I wanted them to lay. Just a note, it's not so easy to to tell them apart.
So here is where I got schooled.....
The next morning when I got up and went to feed the chickens, there were 2 eggs laying close together by their chair that sits in a corner of their run far away from their coop, I went to the coop and inside was laying an egg.
I stood up. What was I looking at? 3 eggs. That means one is real. A chicken really rolled one or both of the ceramic eggs out of the coop, down the ramp and over to the side of the chair. I took all 3
in and washed them off. Then I tested them. The 2 by the chair, one was real and one was ceramic. The one in the coop was ceramic.
Somehow Studio laid an egg outside, and chose to roll out a ceramic egg next to it as if to tell me "NO I LAY MY EGG OUT HERE!"
All I could do is laugh. Those smart crazy little women. k~
Recently, there have been suicidal triggers going on around me. I often think of my friend Steve who held it together for so long. He was just a breath of sunshine. His smile warmed any room. But he suffered so, emotionally and physically. Then there were those ladies that had jumped off the high bridge. The one that was at the end of August was an elementary friend of my sons. We are very sad as a family. We didn't keep close once David left that school, but she still brought joy to us. One of our favorite family sayings is from her "I played baseball, I was good" We'll miss you. Throughout my 18 month bout with depression and diagnosis of BPD I have suffered from suicidal ideations and self injurious thinking off and on and it comes and goes still. I guess I had been in this frame of mind in June and just recently. In June I found myself at the very very end of my rope. I was overwhelmed with the way things were not working out with me, that certain relationships were a disaster, I felt I was being blamed for things exclusively that were not completely my fault. I was being told how things were going to be. I was given the cold shoulder for so long and no way of speaking to the right person so I could understand what was going on around me. Choices were being made about me and for me. On my own in my depressive condition, I would just talk myself into telling myself I was a terrible person and there was no way of making things right. At the very last end of my rope, I reached out. Was I skillful NO. But at least I tried as best as I could to get some facts and some help. I asked the person if they would help me. The answer.. NO. It's a detailed story why I would reach out to certain people, and that will not be shared here. Believe me, at such desperate times in the life of someone who has depression, suicidal ideations, and a huge sense of abandonment, it is normal to reach out to those that you may have wronged for forgiveness, or you may reach out to those who have felt that low before for real understanding. The irony of the entire story... I just wanted to be friends. Just friends. So what am I trying to say in this Blog? What is this message about? Well it's not just me spewing my own feeling everywhere. It is a lesson of mistakes and forgiveness, keeping up a give and take relationship no matter how shallow or deep the relationship is and don't overlook things that have been laid right in front of you . Life is short. It moves quickly. But moments can be long and meaningful if you give them the time they deserve. Take the time a relationship needs to build. But never ever be afraid to step over lines when it comes to someones life. Pick up the phone, listen, remind them that they are loved. You see, it is not healthy for you to surround yourself with sick people. It is not healthy to keep up toxic friendships. What is important to remember, however, is that if you were hanging on the edge of the bridge, would you want someone to care? Would you have wanted someone to care before you walk to the bridge? Think to yourself how much courage it took for that person to actually pick up the phone or text you when they hate themselves and "know" you loath them and then ask for help from you. Think about how impossible that would be. Could you do that now when you are feeling fine? Think about it when you are ill, very ill. Suicide is forever. And even to the person who wants it SO BAD, it may make no sense at all. So try and reflect on the times you may have not had time for a friend that just needed a shoulder. Ultimately it is their choice to die. If they do kill themselves by themselves it is their responsibility. But I know first hand that help can be given when people treat others like people. Everyone has flaws but I think everyone wants to be loved and wants to belong. Some people need more than one chance, sometimes 2,3,4 but the one thing is for sure, they deserve to live. k~
Medusa is my beautiful adopted morph corn snake. She came to me from a retired science teacher, I had 2 tortuous from her all ready. One tortuous has sadly passed but Natasha is still with us.
She, Medusa, had grown the habit of biting and Eileen (the school teacher) was wondering if I could get her to stop doing that. She also wondered if I could give her the holding that Medusa needed.
I started right away by holding her and getting to know her. When we first had her, she struck out constantly. When I would vacuum, Sam would hold her and she would strike out at me over and over. By this time, however, she had never once broken the skin.
Only once did she break skin, that one day she decided my had needed to be bitten. I remember just scolding her. "Medusa! I don't have time for this! you know that! Now just stop it." Looking back I found it funny that I was yelling at a snake that wasn't even listening and for sure not caring about what had just happened.
Still makes me laugh, like I think she's taking notes.
Ironically, Medusa loves to slide through my ponytail and then she likes to slide up on the top of my head. That's where she likes to sit.
She loves her bathtub swims. She could swim for hours, but I only give her an hour.
Over the last few months she has slowed down. I have been watching her closely. She hasn't eaten in 2 months now. Snakes can go quite some time with out eating, so I am not panicked about it... yet. It's just sad to watch animals age. It's possibly time for a vet visit.
Here are some beautiful pictures of Medusa.
Medusa is just over 5 feet. She enjoys her baths very much.
Since she has stopped eating, she has lost weight. Now her spine is quite visible.
She is very sweet and lovable now. We are very glad to have her as part of our menagerie. k~
You, who are on the road must have a code that you can live by. And so become yourself because the past is just a good bye. Teach your children well, their father's hell did slowly go by, And feed them on your dreams, the one they fix, the one you'll know by. Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry, So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.
And you, of the tender years can't know the fears that your elders grew by, And so please help them with your youth, they seek the truth before they can die. Teach your parents well, their children's hell will slowly go by, And feed them on your dreams, the one they fix,the one you'll know by. Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry, So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.
Two days before we needed to bring our daughter down to Gustavus for college someone decided that it would be entertaining in some way to take a huge rock and smash our truck window. For some reason I have yet to be upset about this action in perhaps the usual way. I have to admit that my fright, fight, faint, flee or freeze reactions are almost nil these days, but all that came to mind was the song by CSN "Teach your children". This song just kept going over in my mind. What struck me was that if you look at both verses, it takes in account, any age choosing to be unskillful. They allow anyone to act in the moment. Only the person or people involved know motive behind this act. I'm sure that they were just walking by saw the rock and said "this would be funny". I am sure it was just: rock, window, good feeling, goodbye.
Recently, I did the shaving cream lecture for my kids. If you haven't it is a really good kind of powerful visual. All three had something to say about what they saw and what they felt when I said, "now put the shaving cream back". I believe it really showed them that it is easy and fast to hurt someone, but not easy at all to recant words and actions once they're out there. The rock has been thrown, the window broken, the plans shifted. We had a very successful move in day. All is going well. Rick might be driving to Mankato tomorrow for a computer issue, but overall things are going good. k~
It's kind of funny. When I stop and think about what I do every morning for my menagerie, all I can do is smile. I am amazed that I do so much and yet it seems so little, perhaps because it seems so routine to me by now.
Eyes, eyes, eyes, everywhere, with feet paddling, beaks clicking, splashing, glass clicking, mouths open, meows, dishes clanking across the floor, kind of like an odd music piece. It is quite impossible to overlook what is needed for these little critters.
I accept that this is the beginning of my morning. A fresh day. A day that starts with a once over on health and wellness of the each animal. Then it is an assessment of each habitats water or tank of water, then the habitat it'self. I follow with lights on for everyone and a hardy good morning. Not everyone is so excited to see me. Fancis for one, could really care less whether it is morning or night. Quailly is a spaz day and night, no matter what time. The turtles always think it's meal time and lastly, the 4 lizards are ready with their escape plan at any moment.
I do a morning feeding for some, an afternoon feeding for others and a evening feeding for rest. It's amazing how all of this information has stayed steady in my brain through my bought with being sick. For that I am very grateful. Some make it easy for me not to forget them, others however, are so quiet that it would be so easy to forget.
My cousin Steve posted an article about my dad from the Cambridge Star. I thought it curious that the word menagerie was used in it. Cambridge never did get a museum going, but I think the town missed out. I always wanted to learn more about the heritage of the people who settled here. I also think it would have been very educational to have an area that was filled with thing from far away lands. I am sure my dad wasn't the only one that went on exotic adventures to far away lands.
Closer to our home, I remember our house of menagerie. It was ever changing it's members, but we always had inhabitants. In my house we always had lizards hanging from our curtains. We had turtles roaming around our house. They were potty trained. When they came to eat they would go on the paper the food would be on. It was very convenient. Kangaroo Rats with their super big feet and ears and long tale with a big fluff at the end, were some of my favorites.
Kangaroo Rat
Horny toads the more awesome of lizards.
We had many lizards that hung from our curtains.
chuckwalla
iguana
We also had snakes, snakes, snakes a plenty to feed and care for.
Boa Constrictor
Diamondback Rattlesnake
Then there were the turtles in the bathtub. We didn't have a shower, so we had to take out the turtles, wash the bathtub, fill the bath tub for us to take a bath. Then when we were finished, we needed to wash the bathtub to remove all the soap residue, fill the bathtub to the right temperature, and then put the turtles back into the tub. They were just roaming around the floor while I would bathe. I know they were enormous, and had sharp sharp claws. My dad called them sliders. So I don't know if we had them because they were the invasive species Red Eared Slider that originally come from Asia. So we kept them out of the lakes. But they were abnormally HUGE!!
So that is a tiny look into my life as a child with animals. Many more stories to come. Hope you enjoyed it. Please feel free to comment. k~
Just a break in every topic on my blog to say THANK YOU!! Thanks for all wonderful birthday wishes today. My day was really special. This morning my sister came over, and we let the chickens out to roam the yard. I also brought out Quailly and put him in our outdoor pen. He crowed like a tiny rooster almost the entire time. Then we went shopping for Cora, because she is off to the BWCA tomorrow. Built a new cricket farm have yet to start it. Then there was super and the cake. Oh I forgot Francis was out. I got a great big birthday poop from him for my birthday. So I also got a birthday shower whether I needed it or not. Yeah for me :) So a few Bob's Burgers and off to bed for me. Out with my sisters tomorrow morning for Birthday 2. I will post one of my cake photos, just because it's chocolate ice cream cake :) Thanks again! k~
I think it has taken me so long to get to my next group of wonderful animals, because believe it or not they are incredibly hard to photograph, at least for me. They are constantly moving. Group shots are really hard to photograph and get all of them clear and looking at the camera. I love my chickens. They won't even lay eggs for 4 or 5 more months. So I have 3 chickens. All were born on the same day but of course being different types of chickens they are all different sizes and have very different personalities.
Mama Cosmo (Mama) She was the leader for most of the time when she lived in the house. Since the chickens have been in the yard, leadership has changed a bit. She is a Wyandotte chicken. They will be laying brown eggs. Her personality now is mostly a timid and scared. She does not like being held as much as the other 2.
Studio (Sweet Pea or Studio 54) She is a Austrolorp She is the leader now. She spent all of her time in the house do super ditzy things and was always last to learn a new chicken skill. She was by far a big airhead. I then started to call her Studio 54 for that reason and Studio stuck. Now in the yard, she is the leader. The other 2 follow her and keep and eye on what she is doing. She doesn't mind being held. She doesn't love it but doesn't fight me or Sam either. She is also very talkative. And YES I do talk chicken all the time to them. They do respond to me and come over.
Buff (Buff McNaughten) She is a Buff Opington chicken. We called Buff, Buff McNaughten after a hemit that lived in the woods by Gull lake. He knew my father in laws dad and my father in law. So when we saw that name we knew even though she was a girl she had to have that name. She has always been the shyest. She has always seemed like the youngest even though they are the same age.
Mmmm Mangos
Running free!!
Night time. Here they are in their Coop. They make so much noise when they settle down for the night, it's kind of funny to just sit and listen to them. I know what they are doing. One chicken gets settled and then another one comes in and steals it, and so on. This goes on and on. Then all is quiet. k~
For those of you that only follow my blog, I need to send an update.
Qauilly is officially a boy.
With quail there is a specific test one can do to determine if it is male or female. If you squeeze their bottom and a foam ball comes out, it's a boy, no questions asked. And well, the other day, it happened. I know, I know.
Quailly has been crowing loudly around the house for a few weeks know (another sign of a male) but I just though "it could be Quailly singing her beautiful song"... denial. I really wanted a girl. I was hoping so for a girl so there would be no need to have Quailly fixed.
But alas my luck is often tilted in the "not your way girl friend" So I will have 2 Quail and a huge vet bill some day, and I will love them both. Sigh. k~
I thought I would start with Quailly since as of today, he/she is the newest to the menagerie. The way I am figuring he/she was born in the week of June 10th. which makes he/she 6 weeks. We hope to know if he/she is a he or a she. There are ways that are not working. SOOOO......I just need to wait for an egg to drop out. That begins at around 7 or 8 weeks! Really?? The male gender should be obvious by now, All you need to do is squeeze their butts and a big white foam bubble is supposed to come out. Well this quail here is just peeing a little and getting pretty irritated at me. For the life of me I can't get it to work right so, I just wait. Hey... I guess we all wait :)
I adopted her from the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center. He/she needs a covey so I guess our Menagerie is hers/his covey. Sam put her in the doll house I am totally redoing. This is one of the unfinished rooms. She LOVED the bed. She/he sat and picked at the blanket for minutes and minutes.
Then there are other things that Quailly enjoys She/he loves to be held, A LOT. She also loves being rocked, sometimes asleep.
It's just crazy how she loves this so much. I do this daily.
So birds are so new to my menagerie and so new to me. I just love my Chickens and I love my Quail.
Oh yes and Quailly makes this very load call now. Lots of cooing and quiet peeps but then there are these screams. She/he will do this if she/he hears my voice and I don't go and see her right away.
Sometimes the list of my animals can be hard to make, because I have so many. I also get new adoptees and rescues often, so the list gets added to. I think that a current list might be helpful and then I promise I will get some photos in here. I do have several running down the side :) There are so many stories that go along with my animals some are hard to forget and some are fun to remember. The List: 1 Quail 3 Chickens 7 Water Turtles 4 Land Turtles 2 Snakes 1 Arboreal Frog 2 Water Frogs 6 Lizards 1 Millipede 2 Bunny's 1 Hamster 1 Cat 1 Dog 2 Fresh Water Parrot Fish Several Large Feeder Goldfish 1 Tank of small fish 3 Pools outside 2 With Brown Gold Fish 1 With Bullhead 1 Cricket Farm 1 Meal Worm Bin 1 Meal Worm Egg Bin 1 Meal Worm Beetle and Pupa Bin 1 Super Worm Beetle and Egg Bin 1 Super Worm Bin (for growing up) 1 Super Worm Bin (for feeding Beardies) 1 Super Worm Incubation Bin (From Worm to Pupa to Beetle) 1 Carnivorous Plant that I have to special water and feed I don't think I am forgetting anyone. I think I have them all listed. So that is my Menagerie. That is who I care for daily, along with my 3 lovely children, oh and husband. I love it. It makes me happy. k~
So as I said before, I am shifting topics on my blog and moving forward. I have decided to mix it up a bit and focus on my menagerie of fantastic exotic animals and a few domestic ones. Our house is a zoo, a haven, a rescue center, a place where the unwanted go. What ever you want to call it, animals are welcome here. At the moment every Phyla is represented. If you are a bit rough on your Animal Phyla, I will refresh you.
So many of you already know about all of my animals. I look forward to share my Menagerie.
I have also had the great advantage of doing some extensive traveling in my life. I did a lot when I was quite young and again when I started college and beyond.
Much of my travels as a child are not easy to forget. They are filled with fantastic true stories and wonderful almost unbelievable tales that I am sure some will leave you not believing them.
Lastly, I really have no where to display my art, crochet, and other various projects I pick up along my way. So from time to time I am going to put them here. I am really not sure why.
So that is it. This is my new format of this blog. On the right column, there is a space for updates. I don't expect that will be changing soon, often or detailed. It is just not prudent right now.
Thanks so much for hanging on if you do and thanks for reading if you don't.
I am living under a cloud of regret. It's not so much a depression, but a true regret in sharing my diagnosis. I had no idea that what I was being diagnosed with was so hideous. For someone who has cared about what people think about her, my entire life, THIS was not something that I should have let out to the public. I have been told that it is just a label and I am the same person before the diagnosis as I am after, But this time it isn't quite true. I am suffering from depression (yes still) medically and emotionally. Where as, before the diagnosis I was JUST suffering from depression. I have read article after article from very good sources about BPD regarding the dislike of a person with this diagnosis. It has been confirmed over and over again. We are toxic humans. WOW! wow... I didn't know that. wow. I have lost friends. since the diagnosis. I'm not cuddly, I am losing myself. It has been hard to explain. So I am going to stop explaining it. It is just an awful, terrible label to live with and to know that this has been me maybe even forever. It makes me what to just crawl right out of my skin. Apologize to everyone I know and run away. This IS a real thing and it in no way draws any empathy of any kind from those around you. I am sorry for those who are receiving this diagnosis today or have had to deal with this for a long time. I wish I had know then what I know now. I would have NEVER shared my label, that's for sure. It's super lonely in here. It's icky in here. And for the first time in my life when I directly asked for someones help I was told "no, I won't help you" if that shows how this label, diagnosis, personality, does not draw sympathy from others I don't know what will. People who know your label forget you have anything else like depression too or anxiety they just see trouble. Keep it in the shadows. Don't let it out. Borderline Personality Disorder is not embraced by society like alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. It is even lower. k~
In the last year and a half I have found out more about the brain then I care to know. I was always good at anatomy. I was the kid in college that people lined up to check out my notes after class. I was the one who got the A+ or the 110 out of 100, that isn't even possible in college. Then I had to take anatomy again for some post graduate classes as well as Medical terminology. After working among medical records and doctors orders as well as PT and OT orders for a few years in a rehab center of a nursing home, medical terminology became a second language to me. I also became used to the looks that came with some terms and diagnoses. I was able to hone some skills and understanding of what was going on with certain patients around me. I am not just tooting my own horn, I simply wanted to load my credentials in order to yet again show the following cartoon.
Cartoon by Kirsten Walsh 2014. All rights reserved. No coping without permission from Kirsten.
This is a very beat up cartoon and it is time for a clean and updated one to emerge. I did however want to share it again. It, in my opinion, can't be shared enough. Whenever I have approached my metal illness or my children's metal illness as of late, it appears that most of the professionals, ironically consider certain of the mental illnesses that stem from the brain, are stemming from a brain found outside of the body. Once when i was trying to figure out about these horrible headaches i was having, I went to a Neurologist. He ordered a Cat-scan of my head and sure enough, there it was, my brain. lodged right there in my skull cavity. From that moment on, I became a true believer of the the brain being part of ones body. It should be treated as such. That said, like the ocean itself, the brain has barely been touched when it comes to scientific research. This includes all fields that are not excluded to mental illness. There is mental wellness of the brain, anti-socialism, how we learn in different environments under different nutritional allotments, PTSD, Alzheimer's, and the like. Much research has been started but much has not been ended, completed due to our vast expanse of our brain. The only thing we know for sure about our brain without a doubt, is that out brain is INSIDE our body and should be treated as such. It is a member of all the body systems. It should not be excluded nor shunned if it might have a problem. It should not be looked down upon if a new diagnosis path comes along. It is a member of our body and should be treated as such. I I am compelled to end with a dah. but that would be looked upon as juvenile and I don't want to do that. k~
Our annual trip to Gull Lake has come to an end. We had a very nice time. The kids just love playing with their cousins. It really was lovely.
Usually I don't have "goal" on a vacation. But one thing I needed was to calmly open my mind to healing possibilities. I knew I had a huge hurdle to jump before any of that could happen and I put on my big girl pants and did it. I needed to make a phone call to the one person I felt could help me out through some of my healing. I was extremely unskillful and for that, I am sorry. I talked over that person quite a bit. But when I asked, no pleaded for them to help me, they said no. They, one of the people that could help, a lot, said to me no I will not help you. It felt painful, heart wrenching, confusing and many other feelings. One thing that happened was that with in 24 hours after having a much needed conversation and then another with one more person, pieces started to fall into place. Lies started to appear. And to shorten an extremely long and devastating piece of my mental health decline, I actually caught someone in a pivotal lie. One that involved my life, my well being, my getting better, my moving forward into wellness. I heard the lies that had created the anchor attached to my ankle. The one that tied me to the bottom of the pit.
Yesterday was the first day I have felt just a slight lilt in my step. I had a smile on my face now and again, I laughed once or twice. I was present. I am the Huge part of my own problems. There is so much stuff to dig through that it will be a while before I feel safe to be me out in the open. But when I was on the phone and showed my most vulnerable side to this someone and said I really truly needed their help, they said no I won't help you. It was stunning, overwhelming and saddening.
I am not the only one that created my cage or bricks and slim in my well. Others happily placed them at their on convenience and for their own pleasure. It was fun for them to see me crumble. I wonder how much fun it will be for them to see me rise out of the pit I have so long been trapped in. It will happen. Now that I know they blame me for it all in their sick way. They can "save the country" but not a person. They can lie and manipulate someone who was so excited for a true friendship and got sicker and no friendship because I was too much and considered a stalker. This week I will not be surprised if a no contact order comes to Rick and I. Ironically I don't think I will be stalking this person anytime soon.
So a long ramble about what I came up with on my vacation, I am really proud of myself for taking that leap of reaching out for help where I felt help was. I am really proud of making another phone call for checking the facts, even though I fear the facts were scripted and not so factual. It was what the person told me.
I finished my painting and I finished a small watercolor. I got some great marbles. I also got some other wonderful shopping in. It was super nice time with Rick. Just a nice time. I'd say in my condition it was a great time. I loved being with my kids and see them actually get along for most of the time. Bing was a barking dog at a cabin. Rick and I did some snuggling and he and I did some sorta fishing. It was nice.
Well it's that time of year again. The time of year that we migrate to the Northern part of Minnesota for "relaxation and fun" We have been going up every year since Sam was 3 years old. Sam is now 13.
Mostly for me, it is a week of judgments on my parenting, ie: what I feed my kids, I'm not watching them enough, do they have enough sunscreen on, this and that and on and on. Of course, I have both male and female parts and created them on my own. That means, according to the Walsh family, I am the only parent, and therefore the only one responsible for caring for my children while up at the lake.
It will be interesting this year to see how I get ridiculed about my childrens care: my children of 18, 16 and 13.
For many years I cared for my beloved mother in law. She was such a dear and as the years went on things got harder so I stuck around to chat with her. I took them in our cabin, because none of the others wanted to deal with what came with geriatric needs. My father in law yelled and barked orders at me for the entire week and the orders and yelling grew nastier every year. I never yelled back, however, first, because he wouldn't listen to a woman, but second i really never wanted to. I wanted his time at Gull Lake to be a really good one. I wanted it to be a special time, every time.
This year I have the added drive up to the resort for 4 hours. I need to drive the truck. The boys are going to be taking the NOVA for the first time! It is a very exciting time for them. They have been waiting for this for a long long time. That means I am left to drive the white loaded down truck on my own!!! I will be alone, because my medication is not good for driving, so I don't want anyone in the truck with me. Saturday at 6 AM I am heading out in anticipation of many stops. All the in laws will be chomping at the bit for the motor that goes on the boat. And I will have it. So hurry hurry. With all my stops to clear my head so not to swerve into another lane, I think it will take about 6 hours instead of the 4 hours it should.
Lastly, a person, that last year really devastated me, and he and his wife have continued to make my healing extremely difficult, belongs to the National Guard. And Yeah... Gull Lake resort is right next to camp ripely. They fire those damn cannons day and night. They are suppose to be done by midnight (nice) but actually they fire them until about 12:15 AM or later. With total disregard for those that surround them. Rude!!! So every time the cannons go off I get to remember these 2 people that treat me like trash and consider me nothing more than an old piece of gum that they scraped off their show a year ago, I am still hurting tremendously.
Why not stay home? Well I don't want to disappoint my family. I am a HUGE disappointment anyway, and I don't want to be even a bigger one. My kids want me there. Rick could care less and never spends a moment with me, but my kids want me to go, besides who is going to drive the truck. I need to be up there. Judgments, horrible reminders and all. k~
One of the most challenging steps to live a dialectic behavioral life is to give in and believe yourself a wreck and know that you need to rework most of yourself. I find myself very tired all the time. It's hard work to work on oneself for over a year and a half.
There is a song that I listen too. The words are amazing and quite uplifting. I think it's time for me to work on my brain pain. As I care for each pain with Fibromyalgia and really ignore the diagnosis. The diagnosis of Fibromyalgia makes me ashamed. It is extremely real to me. I live it every day but to most others it isn't very real. It is mostly unexplained traveling pain. It hurts however, quite bad I might add. Others, quite a few, don't believe in it. Many have questioned its validity to my face. So I usually just mumble it or leave the diagnosis out when speaking to intake nurses or doctors. This is how I am beginning to react to BPD. I get each symptom taken care of. There is no pill for BPD. There are pills for voices, visions, ruminations, perseverations, depression, anxiety, pain, etc. but none for BPD. I am ashamed of the diagnosis. I didn't know, at the beginning that I was supposed to be ashamed BPD. Here on this very venue I am typing away, telling everyone that I have this illness, and the longer I go on the more I find out, people don't want to know about "it". I didn't know that people thought it was either not real or the diagnosis was disgusting.
Someone very wise told me it's just a name or title, it's not all of you. True.
Rick said "I've never seen a more accurate description of you in writing... ever, barring a few symptoms. You've been this way as long as I've known you." Super great, but accurate and true.
Any way you slice it, I have them both and they aren't going away.
So back to the song, Cora's boyfriend Dylan shared this song with me. I have been a Tim Minchin fan, but had not heard this one. Once I did, I feel I had heard EXACTLY what I had been feeling and trying to express all along. I hope you get the heartfelt meaning behind this. It is truly amazing. And you know I don't know his biography, but it comes from someone who's been there, I guarantee it. Words like this can't be strung together with shallow intent. k~
Well maybe more like a small phoenix rising from the ashes. So not so itty bitty.
At the beginning of March 2015 my husband met with an individual asking and for the last time pleading with them to just meet with me. This individual was the major character other than myself keeping me stuck. I was stuck in a position on a fence, frozen unable to move one direction or the other. This is where I have been for at least a year. It has been an ugly hateful fence, filled with shame, guilt, sadness, confusion, depression, anxiety and the list goes on and on. This individual decided for themselves what was best for me and slammed a door shut and moved on. They never really looked back to see or care the damage that was done. Certainly I was in a very bad way independent from them as I said before, and this individual just made sure I was speared to the floor of this awful place, never to get up, and move on.
So back to now. When my husband pleaded with this individual pleaded for them to meet with me, they said "Yes, When, not if but when I do meet with her.........."so they did say they would, right? and the last thing my husband said was "Don't wait until June 1st. That would just be way to long." Well what is tomorrow?
So for the last month I have been observing the day approaching. The first half of May was, oh please oh please, oh please contact me and pull your head out of your ass. The second half I slipped into wise mind (a DBT term) and simply stopped counting the days except I did focus on the June 1st, I will admit. As the last few days have gone by. I have been anxious, not a hopeful anxious, but an anxious of well this is it. it has been a year and I know I am a grown woman, but respectful resolve is not going to happen. Sometimes evil is not me. Sometimes evil lurks where you don't think it could.
Do I have plans for the day? One to distract myself? Yes, many plans, not because I need to keep busy so I don't fixate on the time turning to June 1st, although I kind of do, but because I am legitimately busy. I am going to work with Rick so I can spend time with him all day. I have DBT homework. I have 3 crochet projects I would like to finish, and then there is my art.
So as of June 1st. That nightmare is tucked away and is no more. If that individual is reading this and they can, there is I am sure a HUGE sigh of relief and they can move on with obviously a guilt free life which they have been for a year already, duh!!! I can move on an create my new normal.
Here's to a new normal and some people suck and some people don't. It's not all or none :)
As of late, I feel I am somewhere in the shadow. I feel like I am in that place in the darkness that if you move ever so slightly, a part of you might show. At moments I feel a sense of comfort there. Other moments I feel scared and long for someone to find me. Normally when I think of being in a shadow I think of them being silent. Something like walking into a sound booth of some kind. But for me life is never quiet, not even in the shadow. I have a constant high pitch squeal that has not let up for years. Sometimes it is louder than others, but loud would always be in it's description.
The other day my psychiatrist put me on a medication that takes strange voices and creepy visions away. Even the medication doesn't help the squeal go away.
So hear I stand in the shadow with my squealing ears and my racing brain, watching life go by, wasting minutes of valuable life. Watching. Waiting. Wondering. Worrying. Over what I couldn't possibly know. Sometimes it's family. Well often it is family. What will be come of them. How will they thrive? Where will they go? Who will they meet? Sometimes it about my husband directly. Will he ever seek out what he actually needs or deep down inside longs for. Will true happiness come his way. Will a wonderful wave of relaxation wash over him and he finds himself laughing and leaning back on a seat in a beautiful fishing boat, just enjoying the day.
I wait. My pain is mostly internal. Much of which it was a year and a half ago. December 2013 I never could have imagined what opportunities I would have and destroy so horribly and so quickly. I don't get second chances. Not the one for second chances. I have stopped believing in them, many months ago. If you were to watch me you would say I am a lier, but let me give you an analogy.
What I wait for in the darkened shadows, where I am just out of sight, where I am filled with pain that it is like an anchor that does not allow me to move is gone for good. It is fruitless to wait for. I wait for Joy. Pure Joy. I wait to actually look into someones eyes and really feel their love for me coming back at me filling me up with love. I don't necessarily mean in a romantic way, I mean love, compassion. A love that with one look lets me know I am ok just as I am right now, Standing in the darkness of the shadow.
Some of you have seen me quite animated. Some have seen me laugh. Some have seen me when I can not stop talking. Who is that you much wonder. Well that is me too. And that is where my Analogy begins. When you go to capture an Anole (small lizard) with your hands most often it's tail ends up dropping off. The tail can keep moving for up to 15 minutes after it is off the lizards body. I have timed and videoed one for 13 minutes. That is me. I am that tail. I am animated. Moving super fast at first and can last for quite a bit of time. Then since I am not attached to anything alive, I slowly run out of energy and my spirit falters, I begin to slow down and eventually stop. With no one around, I begin to curl one way and then the other. Possibly I am seeking out someone, who knows. Then I realize I am alone and it's ok to stop. All the wiggling isn't going to get me help, It's not going to get me back on my body. I am now independent. Alone. In my shadow. I kind of feel safe there. It's kind of nice.
